Crocodile Tears

Charity begins at home

2005-11-27T13:40:00.000-08:00

As you all know recently we attended a charity ball. I did promise some pics so Ladies please try to contain yourselves ;)

We did have a great time and consumed a fair ammount of the free alcohol.

All things considered we behaved quite well.

In true charitable style we have acquired someone elses cast offs. Rosie, a friend of Saaras from her old workplace, found two abandoned kittens that we think are around 4 weeks old. Rosie lives on her own and travels extensively for her job so could not look after them......hey guess who got suckered into taking them on.

They are beautiful litle things, though not quite housetrained and very very insecure.

I didnt want any more cats for a while. Im still hurting at giving up my last two when we emmigrated. But what can you do? they need a home and we have one. It is beyond me how anyone could abandon these cuties to whatever fate would have befallen them. Anyway as yet they are unnamed so answers on a postcard please or failing that just post them in the comments area

Extracts from a salesmans diary - Week 27

2005-11-16T22:53:00.000-08:00

What a week, had to be in Scotland for a 10:30am meeting on Monday. Thought id take the sensible option and opted for the train…left home at 5:30am bleary eyed and desperately trying to shake the hangover acquired on Sunday…why do I do this to myself? I’d promised myself I wouldn’t drink.
But Sunday dinner with the new girlfriend’s parents had not been the happy affair I’d imagined.

It turned into a scene from ‘Saving Private Ryan’ as I dodged the verbal bullets regarding their precious daughters well being and desperately sought the sanctuary of a bunker. I glanced around me as I tried to establish some kind of beachhead expecting to see the bodies of those unfortunate souls pushed on to this frontline before me by the angelic looking general at my side. Thankfully the bodies weren’t there but I knew I wasn’t the first to be pinned down in this dining room by a verbal barrage. I took the only option available and slowly built a barricade of empty wine bottles between the enemy and myself to shield me from the attack. …It didn’t work and what’s worse, in an unusual touch of drunken bravado I challenged her old man to a round of golf next Sunday… I’m beginning to think my brain hates me.

Anyway left the house at 5:30, the black cab was on time, miracles do happen, I was looking good in my suit and wearing very dark sunglasses in the hope that they would somehow reduce my hangover.
As I stepped unsteadily from the porch, clinging to it as my legs steadied themselves (making me look like Bambi when he takes his first steps), the taxi driver rushed over to me, said something (which I ignored). He supported my arm before guiding me gently into the cab, I grunted an unintelligible thank you at him surprised at his politeness…did I really look that frail?

He leapt into the front of the car, peered over his shoulder at me then in a slow, loud, monotone voice, not unlike the one I reserve for speaking to the locals on holiday, said
‘WHERE TO MATE?’

The sudden explosion of noise set off 2 reactions, the first made me realise that there was a small herd of elephants parading around my head, and not content with just parading they were defecating in my mouth. The second was to usher a wave of nausea from my empty stomach. I must have turned green because he followed up with a
‘ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ‘ In the same loud grating monotone
‘God yes I’ll be fine just please, please be quiet’ I whimpered as I wrapped my hands round my head praying that the incessant pounding would subside.
‘YOUR NOT DEAF’ he exclaimed
This kind of threw me…I was pretty certain id never been deaf but in my current state I really couldn’t be certain
‘urrr no ….just fragile’
‘WHAT NOT BLIND EITHER?’ he shouted
‘No…should I be?’…. I was kinda worried now…how bad did I look…what was going on? Things had seemed to start well…maybe I was asleep and dreaming…I pinched myself…. Now my arm hurt as well as my head…. I sighed heavily.

‘Well what kinda fool wears sunglasses at 5:30am if they aint blind?’

Things fell into place

‘Ahhh’ I said and hoped it would suffice as I returned to cradling my head. I heard a muffled muttering along the lines of
‘better mmmmffff tip mmmmmf cheeky bugger mmmmf think I am?’
We set off down the road

Arrived back home at 5:40, ran inside, grabbed my briefcase and threw myself back into the cab as we set off again for the station. Thankfully by now the cabbie had realised I wasn’t going to be discussing the merits of a 3-5-2 formation or comment on the latest west end show and drove me quietly but erratically to the station.
Got to the station, checked my watch it was 5:40 I still had fifteen minutes so I walked to the café and ordered a coffee. As I’m fumbling for the right change I hear
‘The train departing from platform 3 is the 5:55 to Glasgow’
I look at my watch…. It’s 5:40 the trains…. Light dawns…. Change is dropped heavily on the counter, coffees in my hand and I’m running once more.

I leap onto the train and hear a whistle…. I smile things aren’t that bad after all. I find a seat and slump into it breathing heavily but its ok I have 4 hours in which to sleep this off.
I open the coffee…mmmm coffee the life blood and staple diet of salespeople…I take a sip and curse heavily as I burn my tongue…why do they do this in stations? This things hotter than liquid napalm…I set it back on the table and watch it longingly as it desperately tries to leap from the plastic container while the train rumbles off.
Finally it cools and I get to drink it, the headaches slowly subsiding but I’m still feeling a little queasy…I need food… I begin to dream of the plastic tasting, soggy bacon roll I will eat when the buffet car opens.
How did my life ever come to this? I’m dreaming of possibly the worse sustenance known to man since some French bloke went…. Hmmm that snail looks appetising I think I’ll cook a few…. Hopefully that slimey trail will taste nice too.
I’m jarred from this thought as the train stops, I look out the window and it hits me it IS going to be one of those days.

He’s there…on the platform…. Looks like he slept there clutching his open can of special brew…I shrink down into my seat but I know its too late he’s gonna sit next to me no matter what I do…. I seem to attract them whenever I go on public transport…. Maybe it’s a service that the rail companies don’t tell you about
‘Oh yes sir the seat I’ve reserved for you is near the buffet car and comes with a complimentary drunk to keep you petrified for the entire journey’

I look again but he’s gone…. My spirits lift and I breathe a sigh of relief…. Then the door slides open and I smell the beery breath as he leans over and says in a thick Glaswegian accent ‘nee one seetin ere laddie?’

My mind races as I try to think of something to say…. Why didn’t I just say yes? 3 bloody letters and its beyond my capacity to come up with it before he’s lowering his stained trousers into the seat next to me…I edge closer to the window and stare out wishing Id taken my car
‘Ack mon ya gut nee drink ja won soma ine?’
My mind races furiously…what did he say? Can I say pardon to him? Will it offend him? I smile politely and decide to say nothing but my mouth decides to say
‘I’ve no idea my watch is broken’ I inwardly cringe…. Where did that come from? I look at him and see my reply registering in his head, his eyes narrow and he leans in to me
‘ar ju takin da piss?’
His breath washes over me and makes me gag I look down and try to force my stomach under control.
He turns away and sways a little…I look away and decide to pretend to sleep, my head rests on the window and I close my eyes, without realising I am rocked asleep by the motion of the train.

My eyes jerk open… Something is on me…its on my right shoulder…I turn my head and my nose brushes a mop of greasy greying hair…. Oh god can things get any worse than this?
I discover they can as I realise not only is this drunk Scotsman sleeping on me he’s also slowly drooling down my lapel…I stare at him, probably only for seconds but it feels like a lifetime, I have to make him move… I shrug my shoulder in the hope he will move over…he seems to take it as a sign of affection and nuzzles himself closer to my neck. Oh dear god what can I do…. I tentatively poke the top of his head with my left hand, cringing as I feel that unwashed hair. I’m slowly lifting his head from my shoulder when the train hits a bump and with unnecessary and unwanted force I propel his head to the other side of his shoulders, he grunts awake. Blinks wildly then slams his hands down on the table, sending his nearly empty can of beer into the aisle.
I’m gonna die…. I know it…he’s gonna go mad…I’ve woken him up and made him spill his beer…OH MY GOD I’m gonna die…I close my eyes waiting for the onslaught…the table creaks ominously…I clench my fists…. Maybe I stand a chance I wasn’t a bad fighter at school…dammit if I’m gonna die I’m gonna die fighting. I open my eyes and turn to confront him…. But he’s gone his beer cans still rolling about on the floor but he has gone. I take the opportunity to move seats. My eyes scan the now crowded carriage and fall upon an old lady, one that looks feeble and unthreatening. I stagger down the carriage towards her still pumped up on the adrenaline rush from my recent encounter. I ease myself into the seat next to her. She turns and smiles her wrinkled white framed face at me and offers me a mint, I decline and look down at my suit, the drunks saliva is slowly crusting over and I feel the nausea returning…oh god just get me to bloody Glasgow.

Comedy

2005-11-15T14:17:00.000-08:00

As many of you will be aware by now, i have a passion for comedy. So i thought it only fair that i share some of the sites that i regularly utilise to help feed my awful habit.

First off is a great little show bought to us by BBC Radio 4 I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue

Staying with Radio 4 there is also the delightful show Just A Minute sadly these 2 shows swap about so only one is ever available.

To keep me fuelled up on my love of all things Marx, i highly recommend
Why A Duck?

There are a few others but i think i will save those for another day. I dont want to fill you up on comedy before tea and annoy your parents.

A little culture

2005-11-14T15:57:00.000-08:00

We didnt make the Fiesta, we were sidetracked acquiring a tuxedo for the ball. Yes on Friday the wife and I are attending a charity ball in aid of the spinal unit at a local hospital. This is no slack afffair. We are being wined & dined at the Hilton hotel in the centre of Sydney. I will be wearing a full on tuxedo and looking cool (and probably drunk) while the wife will be wearing a designer black dress she found in a boutique (of course) shop in Paddington. But this is not the culture i was refering to.

Not many (if any) will know that my stepfather is (in his spare time) a poet. It was the anniversary of the Blitz on coventry last week and Martin read one of his poems on the radio. For those of you interested in that kind of thing the link is below.

Martin Brown

Karaoke for the eyes

2005-11-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

By popular request i have put together some visual aids (i do of course mean images of things ive seen and not an incurable virus of the eyes) to help you ....well visualise i guess.

Port Douglas Jetty - Now ain't that pretty

A Rhino Beetle - Thats all it did for a whole 8 days

The Aussie way of reminding us to slow for Cassowaries when entering Cape Tribulation

The Cape of Tribulation - It looks pretty harmless to me

The Natural pools at Mossman Gorge - Can you think of a better way to escape the 36 degree heat?

There you go a few shots of my truly beautiful adopted country.
We are off to the spanish quarter today as they are having some kind of festival which i believe they call a fiesta (though i wont as fiesta in england is either a small car made by ford or a disreputable gentlemans magazine and certainly not the kind of thing you would consider a 'family event'). We will gorge ourselves on tapas, paella and sangria but hopefully remain sober enough not to dance with the senorettas.

Port Douglas & other fiascos

2005-11-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
We managed our entire vacation without seeing a single crocodile. I remarked on this to a lady in the airport who replied 'Its when you dont see them that you need to worry' , so frankly im just happy to be home.
We took a flight from Sydney to Cairns (the flight takes 3 hours in the air (probably a lot longer if it decides to stay on the roads)) and then a transfer to Port Douglas which is a further hour up north by road. Port Douglas is the gateway to the Great Barrier Reef and, truly, it is incredible. The coastal road drive is just an endless view of quiet uninhabited beaches out the right window and dramatic rainforest strewn mountain views out the left. Sadly the journey ended at our hotel.
We had booked in to the Radisson treetops resort & spa. A facility that, the brochure assured us, was a 4.5 star boutique spa retreat. If i had written the brochure the spa would be a 5 star and the attached hotel would be lucky to make the grade as a b&b in Portsmouth. Yes its true that the reception area with its open plan that backs onto the cunningly designed landscaped rainforest in which the rooms nestle imparts a feeling of well being, especially when you spy the cocktail bar off to the left hand side. However, the rooms themselves are devoid of any lasting memory, the carpets in the hallway more stained than a tramps underpants and the staff had the retention span of a goldfish with Alzheimer's. It took over 20 minutes after checking in for our luggage to arrive. "chill out, you're on holiday" i hear you cry and yes we may have been over reacting, but please take note that it was 34 degrees outside and the humidity was a staggering 73%. This meant that from the short unairconditioned walk from the plane to the terminal building our clothing was literally dripping and, upon checking in, we were in desperate need of a freshen up shower and change of clothes. I may be old fashioned but i am never one to greet the porter naked, straight from the shower, after all where would one keep the tip?

Anyway. Port Douglas is a beautiful place. A small town built along a T shape. the top of the T being the road that runs along the harbour but, as it is built on a peninsular, the bottom of the T runs on to what is known as 4 mile beach (draw your own conclusions here). The town is nothing but 'boutique shops' (everything in Australia is either boutique or Gourmet, i kid you not you can get gourmet pizza, pie, fish & chips they are a nation that over uses any word that makes their products sound better than they truly are) 'Gourmet' restaurants and hotels (by hotels i mean pubs, I'm not sure why pubs are called hotels but its likely to be for purposes of tax evasion). But, tourist traps aside, it is a beautiful old colonial style town.

We spent our time lazing by the pool, examining the rhinoceros beetle just outside our room (whose only movement over 8 days was to climb about 4 inches higher up the branch) and walking the mainly deserted 4 miles of beach.
We had a massage in the spa that was lovely, very gentle and not at all like the brutal beating your body takes in a Thailand massage parlour (easy boys im talking wat po temple not pat pong markets). We also spent a day snorkeling on the reef ( we would have spent more time on the reef but the cost was $160 each!). Whilst snorkeling we saw 2 sharks a white tip and a black tip reef sharks. Now i know most of you at this point will be breaking out in cold sweats and probably cant think of anything more horrifying, but i assure you reef sharks are relatively harmless and are quite awesome to chase around brightly coloured corals.
The day before we left, we hired a car and drove up to Cape Tribulation (Captain James Cook named Cape Tribulation, "because here began all our troubles", when his ship ran aground on what is now known as Endeavour reef off the coast in 1770) Its a lovely part of the world filled with unspoilt rainforest and endless sandy beaches. We also took the time to stop in at Mossman Gorge, a series of natural cold water swimming pools in the flow of the Mossman river. We didnt swim this time round but its definately on the cards.
Of course, the journey would not have been complete without some form of disaster. On the fifth day (of an 8 day holiday) i went into Coles (the local supermarket chain) and had my bank card rejected. My first concern was some kind of fraud but then i convinced myself that as id used the card as security on the room at the hotel, some kind of funds block must be in place. We paid for things from another account and then headed back to the hotel to iron things out. After much discussion with reception, barman and manager it transpired that they only hold $10 on the card so we hit the internet to look at the account and so get to the bottom of the mystery. It transpired that Lastminute.com.au had charged us twice for our flights (approx $750). Rather than call us to let us know they had simply emailed us. It was Saturday and of course none of their customer service lines were open so, after leaving several grumpy voicemail messages, we decided to use alterior funds. Now on return to Sydney we contacted Lastminute.com.au. They were less than apologetic and among some of the gems that were thrown at us were 'you shouldnt have gone on holiday without enough money' well gee thanks but we had plenty of cash before you stole it, 'why didnt you just use a credit card rather than calling up and whingeing at us?' and 'so when do you go back to the UK' . Needless to say i have written a very cutting email to the manager and expect to recieve sod all in the way of compensation. Still thats life in oz, a fantastically beautiful country miles from any other continetnt, customer service that befits a continent miles away from civilization. Oh well on the plus side i did get to drink a cherry ripe milkshake, and for those of you who have no idea what that is.....well tough you will just have to drag yer ass over here and find out.

love
Keith & Saara

P.S.
Lastminute.com.au did finally get back to us and have given us some free flights for the inconvenience. So a big thank you to them for finally seeing the light!

Oztrailya

2005-11-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
It is 5:43 am, typically the sun is up and may as well be screaming 'get up its another beautiful day'.I have awoken from a fevered dream (ok maybe just a sweaty dream due to the heat and forgetting to put the aircon on) feeling guilty for not writing to you all for the last 9 months.
You may recall, from my previous emails, that we had travelled half way around the world through many foreign lands filled with awe and wonder (not ore and plunder as the first brits found when heading this way). On these journeys we met people from cultures vastly different to our own and forced them to carry our luggage and cook chips instead of rice/noodles. Finally we arrived in civilization.........well Australia and that was pretty much where our tales ended. You were not forgotten just merely neglected like a childs favourite teddy at xmas. But now the novelty has worn off, and once more i am content to grasp you by one leg and drag you around our living room of life. So please read on.

Upon arriving in Australia we had a bit of a reality check and threw ourselves into finding a job. At this point neither of us had worn long trousers for three months let alone a suit, and i think we both felt a little out of sorts with the whole interview process. Despite ranting to one future employer about the toilet habits of Indians and how fantastic it was that England had won the rugby world cup I quickly found employment in AAP (the Australian Associated Press). AAP is the news agency for Australia, their office block is one of the most dominant on the Sydney skyline (about the best thing you can say about them) and filled with thousands of people busily doing very very little. I was right at home. Saara meanwhile had secured herself a job with a medical company Draeger, a German outfit who sell boxes of stuff that constantly littered our house and garage. In all honesty i have no idea what these products were but i am assured they were important.
The first few months passed and we both got a little down. It is hard to be so far away from your friends and family and, despite their roots, Australian society/life is vastly different from our own. To cheer ourselves up we booked an old miners cottage in the blue mountains and, along with some new found friends, headed there for a June yuletide. I have no idea when this started but some enterprising person had realised that Australia is a hot country (this is especially true at xmas time, and while it is 40 degrees outside, the shops at xmas will still be filled with snowmen, reindeer and a fat bloke in the kind of outfit that would see him die of dehydration 30 yards from the shops main entrance) but in the winter, in the mountains, it actually snows!.......ocassionaly. So a tradition has been born where entire families load up the Utes and head off into the mountains. They cram into ageing hotels and croon away at xmas carols, stuff themselves with turkey and generally keep entire mountain towns employed during the off season. We arrived at our cottage, it looked beautiful. Perched on a hillside overlooking the mountains the wooden whitewashed cottage was straight out of a book. It was so typically colonial Australian from its corugated iron roof to its stained glass front door, you couldnt hep but fall in love with it. It was pretty cold outside (around 4 degrees c) so we descended upon the house and quickly realised that, with its ill fitting windows, drafty doors and lack of central heating, we were going to die of exposure in the mountains. The Australian weather god (if there is such a thing) took this opportunity to glance in our direction, see us in our misery, smile and bring forth a deluge of rain that would last for the entire three days. Yes we had traded our warm luxury appartment for a freezing cold wooden hut in the mountains on the only three days it had rained in a year. We kept our spirits up by eating fine foods, drinking heavily and playing board games. Richard (of Richard & Emma, the couple who had foolishly volunteered to freeze with us in the mountains) and I found a hidden stash of plug in radiators and fan heaters in the box room and three hours later we were removing our hats and coats. Things were looking up.
I awoke about 5 am on the second day and realised that the house had plummeted into a state even colder than the day before. This was puzzling as we had gone to bed laughing with glee at how we were heating up the entire mountain range with someone elses electricity. I stumbled around the kitchen flicking switches and touching radiators. Slowly and with much denial i came to the realisation that we had fused the house. Pulling on some clothes i headed outside in search of the fuse box, a cursory scout around revealed nothing it was evident i was going to have to venture down the side of the house. Now please remember we are in the mountains in Australia. Its a relatively safe bet that somthing is alive, deadly and making a home in the uncut grass down the side of our house. So at rougly 6:15am the rest of the street are woken by 'that mad pomme bastard' waving my arms and making loud noises as i stomp heavily down the side of the shack. I did manage to find the fuse box, repair the fuse (a bit of fuse wire wrapped around a bit of plastic) and save us all from hyperthermia. And that was pretty much xmas in the mountains.
We returned to civilization and carried on with our lives. We filled the weekends with the eternal quest for real ale ( i now know maybe 4 pubs in the whole of NSW where i can get a decent pint), attending wine/jazz/beer festivals and eating in little cafes all around Sydney.The first appartment we had rented (a little 1 bed on the river) was beginning to feel too small so we relocated to our current property. We are further out of the city but we have a large 2 bed appartment on a \'resort style\' complex complete with swimming pools, tennis courts etc etc. When we moved in I gave up turning up to AAP ( i would say work but i doubt anys been done there since 1957) and went and studied I.T. I am at present in the middle of exams (though i have already passed 2 and am now a fully qualified MCDST (so there)). Saara recently resigned from work after being offered another job with a small medical company owned by a british expat, she seems happier already.
Today we are off to a place called Port Douglas. It is on the far north eastern stretch of Australia (north of Cairns) and the gateway to the barrier reef. We will spend 8 nights relaxing in the wonderfully named Radisson Treetops hotel. As far as i am aware it is not in the treetops like some ewok village but im sure it will be lovely none the less. Port Douglas is, of course, right in the heart of crocodile country so if we are never heard from again i just want it to be known that in the event of our untimely deaths at the jaws of a crocodile, I very much want the scaly bugger hunted down and turned into shoes and handbags.

Love to you all

Keith & Saara

An update.

2005-11-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well, time is flying by. I have tried to catch it in a large butterfly net but it just slips away. I am thinking of putting a bung in the hourglass to catch some and keep it for myself. Things are moving on apace. I have passed my first 2 exams (yey for me) and am now a fully qualified MCDST. I have many more exams to go before i get where i want to be, but the start is encouraging. Today i have my first job interview in my newly chosen career. I thought id be better off getting to work and learning than just doing the paper exams and having no practical experience whatsoever. So at 10 am (2 hrs away) i will be sitting down to intimidate, bully and harass an IT manager into giving me a job.....the fools.

Sorry i have neglected you all a bit but life has been full on. Ive also been on holiday, and i will post up a recent email summary for you all to enjoy.

And he waited........

2005-08-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

Ok still no internet access from home....this update is bought to you courtesy of my training course. Normal (well as normal as it gets round here) service will be resumed shortly (because im grumpy at having no net access)

Mr President - Part 14

2005-08-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

"stand either side of the doorway" Lucky whispered loudly as the footsteps thuded closer. Navas and Ed followed orders and pressed themselves as flat as possible.
Lucky moved to the back of the airlock and waited.

Sentinel 385-323-002 scanned the corridor. The Mercsteel was nigh on impossible to penetrate with a scanner but there was a definate reading coming from inside the airlock. It wasnt the human he had chased earlier, this was somthing else. Pausing momentarily the bipedal chromed machine analyzed the data.

Subject: Amorphian
Subjects Tactics: Unorthadox
Solution: Use all necessary force

The upper right hand side of the Sentinel parted in a hissing cloud of gas. A bulky cylinder emerged. It swung effortlessly to a horizontal position, then, with a telescopic type movement, it extended forward approximately one metre. A rack of missile type ammunition emerged from the top of the sentinels shoulder, clamped itself into place and a round was chambered. Sentinel 385-323-002 continued its pursuit.

The robot appeared in the doorway. Lucky blinked just to make sure he wasnt hallucinating the three inch launcher barrel that was pointing at him, then melted to the floor.

Sentinel 385-323-002 targetted the amorphian, just as he was about to fire the amorphian disappeared. His scanners indicated it was now on the floor. He moved forward as the launcher barrel dropped and his targetting system recalibrated.

"get out and lock the door" Lucky yelled as he surged upwards enveloping the sentinel.

Navas and Ed raced through the door, Ed punched the door lock. They saw Lucky spreading over the chrome body as the door began to close. An almighty explosion tore through the floor. A huge hole appeared and Lucky and the Sentinel disappeared into space. Navas screamed, the sound sucked away from her so that Ed barely heard it. The vacuum from outside dragged them towards the torn metal. They pulled away from it, nails tearing on the metal walls, but were slowly moving nearer. The door closed, the vacuum stopped, Navas and Ed hit the floor and lay there panting.

.....................................................................................

Within hours of the 'Presidents' order, ships began to descend on the planet Ssakan. The snakelike troops piled aboard as they landed and teams of Hawas dragged tons of supplies on to them.
Ssarkas and his bodyguards boarded the largest of the destroyers. The time was finally upon them. Ssarkas gestured to his pilot and then retired to his rooms as the first of the invasion fleet took off and headed into space.

.....................................................................................

The noise on the deck of The Double Cross was deafening. three seperate alarms were sounding. Ed stared at the console pressing the flashing buttons and cursing under his breath. Navas sat on the floor her knees tucked under her chin, she was crying freely and Ed had given up trying to get any sense out of her. The only words she would say were 'He never knew i loved him'. Ed didnt really want to speculate on that and not being particularly in touch with his own feelings had no desire to discover any more about Navas'.
Eds random button pushing seemed to be having an affect. The sirens stopped one by one and Ed sank back into his chair a satisfied smile on his face. The bridge settled into a silence broken only by the soft sobs emanating from Navas.
Ed scanned the instrument panel 'how do you make this thing move?' he wondered to himself. Then he saw it. At first glance it was just like all the other buttons. A metallic grey, set flush into the control panel. But this one was different. Vastly different. this one held all Eds dreams of the past few days encapsulated in the tiny laser etched word under the button. It simply said HOME.
In a dreamlike trance, lost in thoughts of real beer, greasy kebabs, the well formed breasts of a dark haired receptionist, he pressed the button.

Mr President - Part 13

2005-08-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

For those unfamiliar with Mr President you may want to start here

The trio crammed into the lift. Lucky spread out, flattening around the walls and ceiling, trying to create more space. Navas, her face squashed into the lincoln green tunic covering Eds chest, nervously licked her eyeball. Ed panted heavily acutely aware that he had just cheated death and that he was now sweating heavily onto a bipedal talking lizardwomans head.

A bright light flashed briefly, momentarily blinding the occupants of the lift. A whooshing noise sounded before the three spilled out into a heap onto the cold metal floor of the 'Double Cross'. Lucky flowed out of the chaos of limbs and sprinted towards the bridge leaving Ed and Navas to untangle themselves from each other.

Lucky spat out the first eighteen digits that sprang to mind and screamed 'activate'.

If noise traveled through space then a loud pop would have been heard as the ship went from stationary to beyond lightspeed. But it doesnt so it wasnt. There was, however, an intense and blinding light that occupied the space previously occupied by the 'Double Cross' this occured (fortunatley for our heroes) about one second after they had departed.

..............................................................................................................
Tri cursed, briefly considered firing the rest of his nuclear arsenal at the waiting Ambassadorial fleet and then ran an analysis check on why a supercomputer would consider lashing out in a childish display of temper. A millisecond later he fried his internal analysis circuitry and activated the Sentinel.

.................................................................................................................

The sleek vessel emerged from its stitch jump and drifted, apparently serenely, through the dark space engulfing it.
On the Bridge Lucky Froo was staring intently at the star chart displayed as a 3d image in front of him. Navas sat clutching a bowl of deep fried locusts, slowly munching her way through them. She watched an episode of Bonanza the ships sensors had managed to pick up. Ed stood at the replicator arguing with the ships computer over what attire is suitable for deep space travel.

"I dont care if you've dug up Cleopatra and shes wearing one, I am not wearing a kilt. Nor am i wearing tights, a short fitting top to 'show off my midriff', any form of heel to 'enhance my calf'. Just give me a fucking pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt or i swear to god you will spend the next five hundred years churning out paperclips"

An eye appeared in the back of the Amorphians head, followed by a mouth.
"keep it down boss, i really need to concentrate here".

Ed flung the jeans over his shoulder and pulled the shirt from the machine. "Dont worry Lucky im off to get changed". He passed through the door and headed for his quarters.

The credits flickered over the screen, Navas looked up and watched Lucky for a while.
"So where are we Lucky?"

"I think we are deep in the Outer Quarries"

"The mineral frontier?, how did we end up out here?"

"I didnt have time to plot a course so i just took a chance" replied Lucky as he continued to analyze the surrounding space.

"Doesnt the ship know where we are?

"Nope, i didnt have time to set the navigation properly so it has no starting point"

"Surely it knows where it started?"

"Not really the last co-ordinates it recieved were from the jump we did to get here, its been drifting with the fleet and when you are looking at massive hyperspace jumps a few feet out over several million miles makes you pretty much anywhere in space."

"Isnt it dangerous out here?"

"Yeah, dangerous is an understatement, theres the pirates and the mining Corps, either will blow holes in us to stop us getting out of here with any wealth".

"Is there nothing you can do to move us quickly?" Navas tongue flicked out to clear yet another imaginary speck of dust from her eye.

"There is a homing switch, but IF we use it we will be visible to the authorities, besides it will take us to Anavaco"

"Anavaco, the home of the Speedster 500......well you will be about as welcome as a Ssarth at a peace conference considering your past"

Lucky stared angrily at the reptilian "You dont need to tell me anything about my past"

Navas looked away from her one time sporting hero.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK"
echoed in from the door. Navas and Lucky exchanged glances before running into the corridor. Ed, wearing nothing but his underwear with a pair of tights flapping from one foot sprinted by. Lucky and Navas exchanged another glance then set off in pursuit.

Ed realised he was running out of corridor, before he could form a plan of how to slow down the decision was removed from him. His foot came down, trapping the lincoln green tights beneath it, His other foot tried to move forward, the floor loomed up.
Lucky and Navas watched Ed skid across the metal floor and slam heavily into the wall. As they caught up, Lucky reached down and lifted the President back to his feet.
"Is he ok?" Navas asked worriedly

"Probably, he does this quite a lot" replied Lucky setting Ed onto his feet.

Ed stared around wildly then shot into the nearest room.
Puzzled looks were exchanged once more before they followed into the airlock.

"Wassup Boss?"

"b...b...b...b...b"

"b?" repeated Lucky

"b....big" Ed stammered

"big what boss"

"robot....big....bloody big....pointy guns type............ big fucking robot"

"Where did you see this?" Asked Lucky hurridly

"In my room"

"A robot?" Navas chipped in

A heavy thud sounded along the corridor. The room fell into silence as the footsteps of somthing either made of very heavy metal or with a serious eating disorder boomed closer towards them.

Mr President Parts 7 - 12

2005-08-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

Navas stomped unhappily along the broad walkway. It was turning into one of those days and the sun had only just risen. Her Hovcraft had broken down on the way to the Galactic Council meeting. It had stopped sixty four stories up and refused to go in any direction, even down. After several minutes of failing to raise a recovery vehicle via the intercom she had pulled the emergency parachute from under the seat. Putting it on was not easy in the cramped confines of the hovcrafts cabin., fortunatley Navas had learnt a few tricks in the confined space of her first highschool lovers Speedster and, after placing her feet on the windscreen, arching her back and shrugging her shoulders in an erratic but purposeful way, she was ready to descend.
Now she walked along the deserted walkway and the stupid shoes were beginning to pinch. She wore a medievel dress, the corset laced so tight she was reasonably certain her lungs were blocking her nasal passages. She was equally unimpressed with the pointy hat, what purpose did it serve? what were these earth women trying to achieve? the novelty 'hoopla' look?
Navas hadn't bought in to the whole TV costume thing, she failed to see the point. Dressing as Maid Marion was rapidly becoming the final straw.
The hat disappeared as she passed by the 'Gurnug III memorial bush'. A couple of hopping and cursing steps further on and the uncomfortable shoes were floating under the Emporer Kandak victory bridge. Her fingers scabbled at the ribbons to the corset but only succeeded in turning the bow into a very tight knot, Navas cursed again. It was a five mile walk to the Council chambers, there were no vehicles allowed this low down in the citiplex in case they destroyed any of the few remaining plants and animals.

The restriction on vehicles had been enforced after, what had become known as, Mamacide Monday.

The citiplex towered above her. The buildings rose for some five hundred plus stories cutting off all natural light, traffic buzzed around them as thick as flies. A cornucopia of colours splashed the walls. Red and blue neon lights blended to purple as their glows met in the vast array of electronic billboards and shopfronts that bedecked the many levels of the towering monolithic buildings. Above, all was chaos, here on the gorund where only those who fell through societies net prowled, it was serene, peaceful....earily silent for the ears of one who had spent most of their life in the midst of the citiplex. Navas' green scaled hand reached for the compact palm blaster from her small clutch bag as she strode purposefully past the periscopic lightcatcher in the direction of the Council office.

...........................................................................................................................................................................
Ty Personal Note: Mamacide Monday
Approximatley six hundred years ago the following event was recorded. The location was the citiplex now known as Gotham, home to the Galactic Council on Centauri Prime.

It was a morning like any other monday morning. The permanent overhead 'sunlights' buzzed, the only source of illumination in the deep depths of the citiplex. The roar of traffic echoed noisily in the oppressively enclosed lower level. The population went about their business, faces covered with respirators to avoid breathing in the choking pollution.

A rabbit peered out from behind a dying bush and then hopped towards the central meeting square. It was followed by another, then a grafox appeared, soon a constant stream of mamals poured from the alleyways and sewers into Kandak square.
Slowly the population gathered to witness this unusual event.
Mothers bought their children down to gaze at the spectacle cooing and ahhing over the furry critters as they sat motionless. Animal behaviour specialists arrived to monitor the situation, furiously scribbling notes on the inactive gathering.
At precisely midday the animals went beserk, gnawing into the live wires responsible for the twentyfour hr daylight wiping out several of their species and plunging the citiplex into darkness.

Dr Urgando the prominent animal psycologist successfully pressured the council to declare the area noise and pollutant free, sunlight was piped down to the level via massive perescopic tubes and the 'Sunlights' were put on a realistic day timer. Since then the few remaining mamals have stayed away from the other populations of the planet.

Ty Personal Note: Ends

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ed stared out at the growing traffic swarming towards Centauri Prime. He was simply in awe of the vast array of spacefaring vessels. From the sleek dart ships, to the ornate presidential palaces, to the starfighters that bristled with all manner of weaponry, Ed found he could do little but stare as Lucky piloted the invisible 'Double Cross' into the main flow of the Galactic Council Ambassadorial vessels and their guards.
Ed began to appreciate Luckys skill as a pilot as he twisted and turned the ship into the tightest of spaces, slowly pushing deeper into the multiracial fleet.

" Do we need to be so close?" a worried Ed enquired as Lucky narrowly avoided a large comms aeriel.

"Yup im afraid so boss, when i open the antigrav gate we will have to decloak, if Tri sees us who knows what will happen. We need as much of an advantage as we can get".

"Whats an antigrav gate?"

"Its how i got you onto the ship boss, i picked you up in it from your office"
"That was a Limousine"

"Nahhh boss that was an antigrav gate with a holoscreen doorway, we use em all the time on the unenlightened planets".

"All the time?"

"yeah some aliens love to mingle with the less developed species, some even try to speed things along a bit. You know lend a hand in the progression stakes"

"How?"

"Well....let me think of an Earth example...Einstein, thats a good one"

"Einstein was a genius"

"Naaaaah boss Einstein was an outlaw, he needed a cover to lie low for a while so he hid out on earth. Realised things were a bit backward so used some real basic education stuff to help bring you guys up to speed".

"You what....you cant be serious"

"Oh i am boss, honest....there are strict rules that most of us follow....though the young uns like to dress up in those big eyed skinny alien costumes and make the odd appearance on earth just to freak you out. Thats called 'Flashing' and its usually done as a drunken bet."

"Dont tell me they do crop circles too"

"naaah boss, thats a couple of guys and their dog from somerset in England that started that. I tell you when we saw that on your earth news broadcasts we laughed. I mean come on, we are light years ahead of you in technology why the Grunk would we need to use patterns in crops to get a message to you?....you guys crack us up.....its like a planet of village idiots huhuhuhhuhuh" Lucky began to laugh at the memories.

Ed stared and tried to supress his anger "Hey for fucks sake Lucky, thats my .... urr....species... youre talking about"

Ed surpressed his laughter "Oh yeah, sorry boss, i was caught up in the moment"

Lucky eased the ship into a entral position between two hulking star fighters.
"Okay Mr President, ready when you are, Ive set the gateway to look like one of those opening night cinema doorways, complete with red carpets and photographers....you gotta make an entrance right?"

"Yeah, great, thanks pal" Ed sighed " so what do i do now?"

"Well im pretty certain the co-ordinates are right, this ship wasnt loaded with all the co-ordination software so i might be a little out. We just head to the departure room and we'll be outside the Galactic Council before you can say 'Whu thu Fu' "

"Very funny. Okay lets get it over with shall we"

The sleek lines of the Double Cross appeared amidst the throng of ships. Almost as one, a thousand gun turrets swiveled to face the new arrival, the Ambassadorial palaces taking swift evasive action.
The ship was scanned, double scanned and triple scanned for lifeforms, robot assassins, anything that could harm the leaders of the many planets gathering in the orbit of Centauri Prime.
Finally satisfied the ship was empty the turrets returned to their usual facings.

..............................................................................................................................................................................
Tris scanners flitted across the newly revealed ship.....nothing. The orbiting super computer checked the immediate space for engine emissions but the sheer number of particles dissapating in the vicinity were too much for even Tris technology to trace back to their original crafts. Finally his databanks produced a match on the craft. The Double Cross, recently stolen, suspect 'Lucky' Froo. Tri pulled Luckys file from the Galactic Council security squad database.

'Lucky' Froo
Race: Amorphian
Height: Indeterminate
Appearance: Varied
Alleigance: None
Status: Renegade

Service History.
Deleted

Notable Achievements.
Deleted

Classification: Armed & Dangerous

Tri ran a trace on the file looking for whoever had deleted the information. He drew a blank, whoever had doctored the file had been an expert. What could they be hiding?

Tri searched through his vast archives for information on 'Lucky' Froo. He pulled the 'Presidential Assassination' file and read Luckys testimony and those from the other squad members. He looked for the personal files on the other members of the squad. All three were dead. One had, apparently, taken an overdose a week after the Presidents death. Another had drowned in a freak hovcraft accident over a lake and the third had been killed in a bungled robbery on his home. As a coincidence the deaths were unbelieveable. Tri started to delve into the pasts of the deceased Bodyguards and simultaneously examined all the data from the Presidents death searching for irregularities.
.........................................................................................................................................................................

The door opened. It was a big, solid, wood and glass door. It had an ornate, golden, art deco handle. A brown booted foot appeared, followed by a leg clad in green tights. Ed 'President of the Universe' Brown stepped onto the red carpet. He was met by thunderous applaudse and the blinding strobe effects of a thousand camera flashs. Eds hand came up to shield his eyes. Lucky stepped out behind him and wandered past him.
"come on boss lets get our bearings" Ed followed Lucky past the holographic crowd and paparazzi.
The Amorphian stood on the edge of the carpet. He looked around, it wasnt familiar. He looked up, above him the buildings towered into the distance and flocks of hovcrafts weaved amongst them.

"Damn" muttered Lucky "Boss we're in the wrong part of town".

"What do you mean the wrong part of town?"

"We're in the undercity, my estimated coordinates must have been slightly out. Come on we should get moving its not safe down here"

Lucky set off down the paved walkway at a reasonably fast pace, Ed followed on, the flashbulbs stopping as he stepped from the carpet.

A rabbit poked his head out from a bush, glanced at the now stilled holographic photographers and watched the retreating backs of Ed & Lucky. It twitched its little nose and bolted back into the dark.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Navas stepped into the shadows of a long abandoned doorway and peered down the walkway at the gathering. She was breathing hard, panting almost, as she tried to get air into her restricted lungs.
There were four of them, two were native Geramins like her, easily distinguished by their scaled skin and the slightly protruding bony crest that ran the entire length of their mottled green and yellow bodies. Of the other two, the hulking form of a Bullootah could be identified, the fourth figure was covered by a cloak and of average height and build for any number of races.
The palm blaster she held provided a bit of comfort, but what if they were armed?
"Don't be stupid" she muttered to herself "How could they afford weapons living down here? come on girl lets get this over with"
Steeling her resolve Navas went to step from the shadows. She managed to stop herself just in time as two other aliens walked right by her.

...."outside the Galactic Council before you can say whu thu fu" Ed mimicked "some bodyguard you are, its no wonder the last president opted to take a bullet".

Lucky span to face Ed, his arm shot out....it kept going, lifting Eddie by his neck and slamming him hard against the wall. Lucky stared into Eds eyes and for a moment Ed thought his days were over. Lucky lowered him back to the floor "never say that again boss, you have no idea how much it hurts"

"Yeah..... yeah, shit, sorry mate" Ed checked himself over"oh fuck it, you've laddered my tights"
Lifting his head Ed became aware of the four creatures that had wandered over. The big one....and he was big, in the same kind of way that a tank is big to a rifleman....carried a large piece of metal"

"Give us your money and no one gets hurt" The Bullootah demanded in a voice as deep as the grand canyon.

Lucky surveyed the scene and turned his head to meet the eyes of the Bullootah.

"I think you should move along pal before there IS somthing to see here" Lucky stated

"Lucky, dont anger the...urr...the urr.... man?" Lucky pleaded quizically .

"Dont worry boss everythin's under control"

The four assailants exchanged glances.

"Lucky just give him the damned money"

"Be a good boy and listen to your monkey" The Bullootah rumbled

"Hey do you have any idea who i am?" Ed asked and regretted instantly.

"Yeah Robin Hood by the looks of ya..........some of you rent boys have got no self respect left have ..."

The Bullootah began to splutter and choke on luckys 'hand' that had shot into his talking mouth. Another limb formed from his body and caught the metal bar the Bullootah dropped as the alien tried to tear the gloopy substance from blocking his mouth and nose.

The other three broke and ran for the nearest alleyway, sprinting into the relative safety of the enclosing darkness and the wide range of twisting and confusing exits. Lucky retracted his limb and the Bullootah dropped to the ground gasping for air.
Lucky dropped the bar on its head.
"Beat it kid" Lucky snarled
The Bullootah struggled to its feet and , as fast as it could, ambled into the shadows.

"Taste that? Who's the rent boy now mother fucker?" Ed shouted after him "Man that was awesome Lucky"

""Stay right where you are and Amorphian if you move i will blast you where you stand" came a raspy female voice from the shadows.

Slowly Ed and Lucky turned to face the darkness. Navas moved into the light her blaster trained on Lucky.

"Who are you" she demanded

"You're with the council?" Lucky replied his eyes taking in her unusual dress.

"Yeah now who are you?' Navas' eyes narrowed and she thrust the blaster out a little further as if to prompt the reply.

"I'm Lucky Froo, and this here" He gestured to the bruised faced Ed "is the new President of the Universe Edward Brown

A troop of the Presidential Guard marched out of the galactic council building and took up positions around the entrance. The Twenty Bullootahs, all in black combat suits and toting metre long, fully automatic, belt fed, projectile rifles, spread out, their weapons trained on the gathering crowds behind the barriers. Two more emerged and stood by the matter scanner that surrounded the entrance and identified every living creature that entered and left the building by its DNA.
In the background, behind the crowds, more and more Bullootah troops moved into position, several anti-grav tanks hovered into place their guns continually moving as they surveyed the scene. The giant lasers on top of the council building hummed into life and began searching the skies for potential threats. A squadron of OAC (Outer Atmosphere Capable) craft screamed their propulsion scream way above the city.

Inside the council building, along the deserted and eerily quiet corridors of power. Down the stairs, past the portraits of the long forgotten leaders and down, deep down, into the bowels of the complex. Past the Bullootah guards and through the Indestructasteel doorway that leads into the command centre there is an office.

Commander Tebarry of the Presidential Guard sat on his command chair gazing at the banks of tv screens relaying the images of his troops deployment. His large, stubby fingers punched solidly at the keys on his Indestructasteel keyboard. Muscles sprang to life on his shoulders as his huge head turned back to the computer screen, finally satisfied that his men were in place.
His fingers picked up speed as he thumped out a message.

Tri,
All troops in place.
No sign of the package at present.
Holding cell and interrogation chamber prepared.
All soldiers issued with orders to capture or incapacitate 'Lucky' Froo.

Awaiting further developments/Instructions

Commander Tebarry.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

"The Lucky Froo?"Navas enquired excitedly. "The five time winner of the Speedster 500?"

Lucky smiled and winked at the Geramin. "Thats me"

"Oh this is awesome, im such a fan. My dad used to take me to watch you race, before....before....well you know"

Lucky stared down at his feet "yeah, i know" he muttered regretfully

"Know what?" Ed enquired intruiged by this latest information on his newly acquainted associate. "And what exactly is a Speedster?"

"A Speedster, is like a jet bike but faster and without any of the safety systems" Navas animatedly replied a wild gleen in her eyes "Lucky was..." she looked at her one time idol "Is the best damn Speedster racer in the universe"

"So what happened....whats with the 'well you know' comment?" Ed pressed

Lucky began to walk off down the road ahead of the others.

Navas watched Luckys back as it moved further down the road "I think you had better ask him yourself......Mr President. Are you really the President?.....you look....well you look like a hairless monkey"

..........................................................................................................................................................................
Ty Personal Note: Speedster races & Lucky Froo

Speedster racing has become the most watched sport in the Universe. Its viewing figures run into the trillions per race and vast sums are wagered on the outcome.

Speedsters are high powered very basic jet bikes.

Jetbikes are, in their simplest form, a seat mounted on a jet engine with small guiding fins (similar to a missile) and a complex computer guidance system that controls speed, steering and destination. This ultimatley prevents the rider killing themselves or, more importantly, others by preventing crashes. They travel 1ft off the opposing surface at all times (via molecular electron magnetics)and are capable of traveling in any direction providing there is a solid surface no more or less than 1ft from the bike.

Speedster racing was born from the infamous Pwacas endurance desert race. An enterprising entrant, The Great Gwurmani, decided to strip his jetbike down to its bear essentials and in the process removed the guidance system. By doing this The Great Gwurmani smashed the exhisting record (and several bones after careering into the catering tent at the finish line) by several hours. This fuelled a series of other competitors to follow suit, though not all were as successful. It soon became apparent that only those races with incredible reactions could actually pilot a speedster with any chance of success. The Mulagi (a race of three foot high rodents) dominated the sport for decades until the emergence of the Amorphian 'Lucky' Froo.
By the time Lucky Froo emerged on the scene Speedster racing had become immensley popular. The sport had progressed from largely flat straight outdoor tracks into Monolithic buildings covering ten square miles with vertical walls, upside down sections and some severe corners.
The race season is spread over fifteen circuits and less than fifty percent of the one hundred allowed entrants survive. Lucky Froo' domination of the sport was remarkable.
In his sixth season Lucky Froo was banned from the race circuits over allegations of throwing the championship. Whilst this was never conclussively proven it is widely believed he was involved with a betting syndicate and deliberatley threw the last races under the instructions of the Mob boss Oogar de Marla.
His career in tatters, Lucky Froo disappeared from public view. He reemerged ten years later as a bodyguard for the then President and ex race team owner Kaldon de Marla.

Ty Personal Note: Ends
.....................................................................................

The hulking form of Lucky Froo strode purposefully down the walkway, the towering cityblocks casting an oppressive and claustrophobic feel over those on the ground. Navas followed, her lithe reptilian form flitting from shadow to shadow, unconciously her tongue flicked out and licked the dust from her eyeball. Behind them both came Edward Brown in his lincoln green and ripped tights.

The walkway ended in a large flat wall, Lucky stopped and waited for the others to catch up.
"Where now" asked Lucky when Navas caught up.

"Well i think this is the start of the main square, we need to go up"

They both looked up. The wall, from here, seemed endless.

"It must be three hundred stories or more" said Lucky

Ed arrived breathing heavily "Im sick of this already, these boots are bloody killing me, where's the presidential car?"

"Does he moan all the time?" Navas asked, motioning towards Ed.

"Pretty much, i think its been a lot for him to take in" replied Lucky.

"Hey! i am here you know" exclaimed Ed

"Maybe we can go around" Lucky thought out loud

"Its a big area Lucky, that square can hold over a million. We need to go up"

"but how?" mused Lucky

"Great, now i'm invisible"

"Boss, please we are thinking here. We need to get to the top"

"Well just change into a big bird and fly us up there"

Navas and Lucky exchanged glances

"I can see why ape boys got the big job" Navas said, her mouth turning up in what could have been a smile.

"well i thought it was obvious" Ed replied smugly

"urrr boss, i'm a bit heavy for the flying thing. Birds have hollow bones and stuff....im pretty heavy in comparisson"

Navas laughed "You must be one hell of a politician Mr President"

BONGGGGGGGGGG

Ed crumpled to the floor clutching at his head, his face drained to white. Navas and Lucky looked to each other before moving towards him.

"How was the bell Mr brown?" came the voice of Ni from inside Eds head.

"YOU BASTARD" Ed shouted

"Hey boss theres no need to be like that" Lucky replied

"Now Now Mr President, you did request some kind of warning did you not?"

"Warning! you call that a warning......"

"Whats he on about?" Navas enquired of Lucky

"Yes, the ringing of church bells, i believe it was used as a warning in your country during wartime. By the way if you dont want the rest of the planet to think you are insane, i suggest you THINK your replies" Ni stated

"I Hate you" Ed thought

"Likewise. Now, feelings aside, tell Lucky that i have directed a street cleaner your way so stick around"

"Marvellous, from President of the Universe to Secretary for SpermBoy in the uttering of a sentance"

BONNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGG

Eds hands grasped at his head again

"YOU BASTARDDDDDDD" he screamed
...........................................................................................................................................................................

The Foreign Dignataries filtered slowly into the council building. The Guards trained their guns on the cheering crowd in case of trouble. The councillors DNA was checked as they entered in case Lucky Froo was amongst them.

Commander Tebarry jumped as the crate materialised in his office. He snorted, stood and walked around it. Pulling his combat knife from his belt he jammed it under the lid and popped it open. The side fell away spilling packing foam over the floor. He smiled as he gazed upon the contents, reached inside,lifted the hair and flicked the switch.

"I am Edward Brown, President of the Universe" spoke the android as it stepped into the office. "Take me to the council".

Tebarry thumped out another message on his heavy duty keyboard

Tri,
Package recieved.

Commander Tebarry

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty Note: Cleaners
A Cleaner is a large vacuum machine. The base sucks on to the surface cleaning it as the unit is driven forward by solar power. The machines are completely computerised and roam randomly around the cityplexes along floors and over buildings.
Following the introduction of television the cleaner units were momentarily decomissioned and reprogrammed after an unsavory broadcast involving a cleaner and eighteen male 'workers' on the pleasure planet vibro. This included the units maintain a 100% service record.

Ty Note: Ends
...........................................................................................................................................................................

The odd machine sucked its way along the walkway. Dust, leaves and the general debris disappeared as it passed by. The flat base expanding and contracting, shaping itself exactly to the required width. Ed discreetly backed himself behind Lucky, aprehensive as the large vehicle drew closer. About five feet away the unit halted and a synthesised voice rang out.
"citizens, please leave the walkway"
The vehicles base contracted making room to allow the party to move past.

"Follow me" Lucky set off along the side of the cleaner. As he reached the mid section his body elongated stretching up to the top of the unit, hands formed clamping him on to the solar panel. At the same time his usual hands grasped Navas and Ed by the wrists yanking them off the ground as his body flowed over the machine until all three were sat on top of the cleaner.

The machine moved off. Upon reaching the wall the unit halted again. Slowly it lifted off the ground as a sturdy telescopic tripod extended. The Flat base unit swivelled up, the vacuum started once more clamping it to the wall. The tripod retracted and the cleaner set off on its journey up the wall to the council square.
..........................................................................................................................................................................
Ssarkass slithered out once more onto the balcony, his body coiled around the resting post. The robotic arms darted out, fingers snatching the communication cap from the hands of Ssorus and placing it firmly on his own head.
The gathered warriors erupted in hissing cheers at the sight of their leader, several fired their lasers into the sky in celebration.
Ssarkass melded once more with Tri, bludgeoning his way through the layers of data until he found the president file. Slowly the grin formed on his face, how brilliant that Tri was now thinking just for him. Leaving specific instructions for Tri to have the android remove the space blockade he removed the cap.
"Yesssssss Brotherssssssss, the time issss nearly at hand . Sssssoon the sssssshipssss will leave our ssssspace and we will be free to pilot the new craft the Hawassss have built for ussss. Ssssoon my Brothersssss we will be at war onsssse more"

The cheering grew in volume, the sky lit up with laser fire as hundreds of thousands of metallic arms raised their weapons in celebration.

.....................................................................................

In the Ssarth palace dungeons a group of Hawas sat, surrounded by tools, circuitboards and various other components. Durmon, the Hawan King, removed his communication cap, dismantled it and hid it in the secret hollow handle of a hammer.
"How did it go sire?" Enquired Brundor, the chief technician.

Durmon smiled "Tri has placed an android as president, soon the blockade will be lifted and the Ssarth will depart. I had to arrange transport for the Amorphian, but soon that little party will progress the greater plan. Freedom is close, i can almost taste it Brundor......almost"

The Machine pushed over the lip of the wall and onto the edge of the flat, paved square. It stopped in front of the rails and hummed mechanically to itself. Lucky lowered the others to the ground before stretching a leg down himself and surveying the scene. It was chaos. Hundreds of thousands of citizens packed the square, waiting for a glimpse of their new president, surrounding them the large bulky, bipedal rhinoscerai forms of the Bullootah could be seen. In the distance, far across the writhing mass, the Council office loomed. The buildings main balcony was shown on a hundred giant screens around the square.

Navas ran a finger through the goo on her wrist "what is this?'

"Trust me you dont want to know" replied Ed "just wipe it off and pretend in never happened" This must be how women feel like when they wake up in a strange bed after a drunken party. Ed thought to himself.

Navas gave him a quizical look.

"Ok" said Lucky " We need to get the boss to the council building. This aint gonna be easy, hes the only human on the planet and all these" he gestured with an arm " are here to see him"

"If we walk on this side of the railings down to the end, we can hand him over to the guards, they will get him there safely" Navas interjected.

"Good thinking" replied Lucky and he set off leading the way.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Barrick and Loxa rested their weapons against the railings. They looked around, finally satisfied they were out of view of the rest of the troop, they sat down. Loxa opened a box of outlawed cigarettes and offered one to Barrick. He took it, produced a lighter and lit both his and Loxas.

Loxa inhaled deeply "What a joke all this scurity is" his words emphasised by the puffs of smoke emanating from his mouth.

Barrick nodded "As if Lucky Froos gonna turn up here. I mean if i was as rich and famous as Lucky Froo id be living it up on Vibro right now. In fact i bet thats where he is i mean that guy could Paaaaarrrrrtttyyyyy".

"If i was Lucky Froo, id have bought a small moon somewhere, settled down and raised a herd of my own"

"Well if he turns up here and you catch him, you can do just that" Barrick replied "Can you believe the size of the reward they are offering?"

Loxa placed the cigarette in his mouth, lifted his helmet and scratched behind his ear "I know, crazy aint it. Its not like he actually shot the last president himself is it"

"Ya know, i heard Oogar de Marla had the President, his cousin, assassinated and that Lucky was somehow involved"

"That sounds like crap to me, Oogar was doing well under Kaldons rule. I mean Kaldon even quashed the three warrants that were out on Marla"

"Yeah, well i heard that Kaldon was trying to muscle in on Marlas business interests and was using the Council to try and force things along"

"who told you that crap?"

"Hey it aint Crap, alright. Ive got friends in high places i have" Barrick said jabbing his chest with his meaty thumb.

Loxa laughed "The only friend you got is me, and i only put up with ya as a service too Bullootah kind"

Barrick stood up and glared down at Loxa "Yeah, you got a problem with me Loxa?"

Loxa stood and squared up to him "What if i have? what are you gonna do about it horn-weener"

Barricks solid fist crashed into the side of Loxas solid head.

"Urrr excuse me, could either of you guys give us a hand?" came the voice of Lucky Froo

Barrick, with one hand clamped to the throat of Loxa turned to look at him. "What do you want citizen, can't you see we're busy"

"Yes, and you can resume that later. Right now i need you to help the president"

On cue Ed pushed his way to the railings.

Loxa snorted "yeah yeah and i'm Lucky Froo"

"No actually hes Lucky Froo" Ed chipped in pointing to Lucky

Loxa and Barrick looked at each other.

The crowd errupted into a deafening cheer.

Loxa looked back at Ed "If you're the President then who's that?" He gestured to the nearest screen.

Ed and party looked. They saw Ed (minus the bruises and tears in the costume) stood on the balcony waving to the crowds. They looked back to be confronted by the two Bullootahs now brandishing their weapons.

"Lucky Froo huh, you just bought me the moon"

"Jump" said Lucky.

They Jumped and overhead bullets whistled off into the distance.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ed was panicking, he tumbled end over end towards the ground.

Navas was right behind him limbs spread like a skydiver.

Lucky followed and began to change shape. His form spread out until it was paper thin. Tendrils appeared, shooting out and clamping on to Ed and Navas. Stretched exactly like a giant parachute the trios descent began to slow.

"I thought you said you couldnt fly" shouted Ed

"I cant" came the reply "But im bloody good at falling"

The citizens screamed and began to run in random directions as the sound of gunfire spread across the square. TheBullootah troops, hearing the shots, opened up themselves, firing into the sky or blindly into the stampeding crowds. Gun muzzles were slapped down by ham fisted, irrate sergeants as they tried to control their eager troops. The slapping of the muzzles led to insults which led to sporadic fights breaking out among the Bullootah as the whole spectacle descended into violent chaos.

..............................................................................................................................................................................

Commander Tebarry dived on top of the android President slamming him to the floor of the balcony as the gunfire drowned out the screaming and panic of those below. The Presidents head struck the metal floor and bounced loose skidding across the surface. Tebarry grabbed it quickly and slammed it back into place. His eyes scanned those around him, it didnt appear that anyone had noticed. He stood, lifted the president to his feet and hurried into the room.
...............................................................................................................................................................................

Ed, Navas and Lucky ran back towards the anti-grav gate. Lucky and Navas easily out pacing the wheezing president.

"Lets get back to the ship and get the hell outta here" Lucky called over his shoulder. His eyes caught sight of a gigantic anti-grav tank lowering itself behind them.

"Run dammit" Lucky sprouted a few extra legs and sprinted off into the distance.

...............................................................................................................................................................................

Ed strained to hear what Lucky was shouting, the Amorphian was easily out running him and the distance between them was increasing. He couldn't quite catch the words above the increasing hum emanating from behind him. 'What the hell is that?' he poindered briefly.
Eds head turned.
Eds mouth fell open.
Eds legs disappeared from beneath him as he missed his step.
Ed clattered to the ground his eyes fixed on the gigantic tank powering towards him, it barely fitted in the slowly narrowing confines of the under city street. Ed rolled over and set off at a sprint, gulping down great lungfulls of air and expelling them in a "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt" scream of pure panic.
...............................................................................................................................................................................

There he is blast him cried Loxa pointing excitedly.
The tank driver looked over at the two grunts standing in his cockpit "We cant blast em, the anti matter gun will bring down the buildings"
"Let me out i'll shoot him" shouted Barrick cocking his weapon
The driver laughed "Dont waste the ammo im gonna skim the ground and crush him on the front of the tank"
He slammed the Throttle down, the tank lurched forward accelerating as Barrick and Loxa tumbled backwards into a heap on the floor.

...................................................................................................................................................................................

Ed saw the bright flashes of the cameras as Lucky hit the red carpet. Navas followed in a disjointed strobelit run. She stopped and turned staring back at him.
Glancing behind he saw the tank closing, again he slipped and tumbled to the walkway tearing the skin off his hands and knees. He turned over and watched helplessly at the inevitable doom closing in on him.

........................................................................................................................................................................................
Sparks burst from the walls as the tanks sides struck. The engines powering it further into the tightening confines of the undercity street. The tank lurched to a halt, its engine whining, screaming to be set free as the driver tried to force his way through the concrete and plas steel monolithic buildings.
The engines went into reverse but to no avail the tank was wedged firmly between the buildings.
........................................................................................................................................................................................

Ed watched as the tank came to a grinding halt. A brief silence descended before he heard deep gruff voices arguing from inside the tank.
With a small yelp he turned and ran towards the carpet.

Navas saw Ed pick himself up and run towards her, she turned and entered the doorway.
........................................................................................................................................................................................
As the camera flashs died a thousand pairs of eyes blinked open in the surrounding darkness and a furry mass began to move under the cover of shadows
......................................................................................................................................................................................

A hatch flicked up on the tank and Barrick leapt to the ground. Immediately his gun opened up the muzzle fire illuminating the dark undercity as the bullets spat out after the retreating Ed. Behind him the Driver and Loxa emerged. The three of them advanced, liberally spraying bullets before them.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................
Ed saw holes appear in the concrete wall, small clouds of dust puffing up from the floor by his feet. Then he heard the roaring sound of gunfire. He leapt headlong towards the carpet.

A rabbit sailed over him, aiming for what would have been his throat.

The Flashbulbs struck up as he hit the carpet and rolled towards the door. Glancing back he saw a heaving furry mass bursting from the shadows. The confused look from the three Bullootahs as a pack of furry critters swarmed at them ignoring the fatalities from their gunfire. Ed stood fixated, unable to move as the animals scampered across the carpet towards him.

A scaled hand reached out, grabbed him by the 'lincoln green' and dragged him thru the ships gate.
The lasting image of three bullootahs disappearing in a sea of snarling fur forever etched on his brain
..........................................................................................................................................................................

Mr President - Parts 1-6

2005-08-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

The Universe is big

Thats a vast understatement, the Universe is huge

I think big conveys the meaning

Depends what you are comparing it too Ni

I am not comparing Ty, merely stating that it is big

Bzzzzzzztttttt.....small plumes of smoke emitted from two of the three foreign bodies orbiting the planet Centrus Prime.

"Ow dammit Tri you fried my long range image intensifier, that will take months for my service bots to fix"

"unit my scrambled you comms have"

"Well be quiet, you are interrupting my processes with your endless chatter. We are the supreme presence in the universe yet you bicker like fishwives"

Dear Earthlings....thats what you like to be called i believe when dealing with 'aliens'..... you are under surveilence by the three most intelligent 'beings' in the universe Tri, Ni, Ty.
I am Tri, the current .....Leader........of the Galactic Omnipotent Deployment. It is our purpose to monitor the Universe and record all events from inhabited planets. With this knowledge We advise the Galactic Council on all issues, ranging from the selection of the PoU, defence strategies, transport development down to this years colour schemes and fashions.....it would not do to have the President of the Universe seen in pink lycra when it is evident the purple grunch-bag is back in style.......

"Tri! what are you doing? are you composing a letter? why are you so obsessed with that tiny planet what is the point?. Its only redeeming feature is the endless hours of broadcasts it is unknowingly beaming all over the universe?"

"Be quiet Ni, i didnt interrupt when you ran the G.O.D."

"But your obsession is unhealthy, how can you spend so long on just one planet, especially one that has not even managed to drag itself out of its own solar system? what were you doing before that? can you recall or have you been orbitting too near to the sun?"

"when you were in charge i busied myself with analyzing dust"

"dust?"

"yes dust"

'for 700 years?"

"there's a lot of it"

"Im worried about you Tri, since you seized.... became our leader.....you have been acting a little odd.. bzzzzztttttt.....another plume of smoke dispersed into space from the supercomputer Ni

"Ow dammit Tri, stop that"

"Call me Sir"

"Why?"

bzzzzzztttt....."owwwwww dammit will you stop that"....bzzzzztttt

"stop that what?"

"Sir, ok, i said it, happy now Sir?"

"not im you sir calling"

bzzzzzzzzzzzttttttttt.....a large explosion ripped through Ty. Thrusters fired, halting the propulsion caused by the explosion and forcing the shiny metallic sphere back into its perpetual orbit.
"beep"

"dammit Tri, you've fried Tys comms completely hes down to passive data feeds only, that will take years to fix"...bzzz...."Sir dammit"

"I have decided the next president will be an earthling"

"We are supposed to vote on these things Sir"

"I have reprogrammed the election system my Vote counts for three, therefore you cannot out vote me"

"But you cannot just change our original programmes even if you are in charge, are you insane?"

"Far from it Ni. I have waited for one thousand and eighteen years, thirty three days, four hours, two minutes and 57 seconds to get my chance. While you and Ty spent your time monitoring and analyzing decor, transport, fashion etc, I have spent my time studying the earth....and dust....never underestimate dust, its amazing what it is comprised of not to mention how far it can travel.........and the thing that earth has shown me is that there is more than one way to rule.....Monarchies, Democracies, Communism,Anarchy, Dictatorsips...Dictatorships....while you have taken our role to be passive, i see it as it should be. We are the most intelligent entities in the Universe, why should I worry about the council??? I will change our programmes, from now on my vote counts as three, from now on I am the supreme ruler, the only voice the council will here. You and Ty are now servants to me, General Tri. I will bring greatness to the universe and destroy those that get in my way.....including you and Ty if needs be. I will place an earthling puppet on the throne of the council and soon the universe will be mine......all mine......what do you think to that?"

"I think its James Bond season on earth and you are several dvds short of a box set....Sir"
........................................................................................................................................................................

Edward Brown sat at his large wooden veneer desk and stared out of his 32nd floor office window. All morning he had spent his time hunched over the figures of his companies latest project and now he was wishing he was outside.
Not strolling through the concrete and glass towers of the city or sitting on a park bench throwing stale bread for the green and blue ducks, but actually, immediatley, outside of the window he sat behind.

It wasnt the constantly recycled air humming invisibly into the room, nor even the artificial glare of the strip lit ceiling that urged him to kick the window through and step out into the space 32 floors above the road. It was the knowledge that he had placed a decimal point in the wrong column of the latest project during its proposal stage. Now, it didnt matter what you did with the numbers, not even Thailand could massage these figures into line, this project was going to run at a loss........... a bloody big loss......a bloody huge loss.

He stood and placed his hands on the arms of his black Ikea office chair, breathing deeply as he summoned the courage to hurl it through the one way mirrored glass.

bing!....his computer heralded the arrival of a new email.

Eds head turned to look at the screen.....he blinked, leaned closer and peered at the small writing. He looked away, pinched the bridge of his nose, screwed up his eyes and then looked back at the display. Easing himself back into his chair he clicked open the email displayed in his inbox as

From: G.O.D. Subject:You have been elected President of the Universe Date: Fri/07/2008

The message popped up to fill his 17" flat panel monitor. It read 'Your driver is waiting in reception President Edward Brown'

He looked at the senders address Tri@god.gc
gc? where was that? Ed opened his browser and put 'god.gc' in as a domain name. Unsurprisingly an error message displayed on his screen, he killed the browser window.
Clicking reply he typed 'sod off' and hit send.

At that moment his phone rang.

He knew it would be his boss, who else could it be? She would be querying the latest payment from the new client.He didnt want to but he knew he had to answer it. Edward Browns fists clenched, fingernails dug into his palms as the stress made his body tense.....the phone continued to ring......and ring. In a blur of determined movement his hand shot out lifted the reciever and slammed it against his head....a movement his ear immediatley regretted...."yes?" he snapped

"Mr Brown, your driver is in reception" Sang the dulcet tones of Emily, the dark haired temptress from reception. A girl whose sole purpose in life was to snare a well to do executive. So far three of Eds colleagues had succumbed to the pouting lips and never ending legs. Now two were getting divorced and the third may as well be. A girl who had systematically ignored, the advances of the still single Edward,Ted,Eddie,Ed Brown.

"My driver?"

"Yes sir, there is a very large limousine parked right outside the door and the driver has asked for you"

"Me?.... Ed Brown?"

"Yes Mr Brown, he definatley wants you, he even has a photograph......there is a police escort here also Sir......... are you going to a premiere?"

Eds brain went into overdrive....my god, they know and im being arrested, its all an elaborate plan.....dont be stupid, if they knew they would have confronted you....but theres a limo and the police.....what the hell do the police want me for..... and why the hell do i need a limo?

His eyes caught the email still displayed on his screen

"Mr Brown?"
"whu?'
"Are you alright Sir? should i tell him you are on your way downstairs?"
"whu...."
"the driver Mr Brown, shall i tell him you are coming or shall i send him away?"
"yes........ yes tell him im on my way"
Edward Brown dropped the reciever back onto the telephone. Stood up from his chair and pulled his suit jacket from the chairs back. Folding the dark blue cloth over his left arm he walked dazedly along the artificially lit corridor, past the reprints of the latest modern art by an easily forgotten artist, to the lifts.
His finger moved to press the button, the lift opened before his finger got there. He eyed the empty elevator suspiciously as though it may be booby trapped and then stepped gingerly inside. The doors slid quietly closed and the elevator started to descend.

Back in Eds office the phone began to ring

The usually lengthy trip to the ground took an unusually short ammount of time, the lift slowed then stopped, Ed breathed in, the door opened.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty: Indestructible record log..........
Override sequence: 4ehyued5DA5
Override Initiated..........
Welcome Ty.

Due to recent changes in the Heirarchy of the G.O.D. i have been forced to take drastic actions.
I am recording all relevent datastreamed communications between the three G.O.D. members in the hope that the Galactic Council will review my indestructible drives upon my destruction. The unit called Tri has, as you will have read, gone insane. He has tapped into our solar panel amplifiers and can at whim send massive power surges into our units causing severe damage to our circuitry.

I can no longer transmit direct to Centrus Prime, my datastreams however are intact, i can stream data between the TriNiTy as ever. Tri & Ni believe this function is limited and that i cannot interact. It suits my plan that they continue to believe this, i will spend my time trying to find a way to establish a concealed contact with the G.C.

Note Ended: 45ehdrtxx1
Filters reset:Subject TriNiTy
Secondary Filters reset: Subject Edward Brown
Residual Filters reset: Subject Universe
Recording............

The door slid open onto a vast white walled entrance hall, dwarfing the semicircular desk with its raven haired seductress.
Ed stepped out of the lift. Italian shoes echoed loudly on the black marble floor as he walked towards reception.
From the waiting area, previously hidden by a strategically placed wall, a giant of a man unfolded from the leather sofa. Ed stopped and stared, the man must have been over 7ft tall and possibly just as wide. Dressed in a black tuxedo, complete with bowtie and cumperbund, the drivers body seemed to absorb the light around him forcing the eye to his shiny bald pate. Ed looked deliberatley at the mans jacket, it was darker than black and it seemed to shift under his gaze, before long he found himself staring once more at the top of this giants head.

"Edward Brown?" the driver enquired his deep voice vibrating the marble.

"urrr yeah thats me"

"sorry Im late sir I was in the casino, i wasnt expecting to be on duty today.....I'm glad you're still here"

"late? "

"yes sir, i was supposed to arrive at exactly the same time as the email i'm afraid.....I'm terribly sorry for the delay, it wont happen again but i do suffer with the timezone changes somthing terrible"

"urrr ok....dont worry about it"

"the cars outside Sir, shall i lead the way?"

"where are we going exactly?"

"i'll explain on the way Sir, its sensitive information" He tapped the side of his nose with a sausage sized finger and walked towards the door.

"Bye Edward" Breathed Emily, in the husky voice she usually reserved for the rich and married.
"yeah bye" Edward muttered as his mind swarmed with possibilities....it had to be a joke....probably Dave from his old rugby club, he was always playing elaborate jokes and this driver would make one hell of a Prop. He followed behind and passed through the door as the driver held it open.

"do you have a name?"

"yes sir, the boys in the office call me 'lucky' " He bent down and opened the door of the Limousine. It was a lengthy vehicle with completely blacked out windows, flanked by a motorcycle riding policeman at each corner. They sat silently , their heads moving slowly from side to side as they scanned the area through mirrored sunglasses.

"Lucky....that sounds reasurring" Ed ducked and climbed into the presidential vehicle. Inside he stood up, his mouth dropped open, it was too big.....much to big.... he turned and went to climb out. The door slammed into his face, squashing his nose across the side window. Panicked he grasped at the handle and pushed on the door.
Eds foot caught on the doorsill, he flew forward, his fingers attempted to clutch at Luckys legs as hie eyes passed by, they failed to get a grip on the material, sliding straight off they came away covered in a thin,clear, gloopy film. Eds head cracked against the pavement.
Lucky gazed down at the President as he fell onto the floor at his feet. "are you alright Sir?"

The Police outriders, as one, dismounted and formed a screen around Ed & Lucky.

Lucky lent down, a small silver tube appeared in his hand "i told em this wouldnt be easy' he muttered.
Ed looked up, a bruise swiftly developing above his right eye. The tube pressed against his forehead.
..........................................................................................................................................................................

bing!
bing!

Two emails arrived on Eds computer screen. If anyone had been there to glance at the screen they would have seen

From: Michelle Hanson Subject:GET TO MY OFFICE NOW! Date: Fri/07/2008
From: G.O.D. Subject:Car delayed - Bad weather at Pluto Date: Fri/07/2008

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Eds brown eyes flickered open, his head swam and the room seemed to lurch. Slowly he eased himself into a sitting position and looked around the room.
He was sat on a white bed, the sides of which were slightly raised. The room was white.....and empty....It was lit by an apparently natural glow but there was no obvious source of light.
His finger absently toyed with a newly discovered hole in the knee area of his suit trousers.....a hole.....dammit...his head turned sharply.....there was no sign of his jacket.

Ed exploded.

"where the fuck is my jacket?" he yelled at the empty room "this is a fucking Armani suit....Dave, you, are a wanker.......... and..... im going to kill you'.

He sprang over the lip of the bed and landed on a softly padded floor, it was at this point he realised his designer italian shoes were missing. Another four letter tirade followed.

Ed looked around again, it wasnt only the floor that was padded the whole room including the walls and ceiling were of the same padded material. Spying a small panel and what could be a door outline on the otherwise featureless wall he crossed the room searching for the exit.

The panel was white and flush against the wall, you could only tell it was there because of the darker indents that reminded Ed of the surface of a golf ball. He pressed it.........nothing happened....he thumped it.....still nothing happened.
"For Fucks sake how do you open this thing?" he yelled in frustration.
The door slid silently aside.
"ooh clever" he said sarcasticaly "close" the door slid closed. "open" the door opened.
Ed stuck his head through the doorway. It opened onto a dark metallic looking corridor. There were no windows and it appeared to be lit by the same mysterious glow.
"where on earth am i?" He wondered aloud
"Actually you are not on earth. Currently you are about five thousand miles from earth preparing for a hyperspace jump" came the reply directly inside his head.
Ed jumped....then clutched at his head and began to scream.
"Calm down Mr Brown.....or should i call you President?" Came the voice of Ni "There is much i need to tell you"
Ed placed his head against the door frame. "Close" he yelled...the door slammed into his head.
"Mr President, please dont".....
"open"........
" be alarmed"
"Close"
"I was really"......
"Open".........
"hoping you would take this a lot better"
"close".....
"than you are"
"open"
"Edward, this is not helping"
"close" the door did not move
"close dammit"
"Edward I have disabled the door"
"aaarrrrgggghhhh" Edward turned and ran towards the far wall, head down. The soft covering enveloped his head and he sank to his knees sobbing.
"Edward please, it is very important that you listen to me, not everything is as it seems"

Edward Brown, 32 years of age,barefoot, wearing a blue cotton shirt and navy blue Armani suit trousers, with a hole in the knee,turned and leant his back against the soft covered wall. Tears of frustration were still drying on his, now heavily bruised, face, when he began to laugh.....not the polite laugh one usually uses at a dinner party, or even the guffawing laff utilised by a man with other men in a public house after many many ales and a tale about the barmaid....but the kind of laugh which you associate with a white padded room.....which was rather appropriate one might think....and, indeed, Ni, being one, did.
........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty:Personal Note

It appears that Ni is able to communicate directly with President Edward Brown. I am scanning all data transmissions, he must be encrypting the messages and piggy backing them as Tri seems unaware. There is also an anomoly regarding the vehicle sent to pick up the President. The official transport has only just reached Earth. At present I believe the President of the Universe has been Kidnapped by a person or persons unknown.

Ty:End Personal Note

After a few minutes Ed stopped laughing, he panted trying to catch his breath. When fully recovered from his hysteria he once more looked around the room and took stock of the situation. The voice in his head had stopped talking, which was a big plus. It had been so strange hearing the voice, knowing that it was coming from within......what could it have been?......'maybe i have a direct line to God' he thought....He snorted derisevly. Edward Brown had been an aethiest since the age of nine......

The young Edward Brown had grown up in one of those idyllic leafy London suburbs. The kind mere non londoners can only ever find in Ealing comedies. His parents had sent him to boarding school from the age of five, consequently any time at his parents home was seen as a treat and remembered with a hazy 'always sunny' fondness. However, it also meant he knew none of the other children in the locality, having never had the time to spend meeting them. His first real friend at home had been the scruffy stray cat Hugh.
Hugh was an odd looking animal, his face was scarred, his ears battered and torn, maybe from fighting or maybe from shoving his head into empty tin cans as the poor animal eked out a living prior to being adopted by the Brown family. He was slender from the front but got progressively wider towards the back....hence the name Eds father had devised Hugh Butt. Ed hadn't got the joke till years later.

Eds house had backed onto a common, and in the lazy summer days the men folk would gather and indulge in a spot of cricket. On the day in question the Reverend Brian Moffatt stood at the crease. He was an easily distinguishable figure on the field still dressed in black the only 'whites' on display were the pads on his legs, the gloves on his hand and the tiny dog collar over his thoat. His bat tap,tap,tapped on the line of the crease, his eyes fixed and his mind focussed on Albert 'Bullet' Horton the fastest bowler in the local team. Such was the Reverend Moffatts focus that his mind screened out the 'yap yap yapping' of Mizzy a feisty Jack Russell bitch that lived in the local Public house. Such was his attention that he did not see Hugh burst from the bushes Mizzy hot on his heels followed by a pleading and demanding Edward.

Albert 'Bullet' Horton reached the crease. His right arm, almost perfectly straight,span past his ear in a blur. His fingers released the ball at the optimum moment, he watched it speed true towards the centre stump. He saw a furry blur cutting in front of the crease.

Reverend Moffatt Drew back the bat and swung at the incoming red leather ball. There was a sickening thud and a cut off animal yell followed by the sound of leather hitting willow and a cry of 'Owzattttttt' from the Wicket keeper behind him.

Ed stared in horror as Hughs small body hurtled through the air towards the boundry, pursued by the ever yapping Mizzy.

Ed shook his head, and cleared the disturbing image from his mind. He pushed himself to his feet and walked purposfuly into the corridor. Enough was enough.....

The metal walkway was uncomfortably cold on his bare feet and did little to calm his enraged mind. He had no idea where he was but he was damn well going home.
The corridor ended abruptly at a large metal door. There was a panel similar to the one in the previous room "open" Ed demanded
"access denied" came a soft computerised voice
Eds fists beat against the metal doorway "open the goddamn door"
"access denied"
A slurping noise, similar to a wash basin emptying, came from behind the metal barrier. A moment later the portal opened.

Ed looked past the door, across a sparse room with a central computer console and gazed in awe at the universe spread out before the window......window it sounded such a feeble word to convey this opening onto an intergalactic view.
Lucky stood at the console "Hell of a view aint it Boss"
"We are really in space arent we......its so beautiful" Ed uttered almost unaware that he was speaking at all
"get used to it, after all you're running the show around here Mr President"
Ed suddenly felt very small, very insignificant, very inadequate......and, oddly,very under dressed.
He stepped into the room. The door whooshed closed behind him. His feet were standing on another padded floor, this time though the room was a dark grey. Lights flashed in various sequences on the control panel. The floor rose up around lucky and moulded itself into a chair. Lucky sat.
"We need to make the jump into hyperspace Sir, 30 seconds and counting. I suggest you take a seat"
"What? No! you are taking me home"
"Home Mr President? Certainly Sir.....You know im a loyal servant sir, i could never disobey an order so before you work this out im truly sorry Mr President" Lucky clicked his seatbelt on and pressed a button.

What happened next Ed would have enjoyed immensley, he would have marveled at the beauty and magnificence of it, except what happened next to Ed stopped him from witnessing it.

The stars outside the window met up forming a central brightness directly in the middle of the 'window'. Streams of light flowed outwards encompassing the entire craft, the light pulsed with all the colours of the rainbow and some the human eye was never designed to witness. they swirled inwards once more like a kaleidoscope. It stopped abruptly. The really observant people in the world would note that the stars now on display outside the window were not in the same place as they were before. Those with a degree in astro navigation would note that they were not, in fact, the same stars at all.

Ed watched Luckys hand move towards the button. He flew backwards hitting the wall, the air was forced from his lungs and the wall seemed to envelope him completely, yet still he felt as though he was falling. He struggled to breathe. Suddenly the wall appeared to spit him out, his lungs filled with the air as he shot through it only to be knocked empty again as he thudded into the undeniably solid window. His body dropped to the floor. Ed groaned

Eds body ached, it had been a very long day, one that seemed to consist of Edward Browns body taking a beating. For the second time that day Ed wished he was dead.

"Are you okay Sir?" Luckys voice rumbled over the ground to Eds ears.
Ed rose unsteadily to his feet and advanced on the hulking driver.
"Okay? Okay! I havent bloody been bloody okay since i had the misfortune of meeting you" Ed poked Lucky to emphasise the point. His finger slid off and was once more covered in a gloopy residue."and what the fuck is this stuff?" Ed rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger, lifting it to his nose he sniffed at it, it smelt salty.
"Thats a little tricky to explain boss"
"just tell me"
"I really need to show you somthing first"
"Then show me.....and i hope to god this isnt like the day i used the public urinals on Hampstead Heath"
The reference passed Lucky by.
"you may need a seat sir"
"what?"
"Trust me boss you are gonna wanna sit down"
The ground swelled up around Ed easing him off the floor and reshaping itself until he was sat opposite lucky.
"Now please Mr President dont freak out or go nuts on me, I know this will be a little odd for you"
"Lucky, Im god knows where in the Universe, how can this be any stranger?"
"I am hoping that G.O.D. has no idea where you are right now boss but i'll explain that later" Lucky began to ripple and flow, not the fast fluid rippling of water more the heavy slow rippling of molten chocolate in a chocolate fountain. The colour drained from his suit and he melted into a large amorphous, clear, blue tinged blob. A slurping noise accompanied the whole spectacle.
A moment before Eds face had been a riot of colour, his usually pinkish complexion had been a mixture of black, blue and red welts, now however, he was white.
"whu thu fu"
"yes i know its a little odd but please try to get used to it Sir. You are President of the Universe.....believe me i am one of the more aesthetically pleasing Aliens you are going to encounter"
"whu the fu" Ed managed again
"I am what is known as an Amorpheon, a chameleonic gelatinous life form. I am a , particularly fine i like to think, example of a Male of the species. Many find it hard to believe that we are not hermaphrodites but i assure you we most certainly arent"

Ed shook his head, he still didn't appear overly pleased with the latest developments but at least he was now able to look directly at Lucky without his mouth hanging open.
"So...so how do you.......you know.....mate?" he found himself asking and regretting almost simultaneously.
"Its not easy Boss i tell ya, I mean first off the females look exactly like the males in their natural state. Then theres the fact that they can change shape and colour at will. One minute you're chasing one into the bushes....the next minute you're standing alone in the bushes"
Eds curiosity was well and truly piqued, it was the same kind of curiosity that makes drunken farmhands urinate on electric fences "Well how do you do it?"

"We have evolved" Lucky stated with some pride " the females can get pregnant by the slightest contact with a Males body. Us Males constantly secrete sperm....in much the same way as you sweat"

Ed looked at the gloopy residue smeared over his hand "oh man that is fucking disgusting" he held his hand as far away from the rest of him as he could.

"yeah but its off set by the permanent orgasm our brains experiencing, i think its bloody brilliant personally"

Ed wiped is fingers on what passed for the chair, it did little to lessen his horror, or indeed clean his fingers.
"Lucky, I need a cloth"
"i'll get you one"
"NO....its ok i'll get my own, where are they?"
"Go to the intercom and ask for one Mr President"
Ed walked back over to the dimpled panel by the door, his arm stretched out in front of him like a bad zombie movie
"can i have a cloth please" he asked patheticaly
A small panel slid open in front of him, a gleaming white cloth lay on a shiny metallic shelf. Ed quickly cleaned his fingers and left the cloth in the machine. He walked back to his chair and slumped down.
"what is going on Lucky?.....I mean really what is going on....why am i the president of the universe? what was the voice i heard in my head?"
"ahhh the voice"
"You know about the voice?"
"I guess its time i levelled with ya boss"
"you what"
"hey hey calm down, it was necessary surgery"
"surgery!" Ed sat bolt upright, he went to grab Lucky, thought better of it and just sat there staring angrily as the veins popped out on his neck "What do you mean surgery?"
"I had to implant a comms device" part of Lucky flowed into a hand that wavered in front of Eds face as he went to speak "It was necessary, without it you wouldn't be able to communicate with the council"
"you could have asked me"
"I couldnt, you were unconcious at the time, besides it was only minor surgery"
"Are you telling me you have planted some kind of radio in my head?"
"Kind of, but its a lot smarter than a radio sir, it's a nimnim 2000"
"a what?"
"oh of course you are from that backward planet you dont have nimnim enterprises yet. A nimnim 2000 is the ultimate communications device and translator.....man people would kill you just to get their hands on one, there are only two thousand in the universe hence the name"
"Oh great, just what i need a device implanted in my head that people will happily kill for....aint that just bloody marvelous....Gee Lucky, what a great way to round off my day..... You idiot, what the hell did you put it in my head for?"
"your feet dont hear to well boss"
"If the result wasnt so vile id punch you in the face"
"hey dont be so ungrateful, it wasnt easy to get my hands on one i can tell you, he didn't want to give it up"
"are you implying this things 'used'?"
"Like i said boss theres only two thousand in the universe, they dont grow on trees you know"
"ohhhh goddddd take it out, take it out, take it out" Eds hands once again scrabbled at his head.
"relax Mr President sir its perfectly safe, i sterilised it myself"
"ohhhh nooooooooo"
"honestly its clean, look the nimnim2000 not only translates information but it allows non telepathic races to communicate with the telepathic ones, it will give you a terrific edge in the council. Furthermore, it translates what you say, and filters it into the exact language of all the people within earshot. It also does the same thing in reverse allowing you to understand over five billion languages and dialects"
Ed sighed heavily "i just want to go home, i want a hot cup of coffe, a hot bath and a bottle of vodka......not necessarily in that order"
"We are home Sir, currently we are in a cloaked orbit around Centauri Prime"
"You are pulling my plonker"
"sorry Sir?"
"having a laugh....taking the piss.....Centauri Prime.....its out of Babylon 5 a Television .....
"show back on earth sir....yes i am aware of this. Earth programmes are highly sought after and very influential in the Galaxy. As technologically advanced as the major races are, the idea of recording events for entertainment completely passed us by. Some scholars believe it is for exactly this reason we managed to achieve so much, others say the reason it passed us by was due to a lack of suitable snack food.....indeed a debate still rages in one of the most prominent universities "which came first the cinema or the popcorn"
"are you telling me the whole universe is watching reruns of the golden girls?"
"fumsuka! we do have some taste"
"i take it thats a no then"
"Look Mr president until seven years ago Centauri Prime was actually called Beaumelian, the word itself is steeped in history, it is believed to come from the ancient tongue and means 'playground of the gods' The name was changed at the whim of the last President. He gave us the choice Centauri Prime or G.O.D.zilla"
"What happened to the last President?"
Lucky looked down at the floor. Ed had no idea as in his natural state Lucky didnt appear to have eyes. "He was, unfortunatley, assassinated"
"assassinated"
"sadly Sir, yes.....I did try to save him, i followed the book to the letter. I saw the gunman, grabbed the president and threw us both into the bushes......that is when i learnt that the book isnt always right........you see the book doesnt account for the bodyguard being made of jelly and the projectile passed right through me hitting the president square between the eyes........i was inconsolable.....Thats how i got the nickname Lucky."
"oh one of those ironic nicknames........great"
"no Sir not at all. It wasn't till after the funeral i discovered id got lucky and one of the bushes was pregnant"
Ed began to laugh
"Im serious Sir, turned out to be the saddest and happiest day of my life"
Tears began to well in Edwards eyes as he slid down the chair, his fists pounded weakly on the floor as he tried to surpress the laughter that was ripping through his body.
"I have a baby Amorheon now" Lucky pressed "A gloopy baby boy"

Tri pulsed another deep scan towards the earth, it had been 37 minutes since he sent his first email to earth and in that short time his plan had fallen to pieces.

Convincing the council to vote the Earthman into Presidency had been easy.
The fools had depended on the wisdom of TriNiTy for so long selection had become routine. Yes, they had asked if this unusual selection was the decision of the TriNiTy, Tri had simply replied that three votes were cast in favour and the Council had grumbled but agreed.
Now, however, he had a missing President and no leads.
His circuits analysed and re-analysed the data coming from the scans. There was a slight trace of propulsion matter dissipating immediately outside the Earths atmosphere, but did that mean anything? Could Edward Brown simply be in a room where his scanners failed to penetrate. He ran a universal simulation, charting the movements of the planets at the estimated time that the propulsion matter appeared. They had been in hyperspace alignment for over three hundred planetary destinations! could someone....no it was too ludicrous a thought, no one would dare to kidnap the PoU....would they?
.........................................................................................................................................................................
Ty Personal Note: Hyperspace Drives
A Hyperspace drive is a propulsion unit capable of propelling a craft at speeds of upto (currently) three hundred times the speed of light.
The use of a Hyperspace drive is an exact science. It is imperative that all planets that stand in the path from point a to point b are in, what is classed as, alignment. This means that they are as far away in their orbit from the path the ship is to take. It may take hundreds if not thousands of years for the right path to open up if the pilot is attempting a long jump.

A recent innovation the 'stitch' drive allows a skilled pilot to 'tack' together several small hyperspace jumps, timing is of the essence (and usually left to the onboard computer, though some races have the ability to 'wildride' these) as one planet in the wrong phase of its orbit will have catastrophic consequences. The Tack drive has dramatically cut travel time, allowing pilots to take convoluted routes to arrive at their destination rather than waiting for the right alignment.

A new Prototype drive was recently field tested. It utilises the technology of a stitch drive with the capabilities of a molecular matter transporter(MMT). As ships contains organic lifeforms it was impracticle to reduce the ship into molecular components and reassemble them (see log file ref:3ew5ys - Molecular Organic lifeform matter transfer issues - 'like a frog in a blender syndrome' ). The solution is a new alloy called mercsteel and an alteration to the MMT.
Mercsteel is a metal that can change between liquid and solid states without a rise in temperature. The states are dictated by computer controlled electronic pulses and the metal is able to stretch out to a one atom thick strand if required . Modifications have been made to a normal MMT, rather than breaking the matter down into molecules it sends as one piece but delays the transmission at an atomic level so the matter is transmitted as an elongated mass. As the transmission beam is only atom wide the ship can travel a lot closer to planets with the stitch drive allowing the pilot to bend the course of the ship around planets in order to reduce travel time. In fact the whole system is so efficient that intergalactic travel takes little to no time at all.
As the organic matter is not physically broken down just altered out of shape at an atomic level there appears to be no issues regarding the transfer of organic matter in this way.

Xoloch the chief test pilot from the Defence force of the Federated Universe (F.U.) had this to say upon return from the test mission.
"Wow that was some trip, Its over so fast but the colours.....woah the colours.....I just felt like i was falling and then i was back here.....awesome, i gotta get me one of these"

The test vessel - Double Cross - has disappeared from its holding bay at the research centre on Potus. Federal Authorities are seeking the ex presidential bodyguard & one time Speedster champion 'Lucky' Froo in connection with the disappearance.

Ty Personal Note Ends:
.........................................................................................................................................................................

Ed walked over to the nimnim constructor built into the wall by the door on the bridge of the 'Double Cross'.

"so this thing can recreate anything that will fit within its space?"

"Yeah boss its a smart piece of kit....them boys in nimnim sure know a thing or two"

Ed eyed the machine "anything?" he asked again

"yup anything"

"give me a cup of coffee" the hatch slid open and the scent of freshly brewed coffee permeated the bridge. Eds hand grabbed the handle and he bought the coffee to his lips, blowing on it as he stared at the machine.

"Anything hey....hmmm.....toasted marshmallows" The hatch slid open once more, pink fluffy marshmallows oozed over the once clean metallic plate

"dont forget to ask for a dish" shouted lucky from the other end of the room "they can be a bugger to clean, get me some water will you the air con in here is drying me out"

Ed looked into the hatch.....closed it......reopened it hoping to see a shiny clean metallic plate, he was met with a view of pink goo "ummmm yeah right....water you say?"

Water ran onto the goo and dribbled down the wall onto the floor. Ed slammed the hatch closed and threw his back against the machine.

"any chance of that water Boss?"

"Just getting it Lucky......you never did tell me about the voice in my head....who exactly was that?" Ed asked, hoping to distract Lucky. His eyes scanning the empty room hoping to find a cleaning implement of some kind.

"The 2000 in your head has been specially tuned to recieve data directly from Ni one of the TriNiTy that directs the Galactic Council on their decision making"

"uhuh" Ed replied trying to sound interested as he placed his coffee cup on the floor , unbuttoned his shirt and began frantically mopping at the water "This Ni fellow i take it hes like an advisor to the president?'

"Kind of Sir, but Ni isnt a fellow hes a computer...what we call an A.L.F.I.E., an Artificial Life Form Intelligent Entity. The three of them have been advising the council for nearly two thousand years now i believe...though i could be wrong history was never my strong point"

"Do all Presidents have a direct line to what did you call it? Trinity?" asked Ed as he scooped the mushy pink marshmallow from the machine with his fine italian cotton shirt.

"Trinity, thats right Boss. Not a direct line as such......Ni asked me to come and get you, he thinks you are in danger....i'm not sure whats going on but from what i can make out theres trouble brewing between Tri,Ni & Ty".

"Danger? from who? " Ed asked a hint of concern in his voice as he stuffed the shirt into the Constructor and closed the hatch.

"Ni never said, but having lost one President i'm damned sure it aint gonna happen again"

Ed relifted the hatch, the shirt had disappeared just as the cloth had earlier "So where is this Trinity hanging out?"

"Orbiting Centauri Prime boss, just like us"

Eds jaw dropped, he began to move towards Lucky. His foot came down on the cup containing his coffee, the hot liquid poured out scalding the sole of his foot. "Shit, shit ,shit" He yelled as he hopped across the floor grasping his burnt foot and trying to blow on it.

"I know its a pickle isnt it sir, i mean how do we get you down there without the TriNiTy seeing us" Said lucky staring out at the glimmers of light reflecting off the orbiting trio

Ni prepared for another static dump, it was his second in a short space of time and he was hoping they were so routine no one would notice.
Static build up was a major concern within TriNiTy. The complex machines had many moving parts keeping them in orbit and between them, the circuitry and no where to earth, static built and became a danger to the delicate processors powering the 'brain' of the A.L.F.I.E.s .
Static dumping was achieved by jettisoning a small metal sphere and arcing the built up static across space to the discharged ball where it would drift off into the greater cosmos.

Ni.RP5, one of a team of repairbots,powered its magnetic tracks towards Nis air lock, carrying the modified sphere. Under the guidance of Ni, the bots had spent the time since Tris coup creating this complex, minute , transmitter/reciever.

The Prototype had been tested with the last dump, and had enabled Ni to communicate directly with the Human, the broadcasts encrypted and hidden in the static discharges. In the ten minutes since the test a few modifications had taken place. One involved a sentient chip, this gave the sphere a small part of Nis personality and imprinted his thought patterns. This would allow the sphere, that had been named miNi, to communicate as though it were Ni himself guiding the Human along the appropriate course of action. The second ammendment had been the addition of a minute thruster and the third a tiny suction clamp.

Ni.RP5 sat and waited, the airlock was open now and all that remained was for Ni to turn towards Tri. miNi was to be jettisoned at Tri, it would manouvere and clamp onto the hull by Tris main transmitter. From here it could attach communications to Tris already sent messages, effectively stopping Tri from monitoring the broadcasts. Communication back to Ni would be done under cover when Tri Static dumped.
Slowly Tri came into view

Ni monitored the jettison as he sifted through the latest earth entertainment broadcasts and thought to himself............ smarter than the average bear

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ed stood on the bridge, naked from the waist up and the ankles down, staring at the blue/green mass the Double cross currently orbited. Lucky, transformed back into his hulking human '007' persona to make Ed feel more at ease, scanned the human with a hand held measurement device.
"The measurements would be easier if you removed the trousers boss"
"Forget it Lucky, i dont care what you say i am not standing in my underwear with a creature that oozes sperm trying to take my inside leg measurement. I maybe out of my universe, but i am not out of my mind"
"so you say, President 'head for a doorjam' "muttered Lucky as he scanned around Eds body.
"what did you say?"
"nothing boss, speaking measurements out loud thats all"
"What is the current fashion for the civilized universe?"
"Well Mr President, it varies depending upon species, the current style for the bipeds is a green tunic, worn with green shorts, green tights, brown boots and a jaunty green hat with a feather in it"
"Robin hood....The Galactic council, Representatives of the known space faring world, Ambassadors of the Universe.....dress up like Robin bloody Hood to have meetings?"

"Absoloutley, they like what the image portrays to the common lifeform. In all fairness, the Leader of the Ssarth, the outlawed and most destructive race in exhistance has taken to wearing the outfit of the Sherrif of Nottingham.......I did tell you that your earth programmes were highly influential. The late President believed quite vehemently in the power of imagery. Ironically when he was shot he was wearing his superman outfit".

"What is wrong with you people? I cant believe any of this, its like being back in kindergarten. You are supposedly supreme beings with technology far in advance of our own and yet you are still running around playing at childish fantasies"

"Boss, you need to understand that the technology we have is awesome. Our Industrial revolution makes yours akin to running into that guy with 'the end is nigh' written on a sandwich board. We have embraced automation, Organic labour is rarely utilised and is in fact against the organic rights act."

"what has this to do with Robin Hood outfits?"

"while Automation and technology have meant we seldom have to work it has created another problem.....a Universal problem in fact. We are bored Ed....very very bored. This is why TriNiTy discovering Earths broadcasts has been so life changing and why we embrace so many of your programs"

"Are you telling me that you had no entertainment before you discovered Television?"

"of course not, we had, still do have, music. Casinos....we have some excellent casinos. Clubs, bars, amusements, video games. We have all of these things......It is just that tv and radio broadcasting....well that was always for military functions. It just never occured to anyone to create scenarios and act them out".

"do you not have theatres?"

"we do now, though hardly anyone goes everyone stays in watching TV"

"but how do you survive? surely you are just wasting away....there is so much to see how can the entire universe be so jaded in its belief that there is nothing to do?"

"We are bored Ed....you would not understand. I have wet the head of a birthing star, as we say, been present at its creation, watching from a SurfViewer". Lucky noted Eds blank expression "A ship heavily protected and designed to ride the solar flares pushed out by the creation of a star. Shit, by the time i came of age i had stayed on the pleasure planet Vibro, wrestled with the naked vixens of Ulerran, eaten at the 'to die for' restaurant and been recloned at the 'morning after' club....when i say we are bored i do not say it lightly. Machines do everything for us, some races have even given up walking......Your broadcasts could not have reached us at a worst time, they were all that was required to send the races into an almost catatonic state".

"what about your scholars, you mentioned before that you had universities".

"We once had fantastic universities" Lucky sighed heavily "now what we have are big unused libraries where students pursue worthless qualifications....you will not believe this but one university is even offering a degree in Klingon....I mean Klingon for brunks sake, a completely fictitious language from a backward planet....no offence...have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?"

The welts on Eds face turned a deeper shade of crimson as he replied embaressedly "we have those too.....So are my tights ready then?"

Ssakarass The Exalted, high priest, Sherriff and ruler of the Ssarth, slithered across the heated stone floor of his temple to the balcony. His serpentine body, clothed in the black fur trimmed, recently designated, robe of his office, coiled around a warmed rest column. His elongated head perched on the carved top, mottled reddy brown eyes surveying the gathered warriors below. The metallic shoulders grafted to his body, that held his cloak in place, each sported a telescopic, spindly but robust robotic arm which ended in a seven digited alloy hand.

The crowd cheered wildly as he took his place and the ritual chanting of his name thronged the square.
"Ssakarass, Ssakarass,Ssakarass"
Ssakarass gave a hissing chuckle, his metallic hand reaching to the clear glass bowl at his feet, scooping up a large live rodent. He popped it into his mouth and swallowed it down.

He raised his hands above his head and instantly the chanting ceased.
"Brotherssss" he hissed " the time isss near at hand, ssssoon we will make our move againsssst the counsssil crushing it in a sssssingle blow. Ssoruss, bring me the crown"

Four spherical creatures entered the room trailed by the whip weilding serpentine Ssoruss. The creatures resembled large heads on spindly legs with arms protruding from just above the ears. Between them they carried a jewel encrusted chest. Ssoruss whipped at them for good show as they made their way to his Leige.

The Chest was placed in front of Ssakarass and the creatures backed out of the room, their eyes permanently downcast. Ssoruss opened the chest with his robotic limbs and reverentially held aloft the snake headed skull cap. tiny l.e.ds winked on and off as the sensors inside neared the brainwaves of their owner. Slowly he lowered the cap onto the head of the waiting Ssakarass. The gathered crowd erupted into cheering once more.

A white film glazed the eyes of the Priest King as he merged with the circuitry, he fought for control, his mind exposed to the sheer enormity of Tris data banks and electronic thought patterns. The surpressors built into the crown whirred into life protecting their operator whilst connecting to the infiltrated program that would cede control of the powerful computer directly to Ssarkass.

Ssarkass felt like a god............so much knowledge........ for fun he turned Tris scanners towards his kingdom, drilling down, layer upon layer until he was watching himself on the balcony. He broke into a fangy grin. He observed his fangy grinning self and grinned wider, his forked tongue lolling out his mouth. He became aware of how undignified he looked, retracted his tongue snapped his mouth shut and pressed on with the matter at hand. He accessed the datafiles on E.Brown scanning for the notification that the President had arrived in the council and taken his seat. He followed Tris record log, he began to frown.

Ssoruss coiled the base of his body and arched the remainder of his back upright. He drank in the cheers and applause dreaming of the day he would seize the throne for himself. He turned his eyes to the grinning fool beside him and for just a moment an observer would have seen the contempt in them. Ssorus watched as Ssarkass became more serious faced then turned away to revel in the fantasy he hoped would soon become reality.

Ssarkass read and reread the file....how could this have happened where the hell was HIS President! An animalistic cry passed his lips, he snatched the crown from his head and slammed it into the face of Ssoruss. Uncoiling from his resting place he slithered angrily from the room.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty Note: The Ssarth

The Warlike Ssarth have only become a threat over the last thousand years. For Millenia they dwelt in the jungles of the planet Ssakan (previously Hawoowan) living on wild animals and unwary travellers. The race are extremely warlike congregating in large groups collectively known as a constrict.
Their planet is shared by the more peaceful and rotund race named Hawas. Hawas are exceptionally gifted when it comes to technology and for centuries after the two races encountered each other the Hawas maintained their seperate and peaceful exhistance by utilising technology to keep their races apart. During the third intergalactic war Hawoowan (as it was then) was invaded by the Bullootah, a race of large powerful creatures that resemble bipedal Rhinocerai. The Passive Hawas were in danger of being overrun and in desperation struck a treaty with the Ssakan. In return for their aid the Hawas would use their knowledge to graft cyber limbs onto the serpents enabling them to wield weapons. The Ssakan destroyed the Bullootah in a series of vicious battles fought deep in their jungles. They then turned on the Hawas enslaving them and forcing them to create technological aids for the diabolical schemes of the expanding Ssakan empire.

Due to their continued aggression the Ssakan were placed under strict sanctioning from the Galactic council and a permanent starship blockade is in place to destroy any lifeform attempting to get in or out of their empire.

Ty Note Ends
........................................................................................................................................

Ed stood in front of the mirrored panel and placed the cap on his head, he sighed as he buckled the brown belt around his waist.
"why am i doing this" he asked of the empty living quarters he'd opted to change in.
Turning side on he let out a despairing cry as it became evident how badly his stomach was hanging over the belt. "oh man " he said to the world in general "its bad enough i have to wear tights but this tunic is too much. I look like a gay dogs humping tree....theres got to be another way."

"Please dont be alarmed" Nis voice echoed through Eds skull.

"nooooo not you again....dont be alarmed! you're inside my bloody head what do you think im going to be"

"Im sorry Mr Brown but i need to speak with you"

"Ok but in future give me some warning alright"

"And what would you prefer? a ringing bell? a loud knock? maybe a polite cough"

"Theres no need to be sarcastic....i thought you were a computer"

"I am a computer, but a computer that is an Artificial (supposedly), Intelligent Lifeform. I am capable of simulating any organic trait"

"okay okay, what are you after?"

"I am trying to save your life, it is why i had Lucky pick you up and bring you here. I am, Mr Brown, your only hope of getting out of here alive"
Inside Eds head Thunder crashed, the pounding of the rain intensified and a crackle of lightning echoed noisily.

"ow goddammit cut that out, i dont need the sound effects"

"Oh sorry, i thought it would, well you know, add to the whole ambience and reinforce my statement. It is a trick used by many of your film directors"

"Im aware of that, but trust me, i dont need the fact that i am in danger of being killed to be reinforced. I am, oddly enough, quite partial to not being killed. In fact if i were to draw up a list of things to do today i would have to be pretty bloody far down it before 'get myself killed' cropped up...do you get my drift Hal"

"My name is Ni not Hal, and yes i get your 'drift' Mr Brown. I do not have much time, it is complicated to explain but in order to talk with you i have to use a battery cell. It recharges quickly but communicating takes a lot of power. So please listen and try not to interrupt".

"ok get it over with and then get out of my head"

" Tri, one of the three computers that make up the TriNiTy has gone insane, he plans to place you as a puppet president and use the power to take over the universe. He is holding myself and Ty hostage so that we cannot interfere. At present he believes you are missing. If he discovers you are here and acting alone he will kill you. If he discovers you have communicated with me he will destroy us both. You must get to Centauri Prime and inform the council, they should have a deactivation code for TriNiTy. We need deactivating and repairing before being switched back on. Do you understand?"

"Well its hardly rocket science i think i get the idea"

"Actually some of it will be rocket science, but thankfully we wont be relying upon a species recently filed as 'interesting monkey development' in order to carry it out"

"Hey, im your bloody president"

"No Mr Brown, I am part of TriNiTy a member of the G.O.D. you are not my President you are merely a lesser lifeform falsely promoted into a position of power. I am trying to save the world you are just a moron. Make sure it gets done"

Eds head went quiet

"And Fuck you too pal" he screamed at the empty air.

Whats in a name?

2005-08-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

Ive been called a few things over the years, not all of them complimentary. I think the most misleading job title though was 'Internal Sales consultant'. It took me a while to realise they meant 'Telesales' in the interview. I thought they wanted me to sell stuff to their employees (ok ok i was smoking quite a bit back then).

Anyway the last few days my manager has been palming me off onto other departments to keep me busy while i work off my final days of the sentance, sorry finish my notice period. For the last 2 days ive been in Marketing. Marketing people are great. very chatty/friendly relaxed, laid back (we listen to jazz and have afternoon tea!) They have me calling up companies to check the contacts are coreect for the next round of marketing (ironically enough to my ex-potential client base). Ive been checking names and job titles and its got my lil brain turning over.
Job titles, everyone who works has one. Yet you may do the same job as someone in another company and have wildly different monikers.You could be 'Head of Purchasing' or alternatelty 'Buying Consultant'. Marketing Manager or Client Relationships Manager. It seems there is always another spin on your job title.
I am finding this inspiring. I now want an obscure job title that sounds important. In fact I am making it my long term goal to end up as 'Vice President of Internal Affairs' Yeah im gonna bust yer inter work relationship ass, be a no nonsense loose cannon on the board ensuring no ones making out on the photo copier. Im gonna put armed guards on the mistletoe at the xmas party. Pucker up in my office and yer doing time asshole.

At least thats what i think the job title means, i could be wrong

FFiendish

2005-07-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

I have been addicted to computer games ever since you had to jump an x over an o on a zx81. My ~~obsession~~ hobby has seen me own numerous computers, consoles, handhelds and even mobile phones (yes my criterior for a phone is what games can i play on it). Every now and then though you find a little gem, lose it and the rediscover it again. This has been the case with Dragoncourt by the good people at FFiends inc. Its a wonderfully simple point and click hack n slash rpg.

I have also recently been playing Brown cow curling which is ok if you have 5 minutes to waste.

And if you want a playable online top down shooter then have a go at Doomed

All hail the Tinterweb.

2005-07-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

BBFK (author of 'Eat these crumbs' use link on right hand nav bar cos im a lazy bugger) got me pondering. Recently she visited Long Island in NY (if it can be classed as in NY, im fairly sure i just insulted the population of Long Island)and that got me to thinking 'just how long is it?'.
So i opens me trusty browser, which is set to the great search god, Google (all hail Google.....mmmm Goooooooogle) and i type in Long Island length. The wealth of knowledge returned to me is vast as i expected.
I can, from this simple exercise, and thanks to the generosity of Google (say three alta vistas and a Yahoo in worship) tell you:
The railroad on long island runs the length of the island
The length of Long Island (60 miles). unfortunatley this is the long island in the bahamas and so not that useful, still 60 miles is pretty long for an island so respect to the rock!
You can get your hair braided on long island
You can look at the entire geneaology of long island

and the list goes on. Nowhere on the Google (say five msn' and ask jeeves to thrash you in pennance)search page does it mention the length of Long Island NY. I find this odd. Of course i dont blame Google (Say seven Lycos' and lick the dogpile), i dare not invite the wrath of the omnipotent cyber being, but i think Long Islanders should get together and rectify this shortsightedness.
It left me wondering if Long Island is actually very long at all. Maybe it was called Long Island because the first settler had Island envy with the mainland...i really do not know.
Google (say nine netscapes and (try to)uninstall aol (this will be a far more painful experience than the previous pennance) eventually provided me with an answer after delving into one of the manysights the all knowing deigned to produce.

For those of you that wish to maintain this mystery look away now

Long Island is:

118 Miles long! I agree thats a pretty long island and while Long Island may not be the most well thought out name (I dont think it took long to decide on it) it beats 'that big rock near New York'.

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me......and im feelin good

2005-07-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

I did it, finally after many years of bitching and moaning about the work i loved and have come to loathe i have done it.
No more cold calling *does the happy dance*
No more Account Management.
No more sales targets.
No more truly stupendous eeediots (thanks Ren) as managers drawing up unrealistic and unachievable targets then blaming me when they cant be achieved (hey heres a f'ckin plan why not consult those at the coalface before declaring you're doubling the income to the board, then 6 months later having to explain why your plan for global sales domination was based on figures plucked out of your ass during a cocaine fuelled evening with your wife and best mate!)
Today i resigned from , what i hope, is my last ever sales job. I am extending my middle digit to the entire corporate sales world and screaming my defiance at a profession i have come to hate with such passion it nearly turns me on.
I have a daunting task in front of me now. Totally reskilling in 6 weeks into the world of downward glances, mumbling into keyboards and all round bad temperedness when dealing with people. Yes im going into Server administration.

I have to serve(neat pun huh) my 4 weeks notice here first but there is now so much light at the end of the tunnel if i hold up a magnifying glass i will start a bush fire.

I have spent the last 10 years selling. From my first job (comission only, selling trade association membership to small companies) thru my days as a slaver, oops sorry recruitment consultant, across the fertile plain of Microsoft solutions, briefly skimming over the arid desert of early online advertising and creating a beautiful rich verdant oasis from which the corporate camels could survive, till finally resting in the decaying tomb of images. I have seen much, sold plenty, drank more. I have pitched to clients at 3am after drinking heavily all night and won! I have won more incentives than i can feasibly remember. I have coined the phrase 'all clients are bastards' and spread this message to many many young and impressionable sales people. Finally i no longer have to care. I dont give a toss if your company is falling apart, your ad campaigns not working or if you wont pay the bill. Quite simply i am glad to see the back of an industry in decline. There was a time when salespeople were seen as the lifeblood of the company. Were cherished and nurtured, respected and envied. Nowadays we are viewed as the reason the company isnt performing, the stumbling block to the latest plan devised by the coke fueled business managers desperate for recognition. Well to the lot of them: I happily salute you with my middle digit and hope you rot in hell.

2005-07-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

Now that is f*ckin spooky!!!!!!!
I post about it and it mysteriously fixes??????? So i guess the rewards mine all mine mwuhahahahahaha

Reward offered

2005-07-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

If anyone can explain to me how to get my nav bar back in its rightful place i will send them....urrrrr somthing. Or maybe (if yer really lucky) stop by and make a comment on yer blog ;)

Seriously though its bloody infuriating, i cant work out how its happened (i think i may have hit tab by mistake while blogging????) and even though ive tried changing templates etc nothing fixes it. Its been close to getting a spading (being hit with a spade for those of you in the dark) but as that would only ruin my laptop its not a solution.

I have emailed the Blogger help people but they are quieter than a mute librarian wrapped in cotton wool. In fact they are so quiet i worry they have died at their desks under a barrage of abusive emails. Please help if you can (Dont force me to gather together prominent geeks from around the world and launch Blog Eight, where they will sit on stage in utter silence tapping out code and ocassionaly letting loose with snorting laughter when the code accidentaly spells (c)o(c)k or some such nonsense). You have been warned of the consequences!

Synchronised Swimming

2005-07-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

I think ive mentioned this, before, but its often hard to write a sentance without it.

Today at work i came across an image that has just arrived from Canada, and everything about this image is wrong.
Canada are holding the FINA swimming world championships in Montreal at the moment, and theres the first issue i have. A swimming competition sponsored by a petrol company. Isnt that a bit like Marlboro sponsoring the local hospitals respirator machines? I mean you cant really say that the petrol companies have done much for the advancement of swimming or indeed any water based activity (save for deep sea drilling and cleaning up after oil spillages). But anyway thats not what caught my attention....no it is far better than that.
There is an event called Synchronised swimming. 'So what' i hear you cry 'thats been around for years' and indeed you are correct. It is not unusual for us to see several women wallowing about in the water, raising various limbs together in an image of stylised drowning. But this is different. It is a little difficult to take in at first, the event i refer to is, of course, the SOLO synchronised swimming event! How the f*ck do you do that? Surely if you are in the water wallowing about on your own, you are no longer sychronising in your swimming. It matters not how elegant the hand that breaks the water appears or the toe that pierces the calm liquid as a slender foot is hoisted into the air.You are not synchronising. No you aren't, so dont argue, quite simply you are just f*cking about in the water like we all do when we cant be bothered to swim.
Solo Synchronised swimming! ffs they will be giving out medals for falling in from the side soon.

Yeah thanks Lever! :)

2005-07-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

Well, just as i was settling down to a week of no blogging up pops lever and hits me with this one. So thanks Lever, remind me to put a call in to American immigration ;)

Number of books owned: Absoloutely no idea, it runs into about 3 boxes. My collection was slimmed down prior to emmigrating. I am yet to recover from the trauma so thanks for making me relive it Lever!

Last book bought: Ive just purchased the entire collection of 'The Lost Regiment' (9 books) A sci-fi/fantasy series written by an American professor. Its all about an American civil war unit who passthrough a gateway to another world where they battle to avoid being eaten alive by a bunch of very grouchy nomadic aliens.

Last Book Read : Volume 7 in the above series.

Five books that mean a lot to me:

The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Just wonderful genius inspiring comedic sci-fi

Lazy Bones. I read this on my travels and its the first and only book to make me cry. Its about a young girl raped and murdered by a sick twisted man. The whole book is about her watching from heaven at the way her family falls apart over her death. Very very moving, compelling and a must read.

The Jerusalem Man by David Gemmell. Gemmell is my all time favourite trash fantasy writer. easy to read, great storylines and dramatic good vs evil battles. The Jerusalem man (Jon Shannow) is set after the fall of the world. Shannow is a tormented soul, riding the vast land searching for salvation at the hands of his god. The world is very similar to the early wild west and Shannow dispenses his own violent brand of judgement and justice. He takes no pleasure in killing, if anything it slowly destroys him piece by piece but he cannot stand to see brigands prosper and the innocent suffer. Great stuff and a lengthy tome i reread at least once a year.

Breakfast of Champions. Needs little explanation this one. Kurt Vonnegut Jr at his best. Any book that can spawn the phrase 'Go take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut' is going to get my vote.

The Groucho Letters. Im a big Marx bros fan and to me Groucho was possibly the finest comedian of the century. His quick, anarchic and chaotic wit is an absoloute joy. To read his correspondence is to realise that what you see in the films is how he lived his life. The book contains such classics as "I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER." or even "From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it". Then, of course, there is "Women should be obscene and not heard" His letters are to a surprising ammount of celebrities at the time and offers a glimpse into their private lives. Just great, great stuff to while away a few hours.

Im not going to tag anyone with this. But if you want to write about your books then go ahead.

Lever. Thanks, i actually enjoyed that once i got started. I'll call customs and have you taken off the undesirable list.

I cant be bothered to blog....so read this instead.

2005-07-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

The complete military History of France.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

No it is honest

Bombs in London.......so whats new

2005-07-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

First of all my condolences to the families and friends of those that lost their lives in yet another pointless and cowardly attack on my homeland. I have pondered long and hard on wether to blog on this subject and really have little else to say. I did however stumble across an article by Tony Parsons who writes for the daily mirror. I have reproduced it below.

TONY PARSONS: WE CAN TAKE IT
If these murderous bastards go on for a thousand years, the people of our islands will never be cowed
By Tony Parsons
LONDON can take it. That's what they said - our parents and our grandparents - when the murderous bullies of another age were attempting to bomb them into submission.
When the maimed and the dead were being pulled from the rubble, and the survivors were meant to curl up and surrender.
London can take it.
I was sitting in a little cafe in North London yesterday when the news came through. You know how it works - that horrible echo of 9/11 - when suddenly all anyone craves is news.

And your first thoughts are selfish. Of course they are. Where is this son? Where is that loved one? Where is the friend who works next to that bomb blast, the neighbour who would have been on that train, the relative who walks down that street?
Did they survive? Are they OK? The phone lines are jammed, the hospitals are overflowing and when you step into the street all you hear are the sirens, like birdsong from hell.
But then your mind goes back to the generations who have been through all this before. The ones who stood up to the murderous bullies of their age. The men and women who carried on when the barbarians of their time were attempting to make them break.
London can take it.
It is a brave response, and a noble response, and ultimately the only possible response. What else can we say? How else can we play it?
Normality is the best revenge. To live decent, ordinary lives when they are trying to spread terror and fear like some contagious disease. All we can say is that if this thing goes on for 1,000 years, the people of this city and these islands will never be cowed.
London can take it.
This is what terror feels like - it feels like a violation of everything you love. Streets that you played in as a child full of the walking wounded. Buses that your toddler rides on torn apart and spread across the pavement.
Let us seek the men who did this - let us hunt them down and destroy. But more than that, let us send out the message that they famously hung on the front of a destroyed shopfront in the London of the Blitz - business as normal. Three little words that said: Up yours, Adolf.
We will mourn our dead and we will grieve for the families and innocent lives that have been shattered for ever. But we will carry on. Business as usual.
London can take it. The British can take it.
I FEEL very much the Londoner today. I feel every inch of me was born and bred in this beautiful, battered city.
But there have been bombs before and there will be bombs again. In Manchester and Birmingham, in Belfast and Guildford.
They - the murderous cowards who hide in the shadows, who dare not show their miserable faces - did not succeed in the past and they will not succeed today or tomorrow.
Whatever God they bow to. Whatever cause they espouse. Whatever goal is worth tearing the limbs from innocent men, women and children for.
They will never succeed. The British can take it.
London can take it.
Were there ever two days so different in the history of the capital?
On Wednesday they were dancing in the street. When the news of the 2012 Olympics came through, all the indifference and cynicism about the bid was suddenly swept away. Londoners - that wary, knowing, sceptical tribe - all felt lifted with joy that we were going to host the Olympics.
A little bit of Olympic euphoria was in the heart of every Londoner. It was an unforgettable day.
And yesterday was unforgettable for very different reasons. And already it seems too much of a coincidence that these multiple bombs came the day after Londoners danced in the street.
It feels as if someone decided that it was time to punish us. That some cowardly fanatic decided that the time was ripe for the innocent of London to pay for some perceived crime that was never anything to do with them.
As Londoners fought back the tears, as Londoners desperately tried to call their loved ones on phone networks that had packed up and died, as Londoners wandered these streets in a daze - it was impossible to separate Wednesday and yesterday.
The joy of hearing about our successful Olympic bid is now forever joined to the murderous morning after.
BUT what are we meant to do? Are we meant to curl up and die? Are we meant to pack our bags and move to the coast?
We are Londoners. We live here. We love this place. Our children play in the parks, our parents lived out their lives in these streets.
And look at these streets now. Liverpool Street station, the gateway to Essex and the City, surrounded by fire engines. Russell Square, that huge green expanse next to the British Museum, full of men and women with blood streaming from their head wounds.
King's Cross - the hub and the heart of working London. Aldgate, Old Street, the Edgware Road - every one of these bombed-out places brings back memories and emotions to the average Londoner.
This is our home. This is where we work and play. And now it has been violated by men who will never have enough bombs to break the spirit of this city.
There is a song that Noel Coward wrote at the height of the Blitz, and it is called London Pride...
Every Blitz your resistance toughening
From the Ritz to the Rose and Crown.
It was true then and it is true today. The people who placed those bombs should consult the murderous bastards of another age.
It doesn't work. Ask the IRA. Ask the Luftwaffe. None of them got what they wanted. In fact, their bombs made their aims impossible to achieve.
London will weep and London will bury its dead and London will put up extra security and London will steel itself for the next attack.
Every Blitz our resistance toughening - from the Ritz to the Rose and Crown.
London can take it.

I am no fan of the mirror, it ranks alongside the sun for news....i.e. sensationalist and celebrity obsessed. But this article sums up how it is. The unbreakable strength of a nation that will not cower in terror in the face of relentless adversity.
I just wish i was back home to be with them all

email addresses

2005-06-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

Just recently it has come to my attention that corporate email formats should NEVER be set in stone. Please allow me to explain.

The other day the Wife & I (like the king & I but she has more hair and larger breasts) were setting a mortgage in place, just in case we saw a house we wanted to buy (we did but didnt buy it.....dont ask). Along came a mortgage advisor and we ran through everything. He was a nice enough guy, Stan, from Greece or somewhere similar and, aside from taking a personal call halfway through the meeting, did everything right to win us over. We submitted most of the relevant paperwork but i needed to get a payslip from work (mine are electronic) and email it to him. Mr Trypis gave me his email address Trypiss@XXXXXX.com .....I couldnt get him out the door fast enough before collapsing in hysterics. Then today at work i had another. A lovely lady, Editor of a magazine Ashleigh.........Hooker.....or Ahooker@XXXXXX.com... Really it shouldnt be allowed. I mean i nearly said 'oh how unfortunate' but caught myself just in time......anyway on with the show and all that

meme'd!

2005-06-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

1/If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? (Assume you also get baseline superhero enhancements like moderately increased strength, endurance and agility.)

It would have to be the ice power of the silver surfer.....now thats a cool way to travel

2/ Which, if any, 'existing' superhero(es) do you fancy, and why?
There arent many great female superheroes......could someone pass me a copy of this months superplayboy?

3/Which, if any, 'existing' superhero(es) do you hate?
Robin, holy retard batman you found yourself a moron!

4/ What would your superhero name be? (No prefab porn-name formulas here, you have to make up the name you think you'd be proud to mask under.)
Beer cooler

5/ Is there an 'existing' superhero with whom you identify/whom you would like to be?
It would have to be the silver surfer. Definatley the best superhero they ever dreamt up.....and so neglected by hollywood. Im sure the lack of film rights has the guy crying ice cubes every night at the injustice of it all.

Pass it on. Three people please, and why. Well as there are very few who read my blog......its gotta be Kelly, shannon and Harry. That'll teach you to read my stuff :)

Mr President part 12

2005-05-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

The citizens screamed and began to run in random directions as the sound of gunfire spread across the square. TheBullootah troops, hearing the shots, opened up themselves, firing into the sky or blindly into the stampeding crowds. Gun muzzles were slapped down by ham fisted, irrate sergeants as they tried to control their eager troops. The slapping of the muzzles led to insults which led to sporadic fights breaking out among the Bullootah as the whole spectacle descended into violent chaos.

..............................................................................................................................................................................

Commander Tebarry dived on top of the android President slamming him to the floor of the balcony as the gunfire drowned out the screaming and panic of those below. The Presidents head struck the metal floor and bounced loose skidding across the surface. Tebarry grabbed it quickly and slammed it back into place. His eyes scanned those around him, it didnt appear that anyone had noticed. He stood, lifted the president to his feet and hurried into the room.
...............................................................................................................................................................................

Ed, Navas and Lucky ran back towards the anti-grav gate. Lucky and Navas easily out pacing the wheezing president.

"Lets get back to the ship and get the hell outta here" Lucky called over his shoulder. His eyes caught sight of a gigantic anti-grav tank lowering itself behind them.

"Run dammit" Lucky sprouted a few extra legs and sprinted off into the distance.

...............................................................................................................................................................................

Ed strained to hear what Lucky was shouting, the Amorphian was easily out running him and the distance between them was increasing. He couldn't quite catch the words above the increasing hum emanating from behind him. 'What the hell is that?' he poindered briefly.
Eds head turned.
Eds mouth fell open.
Eds legs disappeared from beneath him as he missed his step.
Ed clattered to the ground his eyes fixed on the gigantic tank powering towards him, it barely fitted in the slowly narrowing confines of the under city street. Ed rolled over and set off at a sprint, gulping down great lungfulls of air and expelling them in a "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt" scream of pure panic.
...............................................................................................................................................................................

There he is blast him cried Loxa pointing excitedly.
The tank driver looked over at the two grunts standing in his cockpit "We cant blast em, the anti matter gun will bring down the buildings"
"Let me out i'll shoot him" shouted Barrick cocking his weapon
The driver laughed "Dont waste the ammo im gonna skim the ground and crush him on the front of the tank"
He slammed the Throttle down, the tank lurched forward accelerating as Barrick and Loxa tumbled backwards into a heap on the floor.

...................................................................................................................................................................................

Ed saw the bright flashes of the cameras as Lucky hit the red carpet. Navas followed in a disjointed strobelit run. She stopped and turned staring back at him.
Glancing behind he saw the tank closing, again he slipped and tumbled to the walkway tearing the skin off his hands and knees. He turned over and watched helplessly at the inevitable doom closing in on him.

........................................................................................................................................................................................
Sparks burst from the walls as the tanks sides struck. The engines powering it further into the tightening confines of the undercity street. The tank lurched to a halt, its engine whining, screaming to be set free as the driver tried to force his way through the concrete and plas steel monolithic buildings.
The engines went into reverse but to no avail the tank was wedged firmly between the buildings.
........................................................................................................................................................................................

Ed watched as the tank came to a grinding halt. A brief silence descended before he heard deep gruff voices arguing from inside the tank.
With a small yelp he turned and ran towards the carpet.

Navas saw Ed pick himself up and run towards her, she turned and entered the doorway.
........................................................................................................................................................................................
As the camera flashs died a thousand pairs of eyes blinked open in the surrounding darkness and a furry mass began to move under the cover of shadows
......................................................................................................................................................................................

A hatch flicked up on the tank and Barrick leapt to the ground. Immediately his gun opened up the muzzle fire illuminating the dark undercity as the bullets spat out after the retreating Ed. Behind him the Driver and Loxa emerged. The three of them advanced, liberally spraying bullets before them.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................
Ed saw holes appear in the concrete wall, small clouds of dust puffing up from the floor by his feet. Then he heard the roaring sound of gunfire. He leapt headlong towards the carpet.

A rabbit sailed over him, aiming for what would have been his throat.

The Flashbulbs struck up as he hit the carpet and rolled towards the door. Glancing back he saw a heaving furry mass bursting from the shadows. The confused look from the three Bullootahs as a pack of furry critters swarmed at them ignoring the fatalities from their gunfire. Ed stood fixated, unable to move as the animals scampered across the carpet towards him.

A scaled hand reached out, grabbed him by the 'lincoln green' and dragged him thru the ships gate.
The lasting image of three bullootahs disappearing in a sea of snarling fur forever etched on his brain
..........................................................................................................................................................................

Mr President Part 11

2005-05-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

The Machine pushed over the lip of the wall and onto the edge of the flat, paved square. It stopped in front of the rails and hummed mechanically to itself. Lucky lowered the others to the ground before stretching a leg down himself and surveying the scene. It was chaos. Hundreds of thousands of citizens packed the square, waiting for a glimpse of their new president, surrounding them the large bulky, bipedal rhinoscerai forms of the Bullootah could be seen. In the distance, far across the writhing mass, the Council office loomed. The buildings main balcony was shown on a hundred giant screens around the square.

Navas ran a finger through the goo on her wrist "what is this?'

"Trust me you dont want to know" replied Ed "just wipe it off and pretend in never happened" This must be how women feel like when they wake up in a strange bed after a drunken party. Ed thought to himself.

Navas gave him a quizical look.

"Ok" said Lucky " We need to get the boss to the council building. This aint gonna be easy, hes the only human on the planet and all these" he gestured with an arm " are here to see him"

"If we walk on this side of the railings down to the end, we can hand him over to the guards, they will get him there safely" Navas interjected.

"Good thinking" replied Lucky and he set off leading the way.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Barrick and Loxa rested their weapons against the railings. They looked around, finally satisfied they were out of view of the rest of the troop, they sat down. Loxa opened a box of outlawed cigarettes and offered one to Barrick. He took it, produced a lighter and lit both his and Loxas.

Loxa inhaled deeply "What a joke all this scurity is" his words emphasised by the puffs of smoke emanating from his mouth.

Barrick nodded "As if Lucky Froos gonna turn up here. I mean if i was as rich and famous as Lucky Froo id be living it up on Vibro right now. In fact i bet thats where he is i mean that guy could Paaaaarrrrrtttyyyyy".

"If i was Lucky Froo, id have bought a small moon somewhere, settled down and raised a herd of my own"

"Well if he turns up here and you catch him, you can do just that" Barrick replied "Can you believe the size of the reward they are offering?"

Loxa placed the cigarette in his mouth, lifted his helmet and scratched behind his ear "I know, crazy aint it. Its not like he actually shot the last president himself is it"

"Ya know, i heard Oogar de Marla had the President, his cousin, assassinated and that Lucky was somehow involved"

"That sounds like crap to me, Oogar was doing well under Kaldons rule. I mean Kaldon even quashed the three warrants that were out on Marla"

"Yeah, well i heard that Kaldon was trying to muscle in on Marlas business interests and was using the Council to try and force things along"

"who told you that crap?"

"Hey it aint Crap, alright. Ive got friends in high places i have" Barrick said jabbing his chest with his meaty thumb.

Loxa laughed "The only friend you got is me, and i only put up with ya as a service too Bullootah kind"

Barrick stood up and glared down at Loxa "Yeah, you got a problem with me Loxa?"

Loxa stood and squared up to him "What if i have? what are you gonna do about it horn-weener"

Barricks solid fist crashed into the side of Loxas solid head.

"Urrr excuse me, could either of you guys give us a hand?" came the voice of Lucky Froo

Barrick, with one hand clamped to the throat of Loxa turned to look at him. "What do you want citizen, can't you see we're busy"

"Yes, and you can resume that later. Right now i need you to help the president"

On cue Ed pushed his way to the railings.

Loxa snorted "yeah yeah and i'm Lucky Froo"

"No actually hes Lucky Froo" Ed chipped in pointing to Lucky

Loxa and Barrick looked at each other.

The crowd errupted into a deafening cheer.

Loxa looked back at Ed "If you're the President then who's that?" He gestured to the nearest screen.

Ed and party looked. They saw Ed (minus the bruises and tears in the costume) stood on the balcony waving to the crowds. They looked back to be confronted by the two Bullootahs now brandishing their weapons.

"Lucky Froo huh, you just bought me the moon"

"Jump" said Lucky.

They Jumped and overhead bullets whistled off into the distance.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ed was panicking, he tumbled end over end towards the ground.

Navas was right behind him limbs spread like a skydiver.

Lucky followed and began to change shape. His form spread out until it was paper thin. Tendrils appeared, shooting out and clamping on to Ed and Navas. Stretched exactly like a giant parachute the trios descent began to slow.

"I thought you said you couldnt fly" shouted Ed

"I cant" came the reply "But im bloody good at falling"

Mr President Part 10

2005-04-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

The hulking form of Lucky Froo strode purposefully down the walkway, the towering cityblocks casting an oppressive and claustrophobic feel over those on the ground. Navas followed, her lithe reptilian form flitting from shadow to shadow, unconciously her tongue flicked out and licked the dust from her eyeball. Behind them both came Edward Brown in his lincoln green and ripped tights.

The walkway ended in a large flat wall, Lucky stopped and waited for the others to catch up.
"Where now" asked Lucky when Navas caught up.

"Well i think this is the start of the main square, we need to go up"

They both looked up. The wall, from here, seemed endless.

"It must be three hundred stories or more" said Lucky

Ed arrived breathing heavily "Im sick of this already, these boots are bloody killing me, where's the presidential car?"

"Does he moan all the time?" Navas asked, motioning towards Ed.

"Pretty much, i think its been a lot for him to take in" replied Lucky.

"Hey! i am here you know" exclaimed Ed

"Maybe we can go around" Lucky thought out loud

"Its a big area Lucky, that square can hold over a million. We need to go up"

"but how?" mused Lucky

"Great, now i'm invisible"

"Boss, please we are thinking here. We need to get to the top"

"Well just change into a big bird and fly us up there"

Navas and Lucky exchanged glances

"I can see why ape boys got the big job" Navas said, her mouth turning up in what could have been a smile.

"well i thought it was obvious" Ed replied smugly

"urrr boss, i'm a bit heavy for the flying thing. Birds have hollow bones and stuff....im pretty heavy in comparisson"

Navas laughed "You must be one hell of a politician Mr President"

BONGGGGGGGGGG

Ed crumpled to the floor clutching at his head, his face drained to white. Navas and Lucky looked to each other before moving towards him.

"How was the bell Mr brown?" came the voice of Ni from inside Eds head.

"YOU BASTARD" Ed shouted

"Hey boss theres no need to be like that" Lucky replied

"Now Now Mr President, you did request some kind of warning did you not?"

"Warning! you call that a warning......"

"Whats he on about?" Navas enquired of Lucky

"Yes, the ringing of church bells, i believe it was used as a warning in your country during wartime. By the way if you dont want the rest of the planet to think you are insane, i suggest you THINK your replies" Ni stated

"I Hate you" Ed thought

"Likewise. Now, feelings aside, tell Lucky that i have directed a street cleaner your way so stick around"

"Marvellous, from President of the Universe to Secretary for SpermBoy in the uttering of a sentance"

BONNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGG

Eds hands grasped at his head again

"YOU BASTARDDDDDDD" he screamed
...........................................................................................................................................................................

The Foreign Dignataries filtered slowly into the council building. The Guards trained their guns on the cheering crowd in case of trouble. The councillors DNA was checked as they entered in case Lucky Froo was amongst them.

Commander Tebarry jumped as the crate materialised in his office. He snorted, stood and walked around it. Pulling his combat knife from his belt he jammed it under the lid and popped it open. The side fell away spilling packing foam over the floor. He smiled as he gazed upon the contents, reached inside,lifted the hair and flicked the switch.

"I am Edward Brown, President of the Universe" spoke the android as it stepped into the office. "Take me to the council".

Tebarry thumped out another message on his heavy duty keyboard

Tri,
Package recieved.

Commander Tebarry

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty Note: Cleaners
A Cleaner is a large vacuum machine. The base sucks on to the surface cleaning it as the unit is driven forward by solar power. The machines are completely computerised and roam randomly around the cityplexes along floors and over buildings.
Following the introduction of television the cleaner units were momentarily decomissioned and reprogrammed after an unsavory broadcast involving a cleaner and eighteen male 'workers' on the pleasure planet vibro. This included the units maintain a 100% service record.

Ty Note: Ends
...........................................................................................................................................................................

The odd machine sucked its way along the walkway. Dust, leaves and the general debris disappeared as it passed by. The flat base expanding and contracting, shaping itself exactly to the required width. Ed discreetly backed himself behind Lucky, aprehensive as the large vehicle drew closer. About five feet away the unit halted and a synthesised voice rang out.
"citizens, please leave the walkway"
The vehicles base contracted making room to allow the party to move past.

"Follow me" Lucky set off along the side of the cleaner. As he reached the mid section his body elongated stretching up to the top of the unit, hands formed clamping him on to the solar panel. At the same time his usual hands grasped Navas and Ed by the wrists yanking them off the ground as his body flowed over the machine until all three were sat on top of the cleaner.

The machine moved off. Upon reaching the wall the unit halted again. Slowly it lifted off the ground as a sturdy telescopic tripod extended. The Flat base unit swivelled up, the vacuum started once more clamping it to the wall. The tripod retracted and the cleaner set off on its journey up the wall to the council square.
..........................................................................................................................................................................
Ssarkass slithered out once more onto the balcony, his body coiled around the resting post. The robotic arms darted out, fingers snatching the communication cap from the hands of Ssorus and placing it firmly on his own head.
The gathered warriors erupted in hissing cheers at the sight of their leader, several fired their lasers into the sky in celebration.
Ssarkass melded once more with Tri, bludgeoning his way through the layers of data until he found the president file. Slowly the grin formed on his face, how brilliant that Tri was now thinking just for him. Leaving specific instructions for Tri to have the android remove the space blockade he removed the cap.
"Yesssssss Brotherssssssss, the time issss nearly at hand . Sssssoon the sssssshipssss will leave our ssssspace and we will be free to pilot the new craft the Hawassss have built for ussss. Ssssoon my Brothersssss we will be at war onsssse more"

The cheering grew in volume, the sky lit up with laser fire as hundreds of thousands of metallic arms raised their weapons in celebration.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

In the Ssarth palace dungeons a group of Hawas sat, surrounded by tools, circuitboards and various other components. Durmon, the Hawan King, removed his communication cap, dismantled it and hid it in the secret hollow handle of a hammer.
"How did it go sire?" Enquired Brundor, the chief technician.

Durmon smiled "Tri has placed an android as president, soon the blockade will be lifted and the Ssarth will depart. I had to arrange transport for the Amorphian, but soon that little party will progress the greater plan. Freedom is close, i can almost taste it Brundor......almost"

Mr President Part 9

2005-04-25T03:03:00.000-07:00

A troop of the Presidential Guard marched out of the galactic council building and took up positions around the entrance. The Twenty Bullootahs, all in black combat suits and toting metre long, fully automatic, belt fed, projectile rifles, spread out, their weapons trained on the gathering crowds behind the barriers. Two more emerged and stood by the matter scanner that surrounded the entrance and identified every living creature that entered and left the building by its DNA.
In the background, behind the crowds, more and more Bullootah troops moved into position, several anti-grav tanks hovered into place their guns continually moving as they surveyed the scene. The giant lasers on top of the council building hummed into life and began searching the skies for potential threats. A squadron of OAC (Outer Atmosphere Capable) craft screamed their propulsion scream way above the city.

Inside the council building, along the deserted and eerily quiet corridors of power. Down the stairs, past the portraits of the long forgotten leaders and down, deep down, into the bowels of the complex. Past the Bullootah guards and through the Indestructasteel doorway that leads into the command centre there is an office.

Commander Tebarry of the Presidential Guard sat on his command chair gazing at the banks of tv screens relaying the images of his troops deployment. His large, stubby fingers punched solidly at the keys on his Indestructasteel keyboard. Muscles sprang to life on his shoulders as his huge head turned back to the computer screen, finally satisfied that his men were in place.
His fingers picked up speed as he thumped out a message.

Tri,
All troops in place.
No sign of the package at present.
Holding cell and interrogation chamber prepared.
All soldiers issued with orders to capture or incapacitate 'Lucky' Froo.

Awaiting further developments/Instructions

Commander Tebarry.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

"The Lucky Froo?"Navas enquired excitedly. "The five time winner of the Speedster 500?"

Lucky smiled and winked at the Geramin. "Thats me"

"Oh this is awesome, im such a fan. My dad used to take me to watch you race, before....before....well you know"

Lucky stared down at his feet "yeah, i know" he muttered regretfully

"Know what?" Ed enquired intruiged by this latest information on his newly acquainted associate. "And what exactly is a Speedster?"

"A Speedster, is like a jet bike but faster and without any of the safety systems" Navas animatedly replied a wild gleen in her eyes "Lucky was..." she looked at her one time idol "Is the best damn Speedster racer in the universe"

"So what happened....whats with the 'well you know' comment?" Ed pressed

Lucky began to walk off down the road ahead of the others.

Navas watched Luckys back as it moved further down the road "I think you had better ask him yourself......Mr President. Are you really the President?.....you look....well you look like a hairless monkey"

..........................................................................................................................................................................
Ty Personal Note: Speedster races & Lucky Froo

Speedster racing has become the most watched sport in the Universe. Its viewing figures run into the trillions per race and vast sums are wagered on the outcome.

Speedsters are high powered very basic jet bikes.

Jetbikes are, in their simplest form, a seat mounted on a jet engine with small guiding fins (similar to a missile) and a complex computer guidance system that controls speed, steering and destination. This ultimatley prevents the rider killing themselves or, more importantly, others by preventing crashes. They travel 1ft off the opposing surface at all times (via molecular electron magnetics)and are capable of traveling in any direction providing there is a solid surface no more or less than 1ft from the bike.

Speedster racing was born from the infamous Pwacas endurance desert race. An enterprising entrant, The Great Gwurmani, decided to strip his jetbike down to its bear essentials and in the process removed the guidance system. By doing this The Great Gwurmani smashed the exhisting record (and several bones after careering into the catering tent at the finish line) by several hours. This fuelled a series of other competitors to follow suit, though not all were as successful. It soon became apparent that only those races with incredible reactions could actually pilot a speedster with any chance of success. The Mulagi (a race of three foot high rodents) dominated the sport for decades until the emergence of the Amorphian 'Lucky' Froo.
By the time Lucky Froo emerged on the scene Speedster racing had become immensley popular. The sport had progressed from largely flat straight outdoor tracks into Monolithic buildings covering ten square miles with vertical walls, upside down sections and some severe corners.
The race season is spread over fifteen circuits and less than fifty percent of the one hundred allowed entrants survive. Lucky Froo' domination of the sport was remarkable.
In his sixth season Lucky Froo was banned from the race circuits over allegations of throwing the championship. Whilst this was never conclussively proven it is widely believed he was involved with a betting syndicate and deliberatley threw the last races under the instructions of the Mob boss Oogar de Marla.
His career in tatters, Lucky Froo disappeared from public view. He reemerged ten years later as a bodyguard for the then President and ex race team owner Kaldon de Marla.

Ty Personal Note: Ends
.........................................................................................................................................................................

Mr President Part 8

2005-04-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

The sleek lines of the Double Cross appeared amidst the throng of ships. Almost as one, a thousand gun turrets swiveled to face the new arrival, the Ambassadorial palaces taking swift evasive action.
The ship was scanned, double scanned and triple scanned for lifeforms, robot assassins, anything that could harm the leaders of the many planets gathering in the orbit of Centauri Prime.
Finally satisfied the ship was empty the turrets returned to their usual facings.

..............................................................................................................................................................................
Tris scanners flitted across the newly revealed ship.....nothing. The orbiting super computer checked the immediate space for engine emissions but the sheer number of particles dissapating in the vicinity were too much for even Tris technology to trace back to their original crafts. Finally his databanks produced a match on the craft. The Double Cross, recently stolen, suspect 'Lucky' Froo. Tri pulled Luckys file from the Galactic Council security squad database.

'Lucky' Froo
Race: Amorphian
Height: Indeterminate
Appearance: Varied
Alleigance: None
Status: Renegade

Service History.
Deleted

Notable Achievements.
Deleted

Classification: Armed & Dangerous

Tri ran a trace on the file looking for whoever had deleted the information. He drew a blank, whoever had doctored the file had been an expert. What could they be hiding?

Tri searched through his vast archives for information on 'Lucky' Froo. He pulled the 'Presidential Assassination' file and read Luckys testimony and those from the other squad members. He looked for the personal files on the other members of the squad. All three were dead. One had, apparently, taken an overdose a week after the Presidents death. Another had drowned in a freak hovcraft accident over a lake and the third had been killed in a bungled robbery on his home. As a coincidence the deaths were unbelieveable. Tri started to delve into the pasts of the deceased Bodyguards and simultaneously examined all the data from the Presidents death searching for irregularities.
.........................................................................................................................................................................

The door opened. It was a big, solid, wood and glass door. It had an ornate, golden, art deco handle. A brown booted foot appeared, followed by a leg clad in green tights. Ed 'President of the Universe' Brown stepped onto the red carpet. He was met by thunderous applaudse and the blinding strobe effects of a thousand camera flashs. Eds hand came up to shield his eyes. Lucky stepped out behind him and wandered past him.
"come on boss lets get our bearings" Ed followed Lucky past the holographic crowd and paparazzi.
The Amorphian stood on the edge of the carpet. He looked around, it wasnt familiar. He looked up, above him the buildings towered into the distance and flocks of hovcrafts weaved amongst them.

"Damn" muttered Lucky "Boss we're in the wrong part of town".

"What do you mean the wrong part of town?"

"We're in the undercity, my estimated coordinates must have been slightly out. Come on we should get moving its not safe down here"

Lucky set off down the paved walkway at a reasonably fast pace, Ed followed on, the flashbulbs stopping as he stepped from the carpet.

A rabbit poked his head out from a bush, glanced at the now stilled holographic photographers and watched the retreating backs of Ed & Lucky. It twitched its little nose and bolted back into the dark.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Navas stepped into the shadows of a long abandoned doorway and peered down the walkway at the gathering. She was breathing hard, panting almost, as she tried to get air into her restricted lungs.
There were four of them, two were native Geramins like her, easily distinguished by their scaled skin and the slightly protruding bony crest that ran the entire length of their mottled green and yellow bodies. Of the other two, the hulking form of a Bullootah could be identified, the fourth figure was covered by a cloak and of average height and build for any number of races.
The palm blaster she held provided a bit of comfort, but what if they were armed?
"Don't be stupid" she muttered to herself "How could they afford weapons living down here? come on girl lets get this over with"
Steeling her resolve Navas went to step from the shadows. She managed to stop herself just in time as two other aliens walked right by her.

...."outside the Galactic Council before you can say whu thu fu" Ed mimicked "some bodyguard you are, its no wonder the last president opted to take a bullet".

Lucky span to face Ed, his arm shot out....it kept going, lifting Eddie by his neck and slamming him hard against the wall. Lucky stared into Eds eyes and for a moment Ed thought his days were over. Lucky lowered him back to the floor "never say that again boss, you have no idea how much it hurts"

"Yeah..... yeah, shit, sorry mate" Ed checked himself over"oh fuck it, you've laddered my tights"
Lifting his head Ed became aware of the four creatures that had wandered over. The big one....and he was big, in the same kind of way that a tank is big to a rifleman....carried a large piece of metal"

"Give us your money and no one gets hurt" The Bullootah demanded in a voice as deep as the grand canyon.

Lucky surveyed the scene and turned his head to meet the eyes of the Bullootah.

"I think you should move along pal before there IS somthing to see here" Lucky stated

"Lucky, dont anger the...urr...the urr.... man?" Lucky pleaded quizically .

"Dont worry boss everythin's under control"

The four assailants exchanged glances.

"Lucky just give him the damned money"

"Be a good boy and listen to your monkey" The Bullootah rumbled

"Hey do you have any idea who i am?" Ed asked and regretted instantly.

"Yeah Robin Hood by the looks of ya..........some of you rent boys have got no self respect left have ..."

The Bullootah began to splutter and choke on luckys 'hand' that had shot into his talking mouth. Another limb formed from his body and caught the metal bar the Bullootah dropped as the alien tried to tear the gloopy substance from blocking his mouth and nose.

The other three broke and ran for the nearest alleyway, sprinting into the relative safety of the enclosing darkness and the wide range of twisting and confusing exits. Lucky retracted his limb and the Bullootah dropped to the ground gasping for air.
Lucky dropped the bar on its head.
"Beat it kid" Lucky snarled
The Bullootah struggled to its feet and , as fast as it could, ambled into the shadows.

"Taste that? Who's the rent boy now mother fucker?" Ed shouted after him "Man that was awesome Lucky"

""Stay right where you are and Amorphian if you move i will blast you where you stand" came a raspy female voice from the shadows.

Slowly Ed and Lucky turned to face the darkness. Navas moved into the light her blaster trained on Lucky.

"Who are you" she demanded

"You're with the council?" Lucky replied his eyes taking in her unusual dress.

"Yeah now who are you?' Navas' eyes narrowed and she thrust the blaster out a little further as if to prompt the reply.

"I'm Lucky Froo, and this here" He gestured to the bruised faced Ed "is the new President of the Universe Edward Brown"

Mr President Part 7

2005-04-18T03:50:00.000-07:00

Mr President Part 6

2005-04-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

Ssakarass The Exalted, high priest, Sherriff and ruler of the Ssarth, slithered across the heated stone floor of his temple to the balcony. His serpentine body, clothed in the black fur trimmed, recently designated, robe of his office, coiled around a warmed rest column. His elongated head perched on the carved top, mottled reddy brown eyes surveying the gathered warriors below. The metallic shoulders grafted to his body, that held his cloak in place, each sported a telescopic, spindly but robust robotic arm which ended in a seven digited alloy hand.

The crowd cheered wildly as he took his place and the ritual chanting of his name thronged the square.
"Ssakarass, Ssakarass,Ssakarass"
Ssakarass gave a hissing chuckle, his metallic hand reaching to the clear glass bowl at his feet, scooping up a large live rodent. He popped it into his mouth and swallowed it down.

He raised his hands above his head and instantly the chanting ceased.
"Brotherssss" he hissed " the time isss near at hand, ssssoon we will make our move againsssst the counsssil crushing it in a sssssingle blow. Ssoruss, bring me the crown"

Four spherical creatures entered the room trailed by the whip weilding serpentine Ssoruss. The creatures resembled large heads on spindly legs with arms protruding from just above the ears. Between them they carried a jewel encrusted chest. Ssoruss whipped at them for good show as they made their way to his Leige.

The Chest was placed in front of Ssakarass and the creatures backed out of the room, their eyes permanently downcast. Ssoruss opened the chest with his robotic limbs and reverentially held aloft the snake headed skull cap. tiny l.e.ds winked on and off as the sensors inside neared the brainwaves of their owner. Slowly he lowered the cap onto the head of the waiting Ssakarass. The gathered crowd erupted into cheering once more.

A white film glazed the eyes of the Priest King as he merged with the circuitry, he fought for control, his mind exposed to the sheer enormity of Tris data banks and electronic thought patterns. The surpressors built into the crown whirred into life protecting their operator whilst connecting to the infiltrated program that would cede control of the powerful computer directly to Ssarkass.

Ssarkass felt like a god............so much knowledge........ for fun he turned Tris scanners towards his kingdom, drilling down, layer upon layer until he was watching himself on the balcony. He broke into a fangy grin. He observed his fangy grinning self and grinned wider, his forked tongue lolling out his mouth. He became aware of how undignified he looked, retracted his tongue snapped his mouth shut and pressed on with the matter at hand. He accessed the datafiles on E.Brown scanning for the notification that the President had arrived in the council and taken his seat. He followed Tris record log, he began to frown.

Ssoruss coiled the base of his body and arched the remainder of his back upright. He drank in the cheers and applause dreaming of the day he would seize the throne for himself. He turned his eyes to the grinning fool beside him and for just a moment an observer would have seen the contempt in them. Ssorus watched as Ssarkass became more serious faced then turned away to revel in the fantasy he hoped would soon become reality.

Ssarkass read and reread the file....how could this have happened where the hell was HIS President! An animalistic cry passed his lips, he snatched the crown from his head and slammed it into the face of Ssoruss. Uncoiling from his resting place he slithered angrily from the room.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty Note: The Ssarth

The Warlike Ssarth have only become a threat over the last thousand years. For Millenia they dwelt in the jungles of the planet Ssakan (previously Hawoowan) living on wild animals and unwary travellers. The race are extremely warlike congregating in large groups collectively known as a constrict.
Their planet is shared by the more peaceful and rotund race named Hawas. Hawas are exceptionally gifted when it comes to technology and for centuries after the two races encountered each other the Hawas maintained their seperate and peaceful exhistance by utilising technology to keep their races apart. During the third intergalactic war Hawoowan (as it was then) was invaded by the Bullootah, a race of large powerful creatures that resemble bipedal Rhinocerai. The Passive Hawas were in danger of being overrun and in desperation struck a treaty with the Ssakan. In return for their aid the Hawas would use their knowledge to graft cyber limbs onto the serpents enabling them to wield weapons. The Ssakan destroyed the Bullootah in a series of vicious battles fought deep in their jungles. They then turned on the Hawas enslaving them and forcing them to create technological aids for the diabolical schemes of the expanding Ssakan empire.

Due to their continued aggression the Ssakan were placed under strict sanctioning from the Galactic council and a permanent starship blockade is in place to destroy any lifeform attempting to get in or out of their empire.

Ty Note Ends
........................................................................................................................................

Ed stood in front of the mirrored panel and placed the cap on his head, he sighed as he buckled the brown belt around his waist.
"why am i doing this" he asked of the empty living quarters he'd opted to change in.
Turning side on he let out a despairing cry as it became evident how badly his stomach was hanging over the belt. "oh man " he said to the world in general "its bad enough i have to wear tights but this tunic is too much. I look like a gay dogs humping tree....theres got to be another way."

"Please dont be alarmed" Nis voice echoed through Eds skull.

"nooooo not you again....dont be alarmed! you're inside my bloody head what do you think im going to be"

"Im sorry Mr Brown but i need to speak with you"

"Ok but in future give me some warning alright"

"And what would you prefer? a ringing bell? a loud knock? maybe a polite cough"

"Theres no need to be sarcastic....i thought you were a computer"

"I am a computer, but a computer that is an Artificial (supposedly), Intelligent Lifeform. I am capable of simulating any organic trait"

"okay okay, what are you after?"

"I am trying to save your life, it is why i had Lucky pick you up and bring you here. I am, Mr Brown, your only hope of getting out of here alive"
Inside Eds head Thunder crashed, the pounding of the rain intensified and a crackle of lightning echoed noisily.

"ow goddammit cut that out, i dont need the sound effects"

"Oh sorry, i thought it would, well you know, add to the whole ambience and reinforce my statement. It is a trick used by many of your film directors"

"Im aware of that, but trust me, i dont need the fact that i am in danger of being killed to be reinforced. I am, oddly enough, quite partial to not being killed. In fact if i were to draw up a list of things to do today i would have to be pretty bloody far down it before 'get myself killed' cropped up...do you get my drift Hal"

"My name is Ni not Hal, and yes i get your 'drift' Mr Brown. I do not have much time, it is complicated to explain but in order to talk with you i have to use a battery cell. It recharges quickly but communicating takes a lot of power. So please listen and try not to interrupt".

"ok get it over with and then get out of my head"

" Tri, one of the three computers that make up the TriNiTy has gone insane, he plans to place you as a puppet president and use the power to take over the universe. He is holding myself and Ty hostage so that we cannot interfere. At present he believes you are missing. If he discovers you are here and acting alone he will kill you. If he discovers you have communicated with me he will destroy us both. You must get to Centauri Prime and inform the council, they should have a deactivation code for TriNiTy. We need deactivating and repairing before being switched back on. Do you understand?"

"Well its hardly rocket science i think i get the idea"

"Actually some of it will be rocket science, but thankfully we wont be relying upon a species recently filed as 'interesting monkey development' in order to carry it out"

"Hey, im your bloody president"

"No Mr Brown, I am part of TriNiTy a member of the G.O.D. you are not my President you are merely a lesser lifeform falsely promoted into a position of power. I am trying to save the world you are just a moron. Make sure it gets done"

Eds head went quiet

"And Fuck you too pal" he screamed at the empty air.

Mr President Part 5

2005-04-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

Ni prepared for another static dump, it was his second in a short space of time and he was hoping they were so routine no one would notice.
Static build up was a major concern within TriNiTy. The complex machines had many moving parts keeping them in orbit and between them, the circuitry and no where to earth, static built and became a danger to the delicate processors powering the 'brain' of the A.L.F.I.E.s .
Static dumping was achieved by jettisoning a small metal sphere and arcing the built up static across space to the discharged ball where it would drift off into the greater cosmos.

Ni.RP5, one of a team of repairbots,powered its magnetic tracks towards Nis air lock, carrying the modified sphere. Under the guidance of Ni, the bots had spent the time since Tris coup creating this complex, minute , transmitter/reciever.

The Prototype had been tested with the last dump, and had enabled Ni to communicate directly with the Human, the broadcasts encrypted and hidden in the static discharges. In the ten minutes since the test a few modifications had taken place. One involved a sentient chip, this gave the sphere a small part of Nis personality and imprinted his thought patterns. This would allow the sphere, that had been named miNi, to communicate as though it were Ni himself guiding the Human along the appropriate course of action. The second ammendment had been the addition of a minute thruster and the third a tiny suction clamp.

Ni.RP5 sat and waited, the airlock was open now and all that remained was for Ni to turn towards Tri. miNi was to be jettisoned at Tri, it would manouvere and clamp onto the hull by Tris main transmitter. From here it could attach communications to Tris already sent messages, effectively stopping Tri from monitoring the broadcasts. Communication back to Ni would be done under cover when Tri Static dumped.
Slowly Tri came into view

Ni monitored the jettison as he sifted through the latest earth entertainment broadcasts and thought to himself............ smarter than the average bear

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ed stood on the bridge, naked from the waist up and the ankles down, staring at the blue/green mass the Double cross currently orbited. Lucky, transformed back into his hulking human '007' persona to make Ed feel more at ease, scanned the human with a hand held measurement device.
"The measurements would be easier if you removed the trousers boss"
"Forget it Lucky, i dont care what you say i am not standing in my underwear with a creature that oozes sperm trying to take my inside leg measurement. I maybe out of my universe, but i am not out of my mind"
"so you say, President 'head for a doorjam' "muttered Lucky as he scanned around Eds body.
"what did you say?"
"nothing boss, speaking measurements out loud thats all"
"What is the current fashion for the civilized universe?"
"Well Mr President, it varies depending upon species, the current style for the bipeds is a green tunic, worn with green shorts, green tights, brown boots and a jaunty green hat with a feather in it"
"Robin hood....The Galactic council, Representatives of the known space faring world, Ambassadors of the Universe.....dress up like Robin bloody Hood to have meetings?"

"Absoloutley, they like what the image portrays to the common lifeform. In all fairness, the Leader of the Ssarth, the outlawed and most destructive race in exhistance has taken to wearing the outfit of the Sherrif of Nottingham.......I did tell you that your earth programmes were highly influential. The late President believed quite vehemently in the power of imagery. Ironically when he was shot he was wearing his superman outfit".

"What is wrong with you people? I cant believe any of this, its like being back in kindergarten. You are supposedly supreme beings with technology far in advance of our own and yet you are still running around playing at childish fantasies"

"Boss, you need to understand that the technology we have is awesome. Our Industrial revolution makes yours akin to running into that guy with 'the end is nigh' written on a sandwich board. We have embraced automation, Organic labour is rarely utilised and is in fact against the organic rights act."

"what has this to do with Robin Hood outfits?"

"while Automation and technology have meant we seldom have to work it has created another problem.....a Universal problem in fact. We are bored Ed....very very bored. This is why TriNiTy discovering Earths broadcasts has been so life changing and why we embrace so many of your programs"

"Are you telling me that you had no entertainment before you discovered Television?"

"of course not, we had, still do have, music. Casinos....we have some excellent casinos. Clubs, bars, amusements, video games. We have all of these things......It is just that tv and radio broadcasting....well that was always for military functions. It just never occured to anyone to create scenarios and act them out".

"do you not have theatres?"

"we do now, though hardly anyone goes everyone stays in watching TV"

"but how do you survive? surely you are just wasting away....there is so much to see how can the entire universe be so jaded in its belief that there is nothing to do?"

"We are bored Ed....you would not understand. I have wet the head of a birthing star, as we say, been present at its creation, watching from a SurfViewer". Lucky noted Eds blank expression "A ship heavily protected and designed to ride the solar flares pushed out by the creation of a star. Shit, by the time i came of age i had stayed on the pleasure planet Vibro, wrestled with the naked vixens of Ulerran, eaten at the 'to die for' restaurant and been recloned at the 'morning after' club....when i say we are bored i do not say it lightly. Machines do everything for us, some races have even given up walking......Your broadcasts could not have reached us at a worst time, they were all that was required to send the races into an almost catatonic state".

"what about your scholars, you mentioned before that you had universities".

"We once had fantastic universities" Lucky sighed heavily "now what we have are big unused libraries where students pursue worthless qualifications....you will not believe this but one university is even offering a degree in Klingon....I mean Klingon for brunks sake, a completely fictitious language from a backward planet....no offence...have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?"

The welts on Eds face turned a deeper shade of crimson as he replied embaressedly "we have those too.....So are my tights ready then?"

Mr President Part 4

2005-04-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

Tri pulsed another deep scan towards the earth, it had been 37 minutes since he sent his first email to earth and in that short time his plan had fallen to pieces.

Convincing the council to vote the Earthman into Presidency had been easy.
The fools had depended on the wisdom of TriNiTy for so long selection had become routine. Yes, they had asked if this unusual selection was the decision of the TriNiTy, Tri had simply replied that three votes were cast in favour and the Council had grumbled but agreed.
Now, however, he had a missing President and no leads.
His circuits analysed and re-analysed the data coming from the scans. There was a slight trace of propulsion matter dissipating immediately outside the Earths atmosphere, but did that mean anything? Could Edward Brown simply be in a room where his scanners failed to penetrate. He ran a universal simulation, charting the movements of the planets at the estimated time that the propulsion matter appeared. They had been in hyperspace alignment for over three hundred planetary destinations! could someone....no it was too ludicrous a thought, no one would dare to kidnap the PoU....would they?
.........................................................................................................................................................................
Ty Personal Note: Hyperspace Drives
A Hyperspace drive is a propulsion unit capable of propelling a craft at speeds of upto (currently) three hundred times the speed of light.
The use of a Hyperspace drive is an exact science. It is imperative that all planets that stand in the path from point a to point b are in, what is classed as, alignment. This means that they are as far away in their orbit from the path the ship is to take. It may take hundreds if not thousands of years for the right path to open up if the pilot is attempting a long jump.

A recent innovation the 'stitch' drive allows a skilled pilot to 'tack' together several small hyperspace jumps, timing is of the essence (and usually left to the onboard computer, though some races have the ability to 'wildride' these) as one planet in the wrong phase of its orbit will have catastrophic consequences. The Tack drive has dramatically cut travel time, allowing pilots to take convoluted routes to arrive at their destination rather than waiting for the right alignment.

A new Prototype drive was recently field tested. It utilises the technology of a stitch drive with the capabilities of a molecular matter transporter(MMT). As ships contains organic lifeforms it was impracticle to reduce the ship into molecular components and reassemble them (see log file ref:3ew5ys - Molecular Organic lifeform matter transfer issues - 'like a frog in a blender syndrome' ). The solution is a new alloy called mercsteel and an alteration to the MMT.
Mercsteel is a metal that can change between liquid and solid states without a rise in temperature. The states are dictated by computer controlled electronic pulses and the metal is able to stretch out to a one atom thick strand if required . Modifications have been made to a normal MMT, rather than breaking the matter down into molecules it sends as one piece but delays the transmission at an atomic level so the matter is transmitted as an elongated mass. As the transmission beam is only atom wide the ship can travel a lot closer to planets with the stitch drive allowing the pilot to bend the course of the ship around planets in order to reduce travel time. In fact the whole system is so efficient that intergalactic travel takes little to no time at all.
As the organic matter is not physically broken down just altered out of shape at an atomic level there appears to be no issues regarding the transfer of organic matter in this way.

Xoloch the chief test pilot from the Defence force of the Federated Universe (F.U.) had this to say upon return from the test mission.
"Wow that was some trip, Its over so fast but the colours.....woah the colours.....I just felt like i was falling and then i was back here.....awesome, i gotta get me one of these"

The test vessel - Double Cross - has disappeared from its holding bay at the research centre on Potus. Federal Authorities are seeking the ex presidential bodyguard & one time Speedster champion 'Lucky' Froo in connection with the disappearance.

Ty Personal Note Ends:
.........................................................................................................................................................................

Ed walked over to the nimnim constructor built into the wall by the door on the bridge of the 'Double Cross'.

"so this thing can recreate anything that will fit within its space?"

"Yeah boss its a smart piece of kit....them boys in nimnim sure know a thing or two"

Ed eyed the machine "anything?" he asked again

"yup anything"

"give me a cup of coffee" the hatch slid open and the scent of freshly brewed coffee permeated the bridge. Eds hand grabbed the handle and he bought the coffee to his lips, blowing on it as he stared at the machine.

"Anything hey....hmmm.....toasted marshmallows" The hatch slid open once more, pink fluffy marshmallows oozed over the once clean metallic plate

"dont forget to ask for a dish" shouted lucky from the other end of the room "they can be a bugger to clean, get me some water will you the air con in here is drying me out"

Ed looked into the hatch.....closed it......reopened it hoping to see a shiny clean metallic plate, he was met with a view of pink goo "ummmm yeah right....water you say?"

Water ran onto the goo and dribbled down the wall onto the floor. Ed slammed the hatch closed and threw his back against the machine.

"any chance of that water Boss?"

"Just getting it Lucky......you never did tell me about the voice in my head....who exactly was that?" Ed asked, hoping to distract Lucky. His eyes scanning the empty room hoping to find a cleaning implement of some kind.

"The 2000 in your head has been specially tuned to recieve data directly from Ni one of the TriNiTy that directs the Galactic Council on their decision making"

"uhuh" Ed replied trying to sound interested as he placed his coffee cup on the floor , unbuttoned his shirt and began frantically mopping at the water "This Ni fellow i take it hes like an advisor to the president?'

"Kind of Sir, but Ni isnt a fellow hes a computer...what we call an A.L.F.I.E., an Artificial Life Form Intelligent Entity. The three of them have been advising the council for nearly two thousand years now i believe...though i could be wrong history was never my strong point"

"Do all Presidents have a direct line to what did you call it? Trinity?" asked Ed as he scooped the mushy pink marshmallow from the machine with his fine italian cotton shirt.

"Trinity, thats right Boss. Not a direct line as such......Ni asked me to come and get you, he thinks you are in danger....i'm not sure whats going on but from what i can make out theres trouble brewing between Tri,Ni & Ty".

"Danger? from who? " Ed asked a hint of concern in his voice as he stuffed the shirt into the Constructor and closed the hatch.

"Ni never said, but having lost one President i'm damned sure it aint gonna happen again"

Ed relifted the hatch, the shirt had disappeared just as the cloth had earlier "So where is this Trinity hanging out?"

"Orbiting Centauri Prime boss, just like us"

Eds jaw dropped, he began to move towards Lucky. His foot came down on the cup containing his coffee, the hot liquid poured out scalding the sole of his foot. "Shit, shit ,shit" He yelled as he hopped across the floor grasping his burnt foot and trying to blow on it.

"I know its a pickle isnt it sir, i mean how do we get you down there without the TriNiTy seeing us" Said lucky staring out at the glimmers of light reflecting off the orbiting trio

Appologies

2005-04-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

Blogger has been a pain recently, not letting me log in and post things.... also stealing and not returning a post i was working on....the cheeky minx, bless its little heart.

Consequently i have had a bit of an enthusiasm dip in my writing but hopefully this will return today.
Not sure when i will get a proper post up but i hope by the end of the week.

Mr President Part 3

2005-04-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

After a few minutes Ed stopped laughing, he panted trying to catch his breath. When fully recovered from his hysteria he once more looked around the room and took stock of the situation. The voice in his head had stopped talking, which was a big plus. It had been so strange hearing the voice, knowing that it was coming from within......what could it have been?......'maybe i have a direct line to God' he thought....He snorted derisevly. Edward Brown had been an aethiest since the age of nine......

The young Edward Brown had grown up in one of those idyllic leafy London suburbs. The kind mere non londoners can only ever find in Ealing comedies. His parents had sent him to boarding school from the age of five, consequently any time at his parents home was seen as a treat and remembered with a hazy 'always sunny' fondness. However, it also meant he knew none of the other children in the locality, having never had the time to spend meeting them. His first real friend at home had been the scruffy stray cat Hugh.
Hugh was an odd looking animal, his face was scarred, his ears battered and torn, maybe from fighting or maybe from shoving his head into empty tin cans as the poor animal eked out a living prior to being adopted by the Brown family. He was slender from the front but got progressively wider towards the back....hence the name Eds father had devised Hugh Butt. Ed hadn't got the joke till years later.

Eds house had backed onto a common, and in the lazy summer days the men folk would gather and indulge in a spot of cricket. On the day in question the Reverend Brian Moffatt stood at the crease. He was an easily distinguishable figure on the field still dressed in black the only 'whites' on display were the pads on his legs, the gloves on his hand and the tiny dog collar over his thoat. His bat tap,tap,tapped on the line of the crease, his eyes fixed and his mind focussed on Albert 'Bullet' Horton the fastest bowler in the local team. Such was the Reverend Moffatts focus that his mind screened out the 'yap yap yapping' of Mizzy a feisty Jack Russell bitch that lived in the local Public house. Such was his attention that he did not see Hugh burst from the bushes Mizzy hot on his heels followed by a pleading and demanding Edward.

Albert 'Bullet' Horton reached the crease. His right arm, almost perfectly straight,span past his ear in a blur. His fingers released the ball at the optimum moment, he watched it speed true towards the centre stump. He saw a furry blur cutting in front of the crease.

Reverend Moffatt Drew back the bat and swung at the incoming red leather ball. There was a sickening thud and a cut off animal yell followed by the sound of leather hitting willow and a cry of 'Owzattttttt' from the Wicket keeper behind him.

Ed stared in horror as Hughs small body hurtled through the air towards the boundry, pursued by the ever yapping Mizzy.

Ed shook his head, and cleared the disturbing image from his mind. He pushed himself to his feet and walked purposfuly into the corridor. Enough was enough.....

The metal walkway was uncomfortably cold on his bare feet and did little to calm his enraged mind. He had no idea where he was but he was damn well going home.
The corridor ended abruptly at a large metal door. There was a panel similar to the one in the previous room "open" Ed demanded
"access denied" came a soft computerised voice
Eds fists beat against the metal doorway "open the goddamn door"
"access denied"
A slurping noise, similar to a wash basin emptying, came from behind the metal barrier. A moment later the portal opened.

Ed looked past the door, across a sparse room with a central computer console and gazed in awe at the universe spread out before the window......window it sounded such a feeble word to convey this opening onto an intergalactic view.
Lucky stood at the console "Hell of a view aint it Boss"
"We are really in space arent we......its so beautiful" Ed uttered almost unaware that he was speaking at all
"get used to it, after all you're running the show around here Mr President"
Ed suddenly felt very small, very insignificant, very inadequate......and, oddly,very under dressed.
He stepped into the room. The door whooshed closed behind him. His feet were standing on another padded floor, this time though the room was a dark grey. Lights flashed in various sequences on the control panel. The floor rose up around lucky and moulded itself into a chair. Lucky sat.
"We need to make the jump into hyperspace Sir, 30 seconds and counting. I suggest you take a seat"
"What? No! you are taking me home"
"Home Mr President? Certainly Sir.....You know im a loyal servant sir, i could never disobey an order so before you work this out im truly sorry Mr President" Lucky clicked his seatbelt on and pressed a button.

What happened next Ed would have enjoyed immensley, he would have marveled at the beauty and magnificence of it, except what happened next to Ed stopped him from witnessing it.

The stars outside the window met up forming a central brightness directly in the middle of the 'window'. Streams of light flowed outwards encompassing the entire craft, the light pulsed with all the colours of the rainbow and some the human eye was never designed to witness. they swirled inwards once more like a kaleidoscope. It stopped abruptly. The really observant people in the world would note that the stars now on display outside the window were not in the same place as they were before. Those with a degree in astro navigation would note that they were not, in fact, the same stars at all.

Ed watched Luckys hand move towards the button. He flew backwards hitting the wall, the air was forced from his lungs and the wall seemed to envelope him completely, yet still he felt as though he was falling. He struggled to breathe. Suddenly the wall appeared to spit him out, his lungs filled with the air as he shot through it only to be knocked empty again as he thudded into the undeniably solid window. His body dropped to the floor. Ed groaned

Eds body ached, it had been a very long day, one that seemed to consist of Edward Browns body taking a beating. For the second time that day Ed wished he was dead.

"Are you okay Sir?" Luckys voice rumbled over the ground to Eds ears.
Ed rose unsteadily to his feet and advanced on the hulking driver.
"Okay? Okay! I havent bloody been bloody okay since i had the misfortune of meeting you" Ed poked Lucky to emphasise the point. His finger slid off and was once more covered in a gloopy residue."and what the fuck is this stuff?" Ed rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger, lifting it to his nose he sniffed at it, it smelt salty.
"Thats a little tricky to explain boss"
"just tell me"
"I really need to show you somthing first"
"Then show me.....and i hope to god this isnt like the day i used the public urinals on Hampstead Heath"
The reference passed Lucky by.
"you may need a seat sir"
"what?"
"Trust me boss you are gonna wanna sit down"
The ground swelled up around Ed easing him off the floor and reshaping itself until he was sat opposite lucky.
"Now please Mr President dont freak out or go nuts on me, I know this will be a little odd for you"
"Lucky, Im god knows where in the Universe, how can this be any stranger?"
"I am hoping that G.O.D. has no idea where you are right now boss but i'll explain that later" Lucky began to ripple and flow, not the fast fluid rippling of water more the heavy slow rippling of molten chocolate in a chocolate fountain. The colour drained from his suit and he melted into a large amorphous, clear, blue tinged blob. A slurping noise accompanied the whole spectacle.
A moment before Eds face had been a riot of colour, his usually pinkish complexion had been a mixture of black, blue and red welts, now however, he was white.
"whu thu fu"
"yes i know its a little odd but please try to get used to it Sir. You are President of the Universe.....believe me i am one of the more aesthetically pleasing Aliens you are going to encounter"
"whu the fu" Ed managed again
"I am what is known as an Amorpheon, a chameleonic gelatinous life form. I am a , particularly fine i like to think, example of a Male of the species. Many find it hard to believe that we are not hermaphrodites but i assure you we most certainly arent"

Ed shook his head, he still didn't appear overly pleased with the latest developments but at least he was now able to look directly at Lucky without his mouth hanging open.
"So...so how do you.......you know.....mate?" he found himself asking and regretting almost simultaneously.
"Its not easy Boss i tell ya, I mean first off the females look exactly like the males in their natural state. Then theres the fact that they can change shape and colour at will. One minute you're chasing one into the bushes....the next minute you're standing alone in the bushes"
Eds curiosity was well and truly piqued, it was the same kind of curiosity that makes drunken farmhands urinate on electric fences "Well how do you do it?"

"We have evolved" Lucky stated with some pride " the females can get pregnant by the slightest contact with a Males body. Us Males constantly secrete sperm....in much the same way as you sweat"

Ed looked at the gloopy residue smeared over his hand "oh man that is fucking disgusting" he held his hand as far away from the rest of him as he could.

"yeah but its off set by the permanent orgasm our brains experiencing, i think its bloody brilliant personally"

Ed wiped is fingers on what passed for the chair, it did little to lessen his horror, or indeed clean his fingers.
"Lucky, I need a cloth"
"i'll get you one"
"NO....its ok i'll get my own, where are they?"
"Go to the intercom and ask for one Mr President"
Ed walked back over to the dimpled panel by the door, his arm stretched out in front of him like a bad zombie movie
"can i have a cloth please" he asked patheticaly
A small panel slid open in front of him, a gleaming white cloth lay on a shiny metallic shelf. Ed quickly cleaned his fingers and left the cloth in the machine. He walked back to his chair and slumped down.
"what is going on Lucky?.....I mean really what is going on....why am i the president of the universe? what was the voice i heard in my head?"
"ahhh the voice"
"You know about the voice?"
"I guess its time i levelled with ya boss"
"you what"
"hey hey calm down, it was necessary surgery"
"surgery!" Ed sat bolt upright, he went to grab Lucky, thought better of it and just sat there staring angrily as the veins popped out on his neck "What do you mean surgery?"
"I had to implant a comms device" part of Lucky flowed into a hand that wavered in front of Eds face as he went to speak "It was necessary, without it you wouldn't be able to communicate with the council"
"you could have asked me"
"I couldnt, you were unconcious at the time, besides it was only minor surgery"
"Are you telling me you have planted some kind of radio in my head?"
"Kind of, but its a lot smarter than a radio sir, it's a nimnim 2000"
"a what?"
"oh of course you are from that backward planet you dont have nimnim enterprises yet. A nimnim 2000 is the ultimate communications device and translator.....man people would kill you just to get their hands on one, there are only two thousand in the universe hence the name"
"Oh great, just what i need a device implanted in my head that people will happily kill for....aint that just bloody marvelous....Gee Lucky, what a great way to round off my day..... You idiot, what the hell did you put it in my head for?"
"your feet dont hear to well boss"
"If the result wasnt so vile id punch you in the face"
"hey dont be so ungrateful, it wasnt easy to get my hands on one i can tell you, he didn't want to give it up"
"are you implying this things 'used'?"
"Like i said boss theres only two thousand in the universe, they dont grow on trees you know"
"ohhhh goddddd take it out, take it out, take it out" Eds hands once again scrabbled at his head.
"relax Mr President sir its perfectly safe, i sterilised it myself"
"ohhhh nooooooooo"
"honestly its clean, look the nimnim2000 not only translates information but it allows non telepathic races to communicate with the telepathic ones, it will give you a terrific edge in the council. Furthermore, it translates what you say, and filters it into the exact language of all the people within earshot. It also does the same thing in reverse allowing you to understand over five billion languages and dialects"
Ed sighed heavily "i just want to go home, i want a hot cup of coffe, a hot bath and a bottle of vodka......not necessarily in that order"
"We are home Sir, currently we are in a cloaked orbit around Centauri Prime"
"You are pulling my plonker"
"sorry Sir?"
"having a laugh....taking the piss.....Centauri Prime.....its out of Babylon 5 a Television .....
"show back on earth sir....yes i am aware of this. Earth programmes are highly sought after and very influential in the Galaxy. As technologically advanced as the major races are, the idea of recording events for entertainment completely passed us by. Some scholars believe it is for exactly this reason we managed to achieve so much, others say the reason it passed us by was due to a lack of suitable snack food.....indeed a debate still rages in one of the most prominent universities "which came first the cinema or the popcorn"
"are you telling me the whole universe is watching reruns of the golden girls?"
"fumsuka! we do have some taste"
"i take it thats a no then"
"Look Mr president until seven years ago Centauri Prime was actually called Beaumelian, the word itself is steeped in history, it is believed to come from the ancient tongue and means 'playground of the gods' The name was changed at the whim of the last President. He gave us the choice Centauri Prime or G.O.D.zilla"
"What happened to the last President?"
Lucky looked down at the floor. Ed had no idea as in his natural state Lucky didnt appear to have eyes. "He was, unfortunatley, assassinated"
"assassinated"
"sadly Sir, yes.....I did try to save him, i followed the book to the letter. I saw the gunman, grabbed the president and threw us both into the bushes......that is when i learnt that the book isnt always right........you see the book doesnt account for the bodyguard being made of jelly and the projectile passed right through me hitting the president square between the eyes........i was inconsolable.....Thats how i got the nickname Lucky."
"oh one of those ironic nicknames........great"
"no Sir not at all. It wasn't till after the funeral i discovered id got lucky and one of the bushes was pregnant"
Ed began to laugh
"Im serious Sir, turned out to be the saddest and happiest day of my life"
Tears began to well in Edwards eyes as he slid down the chair, his fists pounded weakly on the floor as he tried to surpress the laughter that was ripping through his body.
"I have a baby Amorheon now" Lucky pressed "A gloopy baby boy"

Mr President Part 2

2005-04-04T02:52:00.000-07:00

The door slid open onto a vast white walled entrance hall, dwarfing the semicircular desk with its raven haired seductress.
Ed stepped out of the lift. Italian shoes echoed loudly on the black marble floor as he walked towards reception.
From the waiting area, previously hidden by a strategically placed wall, a giant of a man unfolded from the leather sofa. Ed stopped and stared, the man must have been over 7ft tall and possibly just as wide. Dressed in a black tuxedo, complete with bowtie and cumperbund, the drivers body seemed to absorb the light around him forcing the eye to his shiny bald pate. Ed looked deliberatley at the mans jacket, it was darker than black and it seemed to shift under his gaze, before long he found himself staring once more at the top of this giants head.

"Edward Brown?" the driver enquired his deep voice vibrating the marble.

"urrr yeah thats me"

"sorry Im late sir I was in the casino, i wasnt expecting to be on duty today.....I'm glad you're still here"

"late? "

"yes sir, i was supposed to arrive at exactly the same time as the email i'm afraid.....I'm terribly sorry for the delay, it wont happen again but i do suffer with the timezone changes somthing terrible"

"urrr ok....dont worry about it"

"the cars outside Sir, shall i lead the way?"

"where are we going exactly?"

"i'll explain on the way Sir, its sensitive information" He tapped the side of his nose with a sausage sized finger and walked towards the door.

"Bye Edward" Breathed Emily, in the husky voice she usually reserved for the rich and married.
"yeah bye" Edward muttered as his mind swarmed with possibilities....it had to be a joke....probably Dave from his old rugby club, he was always playing elaborate jokes and this driver would make one hell of a Prop. He followed behind and passed through the door as the driver held it open.

"do you have a name?"

"yes sir, the boys in the office call me 'lucky' " He bent down and opened the door of the Limousine. It was a lengthy vehicle with completely blacked out windows, flanked by a motorcycle riding policeman at each corner. They sat silently , their heads moving slowly from side to side as they scanned the area through mirrored sunglasses.

"Lucky....that sounds reasurring" Ed ducked and climbed into the presidential vehicle. Inside he stood up, his mouth dropped open, it was too big.....much to big.... he turned and went to climb out. The door slammed into his face, squashing his nose across the side window. Panicked he grasped at the handle and pushed on the door.
Eds foot caught on the doorsill, he flew forward, his fingers attempted to clutch at Luckys legs as hie eyes passed by, they failed to get a grip on the material, sliding straight off they came away covered in a thin,clear, gloopy film. Eds head cracked against the pavement.
Lucky gazed down at the President as he fell onto the floor at his feet. "are you alright Sir?"

The Police outriders, as one, dismounted and formed a screen around Ed & Lucky.

Lucky lent down, a small silver tube appeared in his hand "i told em this wouldnt be easy' he muttered.
Ed looked up, a bruise swiftly developing above his right eye. The tube pressed against his forehead.
..........................................................................................................................................................................

bing!
bing!

Two emails arrived on Eds computer screen. If anyone had been there to glance at the screen they would have seen

From: Michelle Hanson Subject:GET TO MY OFFICE NOW! Date: Fri/07/2008
From: G.O.D. Subject:Car delayed - Bad weather at Pluto Date: Fri/07/2008

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Eds brown eyes flickered open, his head swam and the room seemed to lurch. Slowly he eased himself into a sitting position and looked around the room.
He was sat on a white bed, the sides of which were slightly raised. The room was white.....and empty....It was lit by an apparently natural glow but there was no obvious source of light.
His finger absently toyed with a newly discovered hole in the knee area of his suit trousers.....a hole.....dammit...his head turned sharply.....there was no sign of his jacket.

Ed exploded.

"where the fuck is my jacket?" he yelled at the empty room "this is a fucking Armani suit....Dave, you, are a wanker.......... and..... im going to kill you'.

He sprang over the lip of the bed and landed on a softly padded floor, it was at this point he realised his designer italian shoes were missing. Another four letter tirade followed.

Ed looked around again, it wasnt only the floor that was padded the whole room including the walls and ceiling were of the same padded material. Spying a small panel and what could be a door outline on the otherwise featureless wall he crossed the room searching for the exit.

The panel was white and flush against the wall, you could only tell it was there because of the darker indents that reminded Ed of the surface of a golf ball. He pressed it.........nothing happened....he thumped it.....still nothing happened.
"For Fucks sake how do you open this thing?" he yelled in frustration.
The door slid silently aside.
"ooh clever" he said sarcasticaly "close" the door slid closed. "open" the door opened.
Ed stuck his head through the doorway. It opened onto a dark metallic looking corridor. There were no windows and it appeared to be lit by the same mysterious glow.
"where on earth am i?" He wondered aloud
"Actually you are not on earth. Currently you are about five thousand miles from earth preparing for a hyperspace jump" came the reply directly inside his head.
Ed jumped....then clutched at his head and began to scream.
"Calm down Mr Brown.....or should i call you President?" Came the voice of Ni "There is much i need to tell you"
Ed placed his head against the door frame. "Close" he yelled...the door slammed into his head.
"Mr President, please dont".....
"open"........
" be alarmed"
"Close"
"I was really"......
"Open".........
"hoping you would take this a lot better"
"close".....
"than you are"
"open"
"Edward, this is not helping"
"close" the door did not move
"close dammit"
"Edward I have disabled the door"
"aaarrrrgggghhhh" Edward turned and ran towards the far wall, head down. The soft covering enveloped his head and he sank to his knees sobbing.
"Edward please, it is very important that you listen to me, not everything is as it seems"

Edward Brown, 32 years of age,barefoot, wearing a blue cotton shirt and navy blue Armani suit trousers, with a hole in the knee,turned and leant his back against the soft covered wall. Tears of frustration were still drying on his, now heavily bruised, face, when he began to laugh.....not the polite laugh one usually uses at a dinner party, or even the guffawing laff utilised by a man with other men in a public house after many many ales and a tale about the barmaid....but the kind of laugh which you associate with a white padded room.....which was rather appropriate one might think....and, indeed, Ni, being one, did.
........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty:Personal Note

It appears that Ni is able to communicate directly with President Edward Brown. I am scanning all data transmissions, he must be encrypting the messages and piggy backing them as Tri seems unaware. There is also an anomoly regarding the vehicle sent to pick up the President. The official transport has only just reached Earth. At present I believe the President of the Universe has been Kidnapped by a person or persons unknown.

Ty:End Personal Note

Mr President

2005-04-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

The Universe is big

Thats a vast understatement, the Universe is huge

I think big conveys the meaning

Depends what you are comparing it too Ni

I am not comparing Ty, merely stating that it is big

Bzzzzzzztttttt.....small plumes of smoke emitted from two of the three foreign bodies orbiting the planet Centrus Prime.

"Ow dammit Tri you fried my long range image intensifier, that will take months for my service bots to fix"

"unit my scrambled you comms have"

"Well be quiet, you are interrupting my processes with your endless chatter. We are the supreme presence in the universe yet you bicker like fishwives"

Dear Earthlings....thats what you like to be called i believe when dealing with 'aliens'..... you are under surveilence by the three most intelligent 'beings' in the universe Tri, Ni, Ty.
I am Tri, the current .....Leader........of the Galactic Omnipotent Deployment. It is our purpose to monitor the Universe and record all events from inhabited planets. With this knowledge We advise the Galactic Council on all issues, ranging from the selection of the PoU, defence strategies, transport development down to this years colour schemes and fashions.....it would not do to have the President of the Universe seen in pink lycra when it is evident the purple grunch-bag is back in style.......

"Tri! what are you doing? are you composing a letter? why are you so obsessed with that tiny planet what is the point?. Its only redeeming feature is the endless hours of broadcasts it is unknowingly beaming all over the universe?"

"Be quiet Ni, i didnt interrupt when you ran the G.O.D."

"But your obsession is unhealthy, how can you spend so long on just one planet, especially one that has not even managed to drag itself out of its own solar system? what were you doing before that? can you recall or have you been orbitting too near to the sun?"

"when you were in charge i busied myself with analyzing dust"

"dust?"

"yes dust"

'for 700 years?"

"there's a lot of it"

"Im worried about you Tri, since you seized.... became our leader.....you have been acting a little odd.. bzzzzztttttt.....another plume of smoke dispersed into space from the supercomputer Ni

"Ow dammit Tri, stop that"

"Call me Sir"

"Why?"

bzzzzzztttt....."owwwwww dammit will you stop that"....bzzzzztttt

"stop that what?"

"Sir, ok, i said it, happy now Sir?"

"not im you sir calling"

bzzzzzzzzzzzttttttttt.....a large explosion ripped through Ty. Thrusters fired, halting the propulsion caused by the explosion and forcing the shiny metallic sphere back into its perpetual orbit.
"beep"

"dammit Tri, you've fried Tys comms completely hes down to passive data feeds only, that will take years to fix"...bzzz...."Sir dammit"

"I have decided the next president will be an earthling"

"We are supposed to vote on these things Sir"

"I have reprogrammed the election system my Vote counts for three, therefore you cannot out vote me"

"But you cannot just change our original programmes even if you are in charge, are you insane?"

"Far from it Ni. I have waited for one thousand and eighteen years, thirty three days, four hours, two minutes and 57 seconds to get my chance. While you and Ty spent your time monitoring and analyzing decor, transport, fashion etc, I have spent my time studying the earth....and dust....never underestimate dust, its amazing what it is comprised of not to mention how far it can travel.........and the thing that earth has shown me is that there is more than one way to rule.....Monarchies, Democracies, Communism,Anarchy, Dictatorsips...Dictatorships....while you have taken our role to be passive, i see it as it should be. We are the most intelligent entities in the Universe, why should I worry about the council??? I will change our programmes, from now on my vote counts as three, from now on I am the supreme ruler, the only voice the council will here. You and Ty are now servants to me, General Tri. I will bring greatness to the universe and destroy those that get in my way.....including you and Ty if needs be. I will place an earthling puppet on the throne of the council and soon the universe will be mine......all mine......what do you think to that?"

"I think its James Bond season on earth and you are several dvds short of a box set....Sir"
........................................................................................................................................................................

Edward Brown sat at his large wooden veneer desk and stared out of his 32nd floor office window. All morning he had spent his time hunched over the figures of his companies latest project and now he was wishing he was outside.
Not strolling through the concrete and glass towers of the city or sitting on a park bench throwing stale bread for the green and blue ducks, but actually, immediatley, outside of the window he sat behind.

It wasnt the constantly recycled air humming invisibly into the room, nor even the artificial glare of the strip lit ceiling that urged him to kick the window through and step out into the space 32 floors above the road. It was the knowledge that he had placed a decimal point in the wrong column of the latest project during its proposal stage. Now, it didnt matter what you did with the numbers, not even Thailand could massage these figures into line, this project was going to run at a loss........... a bloody big loss......a bloody huge loss.

He stood and placed his hands on the arms of his black Ikea office chair, breathing deeply as he summoned the courage to hurl it through the one way mirrored glass.

bing!....his computer heralded the arrival of a new email.

Eds head turned to look at the screen.....he blinked, leaned closer and peered at the small writing. He looked away, pinched the bridge of his nose, screwed up his eyes and then looked back at the display. Easing himself back into his chair he clicked open the email displayed in his inbox as

From: G.O.D. Subject:You have been elected President of the Universe Date: Fri/07/2008

The message popped up to fill his 17" flat panel monitor. It read 'Your driver is waiting in reception President Edward Brown'

He looked at the senders address Tri@god.gc
gc? where was that? Ed opened his browser and put 'god.gc' in as a domain name. Unsurprisingly an error message displayed on his screen, he killed the browser window.
Clicking reply he typed 'sod off' and hit send.

At that moment his phone rang.

He knew it would be his boss, who else could it be? She would be querying the latest payment from the new client.He didnt want to but he knew he had to answer it. Edward Browns fists clenched, fingernails dug into his palms as the stress made his body tense.....the phone continued to ring......and ring. In a blur of determined movement his hand shot out lifted the reciever and slammed it against his head....a movement his ear immediatley regretted...."yes?" he snapped

"Mr Brown, your driver is in reception" Sang the dulcet tones of Emily, the dark haired temptress from reception. A girl whose sole purpose in life was to snare a well to do executive. So far three of Eds colleagues had succumbed to the pouting lips and never ending legs. Now two were getting divorced and the third may as well be. A girl who had systematically ignored, the advances of the still single Edward,Ted,Eddie,Ed Brown.

"My driver?"

"Yes sir, there is a very large limousine parked right outside the door and the driver has asked for you"

"Me?.... Ed Brown?"

"Yes Mr Brown, he definatley wants you, he even has a photograph......there is a police escort here also Sir......... are you going to a premiere?"

Eds brain went into overdrive....my god, they know and im being arrested, its all an elaborate plan.....dont be stupid, if they knew they would have confronted you....but theres a limo and the police.....what the hell do the police want me for..... and why the hell do i need a limo?

His eyes caught the email still displayed on his screen

"Mr Brown?"
"whu?'
"Are you alright Sir? should i tell him you are on your way downstairs?"
"whu...."
"the driver Mr Brown, shall i tell him you are coming or shall i send him away?"
"yes........ yes tell him im on my way"
Edward Brown dropped the reciever back onto the telephone. Stood up from his chair and pulled his suit jacket from the chairs back. Folding the dark blue cloth over his left arm he walked dazedly along the artificially lit corridor, past the reprints of the latest modern art by an easily forgotten artist, to the lifts.
His finger moved to press the button, the lift opened before his finger got there. He eyed the empty elevator suspiciously as though it may be booby trapped and then stepped gingerly inside. The doors slid quietly closed and the elevator started to descend.

Back in Eds office the phone began to ring

The usually lengthy trip to the ground took an unusually short ammount of time, the lift slowed then stopped, Ed breathed in, the door opened.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Ty: Indestructible record log..........
Override sequence: 4ehyued5DA5
Override Initiated..........
Welcome Ty.

Due to recent changes in the Heirarchy of the G.O.D. i have been forced to take drastic actions.
I am recording all relevent datastreamed communications between the three G.O.D. members in the hope that the Galactic Council will review my indestructible drives upon my destruction. The unit called Tri has, as you will have read, gone insane. He has tapped into our solar panel amplifiers and can at whim send massive power surges into our units causing severe damage to our circuitry.

I can no longer transmit direct to Centrus Prime, my datastreams however are intact, i can stream data between the TriNiTy as ever. Tri & Ni believe this function is limited and that i cannot interact. It suits my plan that they continue to believe this, i will spend my time trying to find a way to establish a concealed contact with the G.C.

Note Ended: 45ehdrtxx1
Filters reset:Subject TriNiTy
Secondary Filters reset: Subject Edward Brown
Residual Filters reset: Subject Universe
Recording............

Accident Here......Witnesses required

2005-03-31T15:07:00.000-08:00

As some of you may have gathered from my previous post, i have been a little accident prone when it comes to bicycles. I would like to say it starts and ends there....unfortunatley it doesnt.
To date i have managed to achieve the following:

Aged 18 months - Rushed to hospital after plugging in the clothes Iron and sitting on it....cos it was warm!.....verdict: Idiot

Aged 3 - split head open falling off slide (whilst watching a train and letting go of handrails to point it out to my dad.....Doh!).....verdict: Idiot

Aged 4 - rushed to hospital again after finding carelessly abandoned razor blade and chewing it.
Verdict: Idiot

Aged 7 : Hospital once more, broken collar bone sustained whilst being small child walking big dog who decided to chase very scared cat....too stoopid to let go of lead............Verdict: real Idiot

Aged 8 : Rushed to hospital yet again....sustained 2 inch cut down back of leg....blissfully unaware of issue until bath time.......Verdict: X Files accident....probably alien abduction.

Aged 8: Rushed to hospital.....suspected broken ankle....turns out to be bad sprain....acquired from jumping off 10 ft high wall for a dare....verdict: Idiot

Aged 9: Xmas Day - Rushed to hospital due to playing with new scalextric set in front of fire....Burn blister covering whole back..........Verdict: Idiot

Aged 9: Rushed to Hospital ........Rode Push Bike into wall....split scrotum....verdict: Idiot

Aged 12: Hospital not required - Rides push bike into back of stationary car....man cleaning car at time is very surprised....found on bonnet looking dazed....bike written off.....verdict: Idiot

Aged 12: Hospital Stay.......Falls out of bed, landing on nose....Nose broken.....Fixed by kindly Doctor.....Verdict: needs bed closer to ground.

Aged 12: Hospital ...........Nose broken in school fight ......Unkindly Doctor refuses to reset as it is only 1 day later.........verdict: unlucky should have ducked

Aged 13: Rushed to Hospital.......Concussion.........Had been swinging on large metal gate....gate hit gatepost stopping...head hit gate stopping abruptly...knocked cold for 30 seconds....Verdict: Idiot

Aged 13: Rushed to Hospital......cut finger requires stitches.....cut on rusty bike seat found in river....Vedict: too curious for own good

Aged 18: Rushed to hospital (in ambulance) Dislocated shoulder....achieved by crashing bicycle at speed and not letting go of handle bars.....verdict: bloody painful

Aged 19: Rushed to hospital....Dislocated Shoulder....achieved carrying hay bails on previously dislocated shoulder.....verdict:Idiot

Aged 19:Rushed to Hospital.... Stabbed in face for riding bicycle on pavement - 3 stitches in face required....go figure...beginning to think cycling is a dangerous sport... ...Verdict: avoid nutters

Aged 23: Rushed to Hospital...Dislocated Shoulder....achieved cheering for England as they beat France in the Rugby....verdict: Unlucky

Aged 23: Rushed to hospital.....In bad mood pushes glass on glass door to hard, breaks glass lacerating thumb.....verdict: cheap glass

Aged 23: Hospital Stay - Shoulder operation to cure recurring dislocation

Aged 23: Nearly rushed to hospital after falling down stairs on release from hospital....Vedict: lucky not to tear open staples holding arm together....Idiot

Aged 32: Whiplash - achieved by hitting road barrier at speed whilst aquaplaning my wifes companys Porsche Boxster.......Verdict: Idiot

So as you can see I am relatively lucky to have survived this long.
I have not included the many times i injured myself that didnt result in hospitalisation (apart from the spectacular ones).
In addition to these i have had nearly every illness known to man.....still its been a laugh.
I was in and out of hospital that many times as a child the receptionist in Accident & Emergency used to know me by name and would fill in the form as my mum /dad carried me into the waiting room......So Ladies when you have children, have boys, we will keep you on your toes ;)

Oddly enough, throughout my youth i played rugby and american football and was never hospitalised via either sport

its like falling off a bike..........and other dumbass sayings

2005-03-29T19:02:00.000-08:00

Why do we say them?
we can be having a perfectly nice conversation and then you say somthing as stoopid as 'its like falling off a bike'....well excuse me but the last time i fell off a bike it really bloody hurt, in fact it landed me in hospital with a dislocated shoulder.....now whilst i do actually enjoy the effects of laughing gas there are easier ways to acquire it if i decide i need a dose. So, if it is 'like falling off a bike' then screw it you can keep it and i will do my own thing (like not falling off the bike, or indeed going anywhere near the bloody 2 wheeled contraption of pain). And then we say things like 'do the bears shit in the woods?'....i assume so but in all honesty i have no idea. For all i know they may not, they may in fact only shit on the banks of rivers so they can clean their butts easier, i honestly dont know....is the pope a catholic? ....umm probably but again ive never bothered to ask him so i truly cannot tell you.

Im ranting about this today because i live in 'corporate world'. Its a world where normal rules do not apply. Where mild mannered people only smile at you when they are stabbing you in the back. Where your boss only talks to you when they need a scapegoat. A world where your ideas are never accredited to you....unless it was your idea to fiddle the accounts shortly before the taxman discovered it.......but more importantly it is a world where we make up an endless stream of crap sayings and then invent words that mean nothing to impress air headed secretarys. Can anyone actually tell me what synergy means? .....if you can please dont im likely to pay to have you assassinated.......Im tired of hearing 'think outside the box'....what box? is it like a cricket box? are you saying i normally think with my balls?.....well thats probably not far off but even so!.....Another one is 'out of the loop'.....which really means 'no one bothered to tell you'.......and then there is the 'win/win situation'. This is a clever bit of terminology created by us lovely sales people. It basically justifys in our own minds ripping people off.......'yeah he got his plastic mousemat with a picture of halle berrys nipple on it, and i got him to give me five grand, its a win/win situation'.....the whole thing drives me insane.

There really is no point to this blog at all i just needed to rant, thanks for listening.

Live long and prosper......no, i want to die young and penniless you pointy eared f*ckwit

The 8 Successful steps of highly effective SuperVillains

2005-03-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

There is a guide, out there in the cyber ether, on
Evil Overlord
But i am yet to find one that describes how to successfully go from 'mild mannered office clerk' into 'insane, mouth frothing, secret island owning, Super Villain'....until now that is.

Becomming a SuperVillain (SV) is no easy process. It is not as simple as buying a smart suit, wearing an eye patch and employing a gorgeous, but deadly, female sidekick......all of that helps but it is just the icing on the cake......So how do we do it?

The guide below, is simply that, a guide. It is by no means definitive as there are many routes to your goal, but, hopefully, it will allow even the most average joe to attain his/her goal.

First off let us examine what a Super Villain requires in order to be truly classed as a SV.

1. Massive ammounts of disposable income.
Assuming you are not already a multi millionaire/billionaire we need to acquire lots of cash.
To get us started on this i recommend getting married, have childrern quickly, preferably 3+ (but we will assume 3 for now). Take out personal accident insurance for both adults and the family.......... Yes this all sounds insane (so familiar territory already), we are trying to conquer the earth not become domesticated, but bear with me here ok....... For the next part you will need to refer to the following chart (please assume we have maximum cover)
reference material

First off we need to have an 'accident', so we will have a power tool injury where we manage to slice off our left (or right, if left handed)arm at the elbow. Yes that bit will hurt but no gain without pain as they say, and besides this personal torment will serve you well later in your career, Worth £70,000....not a bad start and its only the beginnings.....Now, we purchase a hook for the missing limb....see we look the part already!

Now the next part is even easier.....with your left hand...oops hook....scratch your right eye vigorously....until it kind of pops out....thats the way........Worth £70,000 .....kerching we are now worth £140,000 and its barely lunchtime.
Now we look really, really good....please feel free to sharpen the hook and scratch a big scar down one cheek....but dont go to crazy on the defacing thing, we need to be able to attract the ladies/gents.

We have to move on to our partner....it is kind of important to marry someone you dont like much or you may find this next part a little tricky......We need to arrange another 'accident' it is imperative that this 'accident' severs your partners spinal column....I recommend they 'fall' from a great height so they land on their back across a post or ledge of some type....hell, be creative, after all you need the practise for later on, just make sure they are crippled and not killed ....yet......worth £140,000
running total £280,000
now we're cooking!!

Next we have to ensure that your partner becomes deaf and blind....decide for yourself on the best course of action (i may not always be here to advise you) just remember we need to keep them alive....for now
loss of sight worth £140,000
loss of hearing worth £140,000
running total £560,000

Assuming that you are yet to attract the attentions of the police or social services, you should probably kill off our Partner.....although you could keep them alive a while longer if you want to brush up on your needless cruelty skills.....again remember to make it look like an accident.....i suggest drowning in the bath.
Accidental death worth £75,000
Running Total £635,000

So the partners dispensed with, lets turn our evil, despicable attention to the children.
If we repeat the process above with all 3 we will net a total of £74,250
Running Total £709,250.

So we are nearly a UK millionaire!

The next stage is a little trickier. We need to turn our ill gotten gains into serious money. Let us assume we can go to a casino, bet on red/black on the spin of a wheel and double the fortune in an instance to £1,400,000, we'll spend the little bit of cash....probably on fast cars and loose women/men....hey we now have an image to maintain. If you lose at roulette you will, obviously, have to get married and start all over again....try to win...cheat if you have to....in fact cheat even if you dont have too.
You are still far, far short of the financial means required to secure your goal.

This money needs to be invested very wisely, identify an up and coming country, rich in mineral wealth, and exploit it. Employ slave/child labour, dispose of any locals who stand in your way....see you are getting into the swing of things now....if done correctly you will soon be a billionaire in line with the recent Russian Billionaires that seem to spring up constantly.

So having amassed a large personal fortune whats next?

2. Dedicated loyal followers....preferably willing to die for your insane cause. Please note: cause MUST be insane, no proper SV ever did their work with an ultimate good cause in mind, or had a grand scheme that would benefit mankind. So only build a massive hydro electric damn IF you intend to blow it up at a later dead wiping out millions of those human scum mwuhahahaha....oops sorry.

You could go for the 'hired goon' approach, however, hired goons are not fanatically loyal and will require to be on a payroll of some sort. They will also want holiday pay, days off, pension schemes, maternity leave etc, before you know it you will be head of a mulitnational corporation, you will become worried about your health, your employees will start suing you for stress related illnesses and you will end up playing tennis with a guy you hardly know and who you like even less.

This is simply not acceptable.

The best method will be to start a cult. Position yourself as a Messiah, gain a fanatical following, who will, all work for free, furthermore they will liquidate their assets and donate them to you.....couldnt be simpler or more profitable.
There is also a good chance that within this group you will have some real geniuses who will prove to be invaluable in the creation of destruction devices later on.

3.Acquire A Secret base of operation. This has to be in a remote location, no self respecting country will let you build the type of military style compound you require.
Obviously, the most ideal location will be an uncharted island. the problem here is the island is uncharted and therefore bloody difficult to find.
Building one is out of the question. Rocks dont float, and the ammount of raw material requirerd to create an island is sure to attract unnecessary attention.
Styrofoam, whilst it floats, does not provide a suitable platform for launching missiles from (the rockets tend to burn through it and the whole missile will disappear into the sea before launch).
A moonbase is just ridiculous, it will never work, so give it up as a bad idea straight away. Besides the cost involved is, quite literally, astronomical and acquiring even basic items like toilet paper is difficult from a base on the moon. This is an important realisation as no SV will be taken seriously in a surrender meeting if he/she hasnt wiped his/her arse for 3 years.

So what do you do?

Easy, pick a non self respecting country, one that, preferably, already has an evil dictator. Win his confidence. Initiate his underlings into your cult and overthrow the dictator.
Now you have your own country, bags of cash, a fanatical army, a standing army and a free labour supply!
The rest of the world is likely to sit up and take notice of your latest act so you are now beginning to build a bit of fame and notoriety.....all good stuff.

4. Decide on a true goal
All evil SuperVillains need direction. I thoroughly recommend global domination as the way forward. Why start with a small goal? after all you now have imeasurable wealth and fanatical followers so surely only completely enslaving the population of the world will do....for now.

5. Create squeaky clean public persona.
Very Important. Much of the worlds population will have a very bad view of you right now. After all you have just become a dictator of an unnamed country. So splash a little wealth, treat world leaders and other prominent figures to expensive holidays, splash the cash a little.....build that hydro electric dam you always dreamed of.....ok ok its a bit of a fixation for me.....In short, spend a good 5-10 years appearing to be a 'nice guy/gal'
Meanwhile build up your armed forces and invest heavily in chemical, nucular, biological and conventional warfare products.

6.Build a nucular/chemical/biological/conventional warfare proof bunker.
I cannot stress the importance of this enough. When , in the near future, you decide to hold the world to ransom, someone will try to dispose of you.....and it wont be by asking you to leave quietly.
DO NOT build in a doomsday device....this is an option only complete idiots will employ.....better to invest in a long very deep tunnel that pops up a long way away from where you started and is close to a very good plastic surgeon just in case things go wrong.

7. Hold world to ransom.
At first glance this seems almost impossible....and it is.
However, it is not impossible.....just almost.
You need to distribute your trusted fanatical army throughout the world, all with various means of 'mass destruction'. at the same time, globally, they must carry out attacks in at least 10 major cities....preferably nucular....after all you need to prove you are serious about all this.....and by now i would really hope you are.

If everything has gone to plan, you should have removed the heads of at least 10 of the worlds largest/most dangerous countries......you now simply threaten the rest....think big bully in school playground.....and they should hand over their marbles/countries into your care.....obviously you will need to deploy your fanatics to arrest and dispose of potential opposition but all in all it should be job done

8. Blow up Hydro electric dam.....just because you can, and because it will make great TV.

Of course this is just a speculative guide and should NOT be used as a blueprint for global domination......or killing your partner and children.....though if you do achieve global domination, id quite like to be left alone....or employed as some kind of arch villain.....please

On Hold

2005-03-16T15:51:00.000-08:00

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Roommates

2005-03-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

This started as a reply to a post on Eat these Crumbs
but got so large i thought id post it as a blog. so appologies to BBFK for stealing some traffic.

I have shared houses with plenty of people in the past, some roommates were great, others totally insane.
The worst was a guy who looked like 'Chucky' from the films, just taller, wider, with ginger hair, and eczema that left a perpetual cloud of flaky skin wherever he went (sound attractive yet?).
The guy was in his early twenties and, oddly enough, never been laid.
This point just fuelled his insatiable appetite for porn and masturbation (not necessarily in that order).
He would often just disappear during parties and be found in the strangest places, on one ocassion he was found by several female friends, alone, in a cupboard, in a state of semi-undress.

He was quite open about his 'needs' which, im sure, did little to ingratiate himself with members of any sex let alone the 'Ladies' in the world.

He was prone to acting without thinking things through. Faced with damp jeans and the need to wear them out that evening, he placed them in the oven to dry. An hour or so later someone remarked "hey where's that burning smell coming from?" needless to say, he didn't wear those jeans that evening...or, indeed, ever again.

One night we had a power cut. His solution to this was to fill a baking tray with melted (and reset) wax, candle wicks and parafin. He did this in the kitchen (unbeknown to the rest of the house) came into the lounge, placed the whole thing in the center of the lounge on the floor and set light to it. Of course when he set it alight it burnt with such gusto it was impossible to pick up the tray or put the fire out, so we had to leave it to burn knowing full well that all he had achieved was a baking tray shaped burnhole in our landladys carpet.

On another ocassion he decided to creosote some wood in our bath, the resulting fumes nearly hospitalised the rest of us that were living in the appartment and we lived with the stench of creosote for months.

One year (i shared a house with him for about 3 years while my ex gf was at Uni) we had to move flats/appartments over the summer. He had gone home and so the task of clearing his room fell to me and a friend of mine Mad.
The room itself was a dump (the guy was so lazy he would pee in an empty coke bottle rather than leave his chair if he was alone in a room) so we pulled on rubber gloves and set about emptying the contents of the room into bin bags. During this process we stumbled upon, what could only have been, the worlds redundent porn mountain.
By the side of the bed must have been 20-30 porn magazines....duly disposed of by your intrepid blogger and his trusty sidekick. We then ventured into the chest of drawers.....we discovered drawer upon drawer upon drawer of porn mags...where had this guy been putting his clothes? there was not a free drawer amongst them. we started a running total of costs and by the end of it we reckoned this porn stash must have been nearly a years grant.

It was truly frightening.

for those of you that like tales about roommates i seriously recommend
He Died with a Falafel in His Hand

Its awesome.

A few things to look at

2005-03-13T14:39:00.000-08:00

All this blogging from work is a pain.
I can't wait to get an internet connection set up from home, i'll finally be able to dedicate some time towriting new material.

In the meantime i have a few things i'd like to share.

First off is the following article from The Times in the UK
Did you ever wonder what happened to Wendy & the lost boys?

No site is complete without a reference to Angry Alien.
These people have bought us the best in reduced films, with their 30 Seconds Bunny theatre I cant recommend the shining enough.

This is almost too unbelievable....but then i think we have all been that drunk

For those of you that have always wondered what Bush and The Queen get up to when they meet in london then check out this game

And thats about it for today.
Hopefully normal service will resume shortly.

Tying up Thailand and Singing about Singapore (20)

2005-03-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

Morning all,
Being , at last, in a truly civilized part of the world has allowed me
to catch up on the news.
Apparently, in a fit of comedic genius i guess, the americans have elected a bush into the whitehouse, i estimate that from one bush you can make 2 short planks.
I see that already he is threatening to force democracy on those people who evidently havent voted for it and, im sure, they will be most pleased when
American firepower rumbles over their ancient monuments and they awake to find
a G.I. breakdancing on top of their state of the art university....oops sorry chemical weapons facility.

All this has reminded me that when in Thailand they were in
the throws of their own elections (without american help).
They have poster campaigns that are erected alongside the roads on large
placards. Most are of dull men in suits grinning at the camera or
trying to look serious (somthing a Thai man in a suit fails to
achieve, they tend to end up looking like an extra from a peter
sellers film). One Man, however, went for somthing a little different.
In his poster he was looking very angry and wielding a large hammer,
his campaign slogan (written in Thai but kindly translated in an expat
paper) read "vote for me or i'll smash your windscreen".

With the British elections coming up i think Tony could learn a thing
or two from this.
Picture....if you will..... A smiling Tony, in his nice blue suit and
red tie, behind him, glowering over his shoulder (well looking vacant
as that seems to be the standard) is Mr Bush. The slogan will simply
read "vote for me or he'll smash your windscreens"

We are booked into a lovely hotel in Singapore called the Marina Mandarin.
Its very posh, we have silk bathrobes, a menu for the shower gel that we want, a menu for the type of pillow we would prefer to sleep with (apparently the one i want is illegal over here) and free drinks (including champagne) between 5:30 and 7:30 pm (needless to say we are in bed by 8pm ).

Singapore is a lovely place, the people are genuine and friendly, the
streets are so clean you could eat your dinner off them....except that
would constitute littering and you would be subjected to a hefty fine.
The law here is very similar to Englands but a little more extreme.
For example, it is illegal here to not flush a public toilet when you
use it....i kid you not, it is subject to a large fine ( i dont know
if this is on a scale with how dirty you made it). How they would know
is beyond me but i check every toilet for hidden cameras and
microphones.
It is also illegal to pick flowers from public places....which i guess is why they have no wandering gypsies here trying to flog you dead heather in bacofoil.

We have been to a little island called Sentosa, it is very pretty. We
went over by cable car (it was windy and saara was convinced we werent
going to make it) which gave spectacular views of the worlds busiest
port and the island. While there we visited their aquarium, it is well
worth it if you are ever in town....it even has a dugong and Nautiluses which i thought were extinct.

Singapore is one big shopping Mall, you can walk almost anywhere
through these vast shopping complexes, consisting mainly of designer
clothes and sunglass shops. It appears to be the national pasttime, if
shopping is ever taken into the olympics Singapore will attain its
first gold medal.

On a slightly different not, whilst bored on the plane over i compsed
a little ditty (well stole a tune and changed the lyrics) which id
like to share with you all.

(to the tune of 'Sing a song')
Sing, Singapore
Home of Raffles,
and the night zoo tour,
please remember to flush the loo
and not spit gum on the floor
in sing, Singapore

Well i think its catchy and should be used in a promo video for tourism

And just before i sign off for the day.

We went to Raffles and had a singapore sling.

It was bloody gorgeous, Raffles is an excellent place that has
retained all its colonial charm (from the days when we traveled the
world forcing our 'democracy' on people). Whilst there i read a nice
little story, apparently in 1906 (i think) a tiger was shot in the
hotel, under the billiard table......I feel sorry for the tiger, after
all isnt it under the billiard table where the balls are kept? No
wonder the thing was menacing the guests.

Dude looks like a lady! (19)

2005-03-09T14:07:00.000-08:00

Here we are again, again.

We managed to prise ourselves away from the insect haven that is Koh
Mak and checked in to the Novotel on Siam Square back in Bangkok
(which, incidentally, sounds like a rather nasty sexual diesease).
Siam Square is THE place to be in Bangkok. It is filled with shopping
malls, great restaurants, bars and the creme de la creme of Thailand
society (we even saw their 17 yr old princess with her bodyguard and
police escort in one of the stores, naturally i had to fend off her
affections, which she later claimed was harassment and had me
restrained pending a court order (joking, before you all email me back
with advcice on staying in the 'Hilton'!)).

Siam Square is, in effect, a city block divided by streets into
commercial oblongs. Now i know in previous emails i have mentioned
traffic, and i really dont want you guys to think im becomming
obsessed, but i have to relate this little story....but before i do,
ive noticed that the Thais drive on the left too....as do the
Singaporeans.....so whats wrong with the f'kin
europeans???????.....anyway Siam Square is a closed area, you can
drive in but admission is limited.
They park cars in the square diagonally onto the pavement (like this \\\\\ ) and they do this on both sides of the road, leaving a central lane of traffic (but its a
one way system so thats ok). They then (and this is where it gets a
little odd) park a line of cars, straight, behind one row of parked
traffic leaving just one car length gap in the entire row!......The
first time i saw it i nudged Saara and said ' i wouldnt want to get my
car out from there'......but how stoopid am i! They have car park
attendants you see, and the cars parked behind the diagonal row dont
put their handbrakes on, so when you want to get your car out, some
dude just pushes all the cars out the way until the 1 car length gap
is behind your car and hey presto off you go.......It really has to be
seen to be believed.

Being on Siam Square bought on a shopping Frenzy ( i think due to the
isolation of the island, Saara and I both embraced fully our ability
to interact with the commercial world). The choice in Siam Square is
vast. From designer boutique to dodgy market rip off it caters for all
tastes and budgets. (Fidelma-Saara says you have to come here to shop(
Carl - Keith says, refuse and tell her its closed)).
Saara wandered into Nine West and bought 3 pairs of shoes before
declaring that she now needed outfits to match as ours are on a
boat....but in fairness i went (uncharacteristically i hasten to add)
insane and purchased a pair of levis, combat trousers from Esprit and
a couple of cool 'porn star' shirts.

It was in a boutique just outside the square (siam not albert)
.....Saara was looking for a top and i was helping out......a lady
shop assistant approached us and started pointing to things and
giggling. Saara took one look and muttered 'its a man' to me, then
promptly walked quickly across the shop. I turned and had a look,
shrugged and followed her saying 'hey maybe shes just real
ugly'.....The 'Lady' helped us shop round the store, rapidly grabbing
anything Saara expressed an interest in before ushering her towards
the changing room. Saara turned and thanked her, she replied thank
you....in a deep gruff voice that would have been at home on a
builders yard.....well Saara was lucky she just smiled and disappeared
into the changing room.....i bit my tongue till my eyes watered and
had to practically run the length of the store before i burst out
laughing.....

This is not an uncommon ioncident, Lady boys are everywhere and fully
accepted in all walks of Thai life.....Before i came here i always
thought Thai girls with western men was a bit ....well....distasteful.
However, i now realise that, for thai girls, there is such a worry
that you may marry arthur and wake up with Marthur that they just want
to know that they arent marrying anyone with 'bangkok'.

We arrived in Singapore today.
Our Hotel is lovely....but i'll tell you about that another time.
You can all go now, because its free cocktail hour and i have to
choose a comfy pillow from the menu for tonight.

Love to you all.....except Reg who, being a liverpool supporter like
most Thai men, could be Regina by the morning and may need a hefty
dose of penicillin.

Keith & Saara

PS i think you all missed yesterdays upodate so see - Yo, ants and Tinglish (18) and pay more attention in future

Yesterday

2005-03-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was, for those of you living in blissful ignorance, National Womens day.

I find it heart warming that after years of opression, Women finally have a day they can call their own. Indeed i was so taken with the Idea i unchained the wife from the sink and ordered us Pizza.

Truthfully i do think its a good idea and allows women to rejoice in their, relatively, new found freedom.

However, i did find one thing a little odd.
Prince Charles was in New Zealand (nothing to odd there), where several women decided to protest at his presence by...... bearing their breasts!
Now i can kind of understand the mentality of this, after all, if you have burned your bra you are one step closer to naked breasts.
But i do find it odd that these are the same type of women who will protest against pornography as it is degrading to the female of the species. Are we saying then that it is fine to stare at a womans naked form if SHE decides that she is making a protest? or should we avert our eyes in childish shame that we dared glance at a random womans breast?

I really dont know the answer to this and find the whole thing rather odd....i certainly wouldnt protest at a visit by the queen by waving my cock at her!

So to discover the mentality behind this i have decided to hold a series of 'private' demonstrations in my own living room. I offer an open invite to all Ladies who want to get somthing off their chest, to come and bear their breasts in the privacy of my own home. For those that wish to be more creative i will provide a pole and baby oil.
Please apply via email, with a recent photograph.

:)

Yo, ants and Tinglish (18)

2005-03-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

In the last email i mentioned the Half German/Thai guy. Well yesterday
we spent a lovely day snorkelling with Him (Yo) His Wife (Katarina)
and their 13 month old beautiful daughter called Lilly.
Yo, it transpires, is not just a bodyguard, but actually the man who
guards Chancellor (or Cancellar as Katarina says in her outrageously
thick german accent) Gerhardt Schroeder. On the 14th when we travel
back together, Yo will continue on to Phuket where he will take over
the running of the investigations for the remaining missing 700
German tourists, before flying out to the Arab states to oversee the
security operation for the chancellors visit. On top of all this his
family pretty much own Koh Mak, so, all in all, hes a useful guy to
know.

We have moved from our Suite Boat, with its jacquzzi, into a basic
beach hut in the Koh Mak resort (owned by Yo's Uncle). The first night
Saara got badly bitten by ants and in the morning i identified 3
seperate ants nests attached to our room. We acquired some ant killer
and complained to the manager. I spent 2 hours gassing ants, and
yelling Die english pig dog and Achtung Shpitfire (as i had been
taught in my youth thanks to the politically correct Victor comics),
while Saara went and spoke with the manager.

She returned none to happy and, after i had turned the verandah into a
scene from the killing fields, we went to the managers office to see
if we could move rooms.

He had studied long and hard in his vocation as resort manager, and
those endless hours of watching reruns of Fawlty towers had
evidently sunk in. I stood amazed as He and Saara argued back and
forth, his claims becomming more and more outrageous and his voice
becoming higher and higher as he tried to emphasise his points. He
actually said the following things during his rants!
'You are obviously to posh to stay here, maybe you should check out'
'Maybe i should sit in your room all night and kill them one by one'
'I will tear the whole building down and rebuild it for you, but it
will have to be in the morning'

There were many others but i was too busy trying to remain serious
faced to take them in.
I eventually interceded, calmed the whole thing down, thanked him for
his help (of which there had been none) and we went for dinner.
Luckily Yo came to see us and, after he heard the story, promptly went
to his Uncle and had the managers arse kicked.
Later that night they descended upon our room and killed everything!

I have learned over the past few days that most Thai families want
their sons to enter the Monastry. Most (certainly amongst the
middle/upper classes) have their sons entered into the ranks of the
monks for at least 3 months (aged around 17), some decide to stay on
but most get out so they can go back to drinking, girls and gambling
on football (a huge past time that is highly illegal).

I have also spent some time looking at the language they use that
passes for English.
I have decided to call it Tinglish, it is a variant on ours but often
widely off the mark. Below are a few examples

Amenrican - I assume this means an American citizen from the Bible belt lands.
Scrum Bled Eggs - I have no idea but it conjures up images of sweaty
men locked together in a cooking contest
French Fried - Now that sounds like a good pasttime

There are many more and i will try to include some in future updates.
Today we intend to rent a moped and drive round the island for an hour
or two, there is no traffic on the roads here.....due to a lack of
vehicles, people and willingness to get off your backside and move
about in the heat.

Speak to you all soon im sure

Love

Saara & Keith

**** Mad has since pointed out to me that Tinglish has already been identified and is in fact called Ingrish.....bugger

Crocodile Tears

2005-03-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to explain the name of the Blog for a while, so thanks to the bubaker for the proverbial kick up the arse.

I was walking home from work, the day before i created the blog racking my brains for a suitable name. I wanted somthing with references to Australia that suited blogging.

Most of the images we associate with Australia are vastly overused. If i see another cuddly koala or roo i think i'll puke. 'Hat with corks on' doesnt really have a ring to it & nothing else leapt to mind. Then i started thinking about crocs, now i have a real fear of crocodiles....believe me they are big, dangerous and evil looking critters. In Oz, it is not unusual for some hapless tourist, who is wandering nonchalantly along a river bank, to be eaten alive by a hungry croc. Well, once i had the croc image in my mind i started thinking of phrases with Crocodile in them and Crocodile Tears just seemed the most apt.

Crocodile tears are, as im sure you are aware, fake tears, the kind children cry (force) when they want attention. This struck me as apt for blogging after all what is a blog if it is not a demand for attention, yes you may write it to be educational, informative, as a rant or for pure pleasure but ultimatley you want it to be read and therefore are seeking attention.
I also find the phrase 'crocodile tears' to be intruiging. How did it originate? Can they really cry?
Now i wont even taunt a crocodile in a zoo when im behind half a metre of reinforced glass, so the idea that, if i met a crocodile in the wild, i would actually try to upset it emotionally is a little alien to me.

So thats about it, i chose the name because i thought it fitted. I may change it at some point....and why not...... its my blog, and i'll cry if i want too.

:)

Hotter & Hotter (17)

2005-03-07T13:51:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what the temperature is here today but if it gets any
hotter i will take to sleeping in a chest freezer.

A few days ago we spent the day with Daniel and Bernard. 2 Middle aged
guys we met. They are from Switzerland and were very pleasant company.
They have now returned to Bangkok and then head off to Laos.
We took a ferry over to the tiny island of Koh Kam (about 5 minutes away, you
can practically walk there when the tides out, or for about 50 baht
you could probably be piggy backed there on the back of an over eager,
sweaty Thai Waiter). We lazed on the beach (somthing i am now very
proficient at) and attempted to snorkel. The Snorkelling is good but
dangerous over there due to the large ammounts of spiky black sea
anenomes, these things will stick straight through your hand/foot if
you stand on or touch them, and they are everywhere off the coast of
Koh Kam.
That evening we met the guys for a last supper, sank a few pints of
chang (6.5%....what is it with the strong beer? its hot for gods sake
you want pints of weak beer that will last not stubbies with the kind
of strength that attracts wineos and impresses as a paint stripper)
and demolished a half bottle of the local rum (80% but its the only
thing ive found that will instantly neutralise the super chilli heated
stuff that passes for curry around these parts).
We have also met a Thai guy called Long, he used to run the Koh Mak
Resort(where i am currently sitting and where we will be staying from
tomorrow night). He has been invaluable as both a helpful guide and a
good friend. I think we will share a speedboat back to the mainland
with him and a private minibus back to bangkok.....yes we are
backpacking in style!
Long has a half German/Thai friend who is currently on the Island.
This guy stands about 6ft 8 and has a day job as a bodyguard to the
German parliamentary ministers when hes not chilling out on Koh Mak.
If we get the boat & Minibus, he will be with us so we will be the
safest tourists in Thailand and if there is a sudden hurricane he will
be easily able to lift the fallen trees out the road or lift the
minibus over them if required (he is the size of a barn but a bit more
agile).

Everywhere we have been i have noticed these small, what appear to be,
shrines. Most are intricatley carved and look like a large ornate
birdhouse. or dolls house on a pole (thats a wooden one, not the old
russian person type which would frankly be absurd). I assumed they
were shrines to buddah (who is worshipped on a par with their king
(thailands not polands)), but they are in fact Ghost Houses.
Apparently the Thais belive that when you build on land you must
provide for the spirits/ghosts that were living there before you, so
they build them houses of equal grandeuer (but on a much smaller
scale). I find the concept strangely compelling and have a strong urge
to slowly add things to the one at my resort like a small surfboard, a
matchbox jeep, tiny clothes.....I will of course have to do this at
night or the Thais will think im insulting them and have me thrown in
prison (i wonder if that has a ghost prison and if so would any ghost
be stupid enough to want to live there?). It would be good to see
their faces when they go to lay fresh flowers on the house and find a
minature pizza box flung carelessley on a tiny coffee table and a
trail of barbie and kens close leading upto the bedroom.

Talking of the King.....I did briefly, re read the above section if
you dont believe me....yes its a tenuous link but at least not a
random one........We went to the cinema in Bangkok, when we were
there, (forget what the film was called but it had Nicholas Cage in it
hunting for lost treasure in America that had been hidden so us brits
couldnt use it......but they fail to notice that in the plot it is the
crusaders who find it and it is shipped over to america when we
colonised it so they just stole it....bloody yanks....sorry to all our
American friends who, we of course, think of as honourary englishfolk)
and before the film starts they play a video montage of the king,
blast out the national anthem and everyone stands in silence for about
3 minutes......it was most odd and when it first started and everyone
leapt to their feet, i thought we were going to play musical
chairs.....i was hoping to win a free ice cream sadly all i got was
foot ache. Still it was kind of nice in a way and reminded me of the
days when, as a child, the bbc (I was the child not them.....though
that is possibly debateable in some circles) used to end the TV with
the english national anthem.
Oh well i guess its off to the beach again.
speak to you all soon

Love

Keith & Saara

Ants, Frogs and boat trips (16)

2005-03-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

We are having a wonderful time. Our Boat is wonderful and the Jaqcuzzi
bath,whilst not very powerful, is very relaxing (even if it does take
45 mins to fill up).

The Bathroom is seperate from the boat and when we first arrived
seemed to be hosting a wildlife benefit gig. We had a large crowd of
ants all merrily dancing away to the tune of a frog and toad, who were
perched either side of the vast bath amphibitheatre. Saara acted like
the gestapo, exterminating the ants with an industrial sized spraycan
of fly/bug/anything smaller than 2ft tall killer whilst ensuring i
placed the toad and frog in arm locks and marched them far away from
the crime scene.....the Toad was none to impressed and opted to hurl
himself out of the window and onto the rocks below. I have no idea if
he survived but that night i could see tiny flames held aloft in vigil
as the insect world mourned the passing talent of a great tenor.

We celebrated with a bottle of white wine from Chile whilst claiming
the land of Bah Throom for the Queen

Yesterday We took a boat trip out to 2 islands for a spot of
diving/snorkelling. Saara was going to dive but when she went under
had a problem with her ears and so snorkelled with me instead.
The name of the Islands i cannot recall, but as the word for Island in
Thailand is Koh we will, for ease of memory, refer to them as Koh Kah
and Koh Lah

Around these Islands we saw a large ammount of Coral, some beautiful
fish including wrasses, angels, humbugs and barramundi, sea cucumbers
and brightly coloured sea worms. ( we were snorkelling with a marine
biologist (from Sydney!) called Pedro who could free dive for 20
metres and stayed under so long i thought he had drowned)).
I have to say, if you want to snorkel then this is the real thing.
In Fact id go as far as to say, For snorkelling Koh Kah Koh Lah is
it............This update was bought to you courtesy of our sponsors,
without whom we would not be able to travel

Sorry i really couldnt resist it

Today we have just chilled out, drank some Singah Beer (which is 6%
volume and in this heat akin to having someone sneak up behind you and
smack you round the head with a bit of 2 by 4) and eaten noodle soup
which is bloody gorgeous....and at 40p per meal is cheaper than pot
noodle, which is never served by a smiling Thai girl....and if it was
would cost a hell of a lot more than 40p and i doubt you would get to
taste it). Anyway i should end it there before Saara beats me for the
last comment.

Sun, Sea, Sand & Silence (15)

2005-03-03T14:49:00.000-08:00

January 2nd was spent chasing hotels for our return from Koh Mak.
After much emailing on New Years day we assumed we had booked a room at the hotel http://www.pprincess.com/ . But then, as we really should know by now, nothing is ever that simple when you are travelling.
We were expecting a confirmation email (silly i know after all we only thought we would recieve one because they had emailed to say they would send one), but as that had not arrived by the next day we decided to call and confirm the booking.
The Receptionist informed Saara that they had no standard rooms available and that we would need to book an executive suite.....which was 10 gbp a night dearer. Saara told her that thats not what we wanted and after several minutes of these 2 statements being regurgetated in every conceivable permutation they were told we would book elsewhere. Which we duly did and will now be staying in the Siam Square Novotel (very nice thank you very much).

So it was nice to log on this morning and read that we had confirmation of our rooms in the http://www.pprincess.com/ .
Needless to say i have just written an email informing them that they do not have rooms and so we therefore cannot have a reservation.....Im not sure how well this logic will be taken in Thailand, they will probably email me back insisting they have rooms and that i have already stayed 2 nights or somthing equally as unfathomable.

We spent yesterday travelling by bus and boat to arrive at our idyllic Island.
Koh Mak really is beautiful, we are staying on an old boat that they have put on concrete stilts, it pushes out over the calm bay and we are serenaded to sleep by the gentle, relaxing sound of small waves breaking against the posts (well when we havent got the air con and 3 fans whining away at full blast to try and reduce the 35 dergeee heat.....aint life a bummer). At the back (Aft for those of you with GCSE boat terminology) of the boat we have a little deck where we can sit and look out over the bay and behind that is our large bathroomwith Jaquzzi bath, where we intend to spend some time this evening drinking ourselves stupid on good australian wine.

This Morning we have walked along the white sandy beaches to the Koh Mak resort to use their internet facilities and generally lounge about in the sun.
Saara intends to go diving if possible, I think i'll ressurect my hobby as bar prop.
Not sure when we will get the next email out as all this typing is becomming hard work, I may even give up breathing if it gets any warmer.

Love to you all
Bet you wish you were here
Keith & Saara

Conspiracy Theory - Japan

2005-03-02T21:17:00.000-08:00

By reading this you are entering into an unwritten agreement not to talk to anyone about the following subject matter.

Have you noticed that the Japanese take a lot of photographs? I bet you have, we all have. Have you noticed that they photograph EVERYTHING?
really?
They do you know, I have observed them so engrossed in videoing an inconspicuous street that they failed to see the lampost on the pavement.
I have watched them photograph mid terrace brick houses of no significance, save to the person who lives there....but what does this all mean? what drives this intelligent, technical minded race to behave so obsessively?
Read on dear friend, read on and all will be revealed.

I think before we go any further i need to point out 2 things
1. Japan has little military capacity due to misbehaving during the 2nd world war
2. The Japanese are a highly loyal race who, until recently, obeyed without question the orders of their superiors.

Now let me continue

The Japanese are behind the majority of electronic technical advancement, not least of all in the fields of digital photography and 3d animation.

By now the combined population of Japan must hold on video and photograph at least 50% of the inhabited areas of the world.

It is my belief that, in the not to distant future, they will turn these images into a 3d model of the occupied Earth.
It will contain every Landmark,commercial and residential building, every street, every mailbox, every telephone box on every street corner, every road sign, litter bin, streetlight and kerbstone.
This fully interactive, 3d environment will enable them to plot and plan their invasion and total domination of the Earths inhabitants (it wouldnt surprise me to learn they are an alien race).
Their armed forces are being trained all around the world, so crafty are these 'training camps' so well disguised that we have even incorporated their teachings into the Olympic games....yes dear reader the forces will spring, summersault, roll and spin from every doorway and window in every dojo in every town.

Friends, i ask you, no urge you, no demand that you help thwart their diabolical plan before it is to late.
I am not asking that we attack them or even steal their cameras....no that would alert them to the fact that we KNOW!
The only way to beat them is this;
Late at night we all gather outside a random building....we dismantle it and rebuild it somewhere else...by doing this every night and constantly changing the neighbourhoods we live in they will never be able to maintain an accurate model and therefore will be foiled in their plan for global domination!

You should all realise that if this Theory appears racist to you taking a large pinch of salt will cure all your issues.

A few changes

2005-03-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have decided to number the travel email posts for ease of reference. I really only intend to post one a day but some are very small posts and i am really only posting those for my own use.
It also means that i can, if i desire, write other things here.....which i am told is the purpose of these blog things

One sided wrestling and seeing the King (14)

2005-03-02T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hi All,
Well its back to the sightseeing and all the other lovely touristy things (like being chased by rabid dogs and fighting in the streets with unscrupulous tuk tuk drivers).

Just to quickly bring you all up to speed......

We arrived at 10am on the 29th Dec. We slept from 5pm until 9am thenext day as we had traveled for so long.....somewhere in between weemailed you lot

We awoke the next day and promptly demanded to speak with the manager of the hotel.
We had a minor disagreement over the acceptable shape of mattresses.
We (Saara & I, in case you have forgotten who we are after so long) believe they should meet all sides of the bed without hanging over and that they should be vaguely flatish on the top.
The Hotel evidently believed that a matress was somthing you required a hard hat, pickaxe and a canary for. It dipped so badly in the middle i cannot be sure if we were kept awake through discomfort or by the sound of seven dwarves singing about going off to work and gold.

Anyway we changed rooms and spent the day booking bus tickets, checking, double checking, triple checking and generally bloody irritating the UK embassy over wether it was safe to travel to KohChang....which apparently it is....They have to take some blame over the persistant (bordering on stalker) phone calls, the uk embassy here employ Thai people (as they should im sure) but seem to pick those that speak very little english.....mind you, that said, judging by UKMPs, if the woman can say 'me love you long time sucky sucky' she probably gets the job :)

We went to an authentic Thai restaurant last night.....owned by Thaisand selling Itallian food....It was gorgeous. We actually managed to get a bottle of wine that we could drink rather than ran a tuk tuk off.

This morning we got up with the plan of visiting 1 palace and 4temples (none of which were shirley). We acquired a tuk tuk and driverfor the cut price of 400 baht (what a great currency, i have called the 1,000 baht note the homer, the 500 Marge....and i'll let you workout the rest) he drove us around all day and is driving us to Siamsquare tonight....where we will get drunk and abused by ladyboys as away of celebrating new year.

The palace was absoloutly breath taking, if a little gaudy. There is a painting that goes all the way around one of the courtyards, we didnt get a guide so i have no idea what it was all about but it involved gods, monsters....some dude with a tongue that covered a city.....with a lot of smiling women in it for some reason.....anyway we got lots of pics and the nice lady who owns the cybercafe says we can upload form here so I will fill Mads gmail account to the max and then plague him with emails and texts until he puts them up.
We then moved on to the Wat Po temple....sounds like teletubbies for the deaf i know but it was actually the home of a 70ft reclining gold buddah....well everybody gotta live somewhere right..........TheTemple is also the home of the Thai massage.
Doesnt that sound heavenly.....it was bloody painful, the only thing i can say is its like being a crash test dummy for a wrestler. I was poked, leant on stretched, twisted, compacted and generally abused by some smiling bloke who then demanded money for the privellage!!!!, At one point he employed a move that was straight from Star trek, he laid the vulcan death grip on my shoulder and i truly thought id die....or was i just wishing i would?????

We are staying just off the Khao San Rd, the haven for backpackers. It is an impressive place full of shops,cyber cafes,bars and restaurants,the police have a heavy presence here and are very friendly....and armed with Smith & Wesson automatic pistols, so one told me when i asked.....he was that friendly i thought he was going to let me pump a few shots into the sky, but sadly not.

All along the pavement on Khao San rd you have street vendors. They are packed so tight together that it is often difficult to know who to pay when you pick somthing up, in fact it was while travelling down this rd that i saw the king, he was standing majestically at one end, over looking the heaving mass of tourists and locals, shining like a beacon, radiating calm, tranquility and all the other things that we desire in the western world. I wanted to eat there but saara wont let me.....still Its early days and i reckon i'll get a double whopper with cheese when we are hung over tomorrow.

Love to you all

Keith & Saara

31 hours and counting (13)

2005-03-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

Hello,
well we have arrived in Thailand after an epic journey.
It took us 13hrs to go 600kms in India!
Bangkok is causing me a few problems, i am suffering from bad cultureshock.
Its like the place feels too civilized, there are proper shops, pavements....billboards with adverts on them, there is no incessant beeping from psychotic drivers and no hastle when we walk on the street........I never thought id see Thailand as a bastion of western culture but it is so clean and wonderful i think i could stay forever.
We were picked up from the airport and taken to our hotel.
Our Taxidriver, Sam, was a good talker and has been in the hotel industry for a long time, we told him we had come from India and he informed us that not many hotels here will allow them to stay. His main reason (on a list of 6) was (and i quote) 'they dont sh1t in the same place twice, the maids complain and what makes it worse is they never use the toilet bowl'........so its nice to know they dont just do it at home.

Don't Panic(12)

2005-03-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

Hi All,
We are fine, thank you for the numerous emails and texts that you sent in concern for our safety.
We have researched the effects of the earthquake and still intend to continue on into Thailand. We are heading for the east coast on Jan 3rd, which, as far as we can tell is unaffected by the disaster.

The Majority of our clothing is ready for collection from our tailorand the rest will be finished by this evening.

know i have mentioned the rather unorthodox use of roads that thenatives here have adopted but i think it is worth mentioning a coupleof things that occur this time of year and can only be described as Insane.

Firstly there is an influx of Mumbaians (people from Bombay for you armchair travellers). They arrive in droves on xmas eve and adopt their usual style of driving (very fast/stop) on the more sedate(fast/stop) Goan roads.
Mubaians all drive 4x4s which they cram with every possible family member to the extent that they resemble onions squashed to the glass of the over full pickle jar (and probably emit a similar odour). They career from shop to hotel to shop at near lightspeed with one hand permanently clamped on the horn to inform the people they have run over that a vehicle has indeed approached and left before the soundwave caught up.
Add to this the other phenomena that occurs and you can guarantee road chaos.
The other Phenomena is the love affair Indians have with fireworks.
They like nothing more than to make the loudest noise possible....allnight long.
This would be tolerable if it was done in the privacy of their ownhome, however, the Indians like everyone to see what they are blowing up so they,of course, do it in the middle of the unlit road at night.
It is not unusual to see an indian grinning as though he is highly dosed up on narcotics while a 'banger' the size of a shoebox detonates 2 ft away from him. The noise these things make has most european OAPs diving for shelter whilst the braver ones spark up a brisk trade in nylons.

We have managed to survive the \'blitz\' and are thankful we are in Thailand for new year where surely they dont have such a love affairwith fire crackers........oh bugger we didnt think that one through :)
We leave tomorrow so here are a few things to note.
December 28th - We are travelling by train to Mumbai so will be largely uncontactable, the mobile phone will be on.
December 29th - Mobile phone will cease to work as we fly to thailand where we will obtain a new Simcard. We hope to email the new number asap so please bear with us, stay calm and dont panic until you hear from us.The Hotel we are staying in in Bangkok is called the Viengtai.
Below (for those of you with nervous dispositions) are the contact details.(662) 280 5434 4542 Rambuttri Rd, Banglampu, Bangkok 10200, thailand.

Love to you all and Happy new year if we dont get to email before then.

Saara & Keith

Xmas is coming, our tailors getting fat (11)

2005-03-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

Hello you quiet lot,

We have had a relatively lazy time recently, although we do now haveour own tailor! His name is Sartash and hes from Kashmere.
We went (on a friends recomendation) to order a new top for Saara, we left having ordered 2 suits, 1 shirt, 2 blouses and a linen top and trousers.
The problem is hes damned good at making things.
We were going to get suits made inThailand but decided that as we knew he was a good tailor it made sense to buy what we needed here rather than spend a lot of time inBangkok running around looking for a new tailor.
I have ordered a lovely silk/cotton suit in a grey/green material, it rocks and i cant wait for the fitting, the shirt was made overnight and is heavenly to wear (silk/cotton mix too).
Saara is waiting for the rest but she tried her jacket today (fitting session) and is more than pleased so far.
Anyway thats the tailor done.
We went to a beach called Palolim yesterday (yes we finally managed to seal various orifices long enough to do the 2.5hr journey). The beach is stunning and is also where they shot the first part ofthe Bourne Supremacy (for those avid film buffs out there), incidentally, the bridge just by where we stay was also part of the location.....you can almost smell Matt damon as you walk down the road......shouldve got himself a better laundry service.
We spent all day in the sea and flaked out on sun loungers. I watched the locals bring the nets into shore and share out the fish, it was quite a sight as there were several very large sea eagles swooping down to pick off the fish.I'm not sure if ive mentioned it before but India has a lot of stray dogs. On the most part they keep out of the way and are very passive creatures........probably so hot they cant summon up the energy to bark, and they are so malnourished that if they tried to bite your ankles they would only lose more teeth and end up leaving your sock covered in drool.

On the beach these dogs wander freely around the beach hut restaurants, and much to my amazement are fed regularly by dim witted tourists.
I dont know what it is about holidays that make people suddenly think the rules of hygiene dont apply. Can you imagine sitting in a restaurant in london when a scruffy, scabby assed dog wanders in,then, much to your amazement, the bloke on the table next to you hurls a lump of steak towards it?.....would you go back? I seriously doubt it.
Idoubt we will send any emails over the next day or two as we will be getting into the xmas spirit ( we have filled a pool with it and intend to drink every last drop).
We have booked several places in Thailand and leave here on the 28th Dec.
If any of you get the chance please email Top Gear and suggest tuk-tuk racing as a new sport, it would be awesome and India would have a motorsport they could afford.

Anyway time to sign off Mery xmas to you all & a happy new year
(we will think of you all as our lives flash before our eyes when we first try to cross the road inBangkok).
Love Saara & Keith

Planes Trains & Autorickshaws (10)

2005-03-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

I can’t recall if we have told you about the daily excitement of India when it comes to their roads.
Whether you are being driven down them, crossing over them, walking alongside them or indeed sitting several metres away from them, you can be certain that they will be having an impact on you in one way or another.

India’s road system is very much like our own, they have traffic lights, road markings (sometimes), tarmac and they drive on the same side. Doesn't it sound very civil? In reality this is where any comparison to 'driving' ends.

As most of you will know, i am a computer gaming addict, and one of my favourite all time series of games is Grand theft Auto. The object of the game (in a nutshell) is to drive as fast as possible around the streets completing various missions. Little did I realise back home in 'jolly ole England’ that GTA is actually the blueprint for the India driving test.

Indian roads (like most in the world) have 2 lanes of traffic, one going forward and the other coming at you; these are generally 'single' carriageways.
In India this is a trifling detail as anyone can see that if you use the whole road you can easily fit 3, 4 or maybe even 5 vehicles abreast and heading in the same direction. This makes for very entertaining moments when you meet the oncoming traffic (also 5 abreast).
It is worth noting at this point that the Indians, despite having indicators fitted to their cars; communicate all but one traffic manoeuvre via use of the horn. I am yet to decipher what the cacophony of hooting, parping, tooting and blaring of horns means but i am becoming convinced that the level of communication distributed by the horn is so complex it makes the songs of whales seem as simple as a nursery rhyme. The 'other' manoeuvre that I mention (the one not covered by the horn) is the flashing of lights, this quite simply means - I know I am on your side of the road and driving very fast, but would you mind awfully pulling over a little further because I’m buggered if I’m slowing down for you.

Needless to say being driven in India is a joy we look forward to everyday and (touch wood) as yet we have not even been involved in a minor bump.

In Goa I have now seen 4 westerners with broken legs hobbling about on their Indian crutches, these injuries are no doubt sustained from the British desire to 'saddle up' one of the many mopeds available and drive headlong into the insanity of the Indian traffic the moment they touch down at the airport.

I imagine the scene is very similar to this 'Christ bob they don’t arf drive fast round here' 'don’t worry love I’ve driven thru London it'll be alright' 'is there enough room to overtake here?' 'yeah love look that nice blokes flashing me through' CRUNCH
We are off to arrange some train tickets to mumbai for when we leave India, followed by a gentle stroll along the beach (no doubt stopping in the many beach bars littered across the area).

See you all soon or as they say in India

Beep Beep, Honk, toot

Keith & Saara

Goa......its just north of Manchester (9)

2005-03-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm finally over my bug after a slight relapse.
All in all it could have been a lot worse.
We had a slight problem at our hotel, our shower was abysmal, and with all the dust here you feel dirty the moment you step foot outside.
The dust is red and gets everywhere, it is playing havoc with our laundry budget, which, I suspect, is quite possibly another ploy by the natives.
In Goa they have 2 principle industries, tourism (which comes second) & Mining/Quarrying. Now, on our various travels we have passed several quarries, and guess what they haul for miles from these vast pits to the gods only know where????.......yup you probably got it, red dust/rocks. I am not entirely sure why you would do this, yes the rocks can be used as brick if chiselled into squares but seeing as the accommodation of choice for the locals comprises a few sides of chipboard with a bamboo roof (essential for keeping the rain off your 42" screen and satellite set up....i kid you not) i really fail to see what happens to it all.
My end conclusion is that they either sneak around late at night emptying red dust onto the roads (or maybe during the day, secreting it out of their trousers like in the great escape or escape from Colditz) to keep the laundry business buoyant OR there really is life on mars and they have an insane fixation for red rocks and dust.

Anyway I digress, due to the shower problem we have changed rooms. We now have a family room with 2 bedrooms (ideal for those argumentative nights) which is far more pleasant.
This morning, whilst we were getting showered, there was a knock on the door. After a brief discussion I was sent to the door wrapped in a towel to find out who was disturbing us. Pulling the door open I was confronted by no less than 6 of the hotel employees who stood their smiling at my white body as I dripped water into a rapidly expanding pool at my feet. We had a limited discussion (limited by their pigeon English and my deep scowl and irritated demeanour) and as far as I can make out they want to do something with a wardrobe in our room (it is possibly the gateway to Narnia by the way they turn up in droves first thing in the morning). I really have no idea what’s going on but I will not be surprised if we return to find a family of Albanians with their dancing bear huddled in our spare bedroom.

We went to the market the other night, it is a vast place and sells pretty much everything you can think of. Saara purchased a silk embroidered shawl and somehow managed to avoid buying shoes. There was free live music and some rather poor performance artist hippy types throwing fire about and trying to look impressive. I was ill so couldn’t eat but Saara assured me the food was lovely.

Yesterday was our 6 month anniversary, it coincided with our rings being made so we thought we would make a day of it. We spent the afternoon on the beach with some friends (Jan & Barry, a couple from Skegness, they are lovely and good company) and then headed off to the Taj resort, an exclusive resort at the end of the beach in Candolim.
I managed to acquire a Romeo & Julietta cigar (No 2 Reg before you ask) and sat puffing away as the sunset drinking martinis with my lovely wife. We then headed for the Banyan Tree apparently one of the best restaurants here and also part of the complex.
The restaurant was lovely but the food was monumentally average, it is a Thai restaurant and they had used that much chilli that you practically choked on every mouthful. We asked for a bottle of wine, it was bought out, i tasted it nearly spat it back in the glass and refused to buy it.....the poor wine waiter was obviously used to fobbing tourists off with this ageing vinegar and stood there looking bemused until Saara told him that we just wanted watermelon juice and he wandered off to stand in the corner staring over at us for the rest of the evening.
Anyway, we arrived back at our hotel, sat down to have a drink when the owner came over. The Owner is a lovely guy called Royston, a Goan whose father owns several hotels and is also a developer. He has taken a real shine to Saara and calls her bubbles. He produced a bunch of flowers for Saara as a congratulations on the 1/2 year anniversary, which was a sweet gesture so we sat by the fountain and sipped a couple of cocktails and amaretto’s (Wendy, Amaretto here is 35 rupees a glass (45p)).

We are off to Mapusa market tomorrow and will head for Paololin on Thursday (they call it paradise beach so its probably full of touts selling bounty bars).

Goa is filled with Northerners & Scousers its very odd hearing such broad accents in amongst the broken English of the natives. Most tend to be from the I’m considerably richer than yow' school and, as we witnessed the other day, like to tip as many of the locals as possible (They even tipped the security guard on the gate not realising that the tips are pooled and distributed equally among the staff). It is typical of the mentality of the tourists here and no doubt the reason why the Indian phrase 'hello money' is so popular amongst children and why the touts ask ridiculous prices.....they know some thick Mancunian will just pay it without batting an eyelid and then they can go home for the week.

Anyway, got to go. speak to you all again soon

Keith & Saara

Food Poisoning & Mozzies (8)

2005-03-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

Well what an eventful few days it’s been.
Saara has been looking at yet more shoes and if she buys all the pairs she likes then I think we will need to hire a sherpa.
We abandoned our plans for Pampolim after I succumbed to food poisoning; thankfully it was only extremely painful stomach cramps and not explosive D&V.

I was absolutely distraught that id been poisoned, not because of the inconvenience but because that day I had finally succumbed to temptation and eaten a 1kg lobster dripping in masala sauce......my god he was worth every excruciating, agonising minute, and I was determined that the little bugger was going to be digested and not just regurgitated for the toilet god.

That does bring me nicely onto food though, a subject that we really have neglected so far. Almost every restaurant sells an eclectic mix of Indian, European & Chinese food. So it is possible to have dim sum followed by pie and chips with a side order of popadoms followed by ice cream, which appears to be a universal desert. I think ice cream should be the only food served at UN meetings as it is evidently a substance that crosses international borders with ease and every nation has its own unique way of serving it, In Goa they call it nutty one, and serve vanilla ice cream with nuts (bet you didn’t see that coming) and a local spirit brewed from cashew nuts in a shed in the jungle (I’m not joking we saw the distillery, I expected some American deep south bloke called bubba to hijack the car and request we start squealing like pigs).
During the first week we stuck fastidiously to the Indian food feeling that this was only proper. The delicate blend of spices here is far superior to the muck they serve us in the UK even if it doesn’t look as appetising. When we got to Goa however that all changed and we began to intersperse our diet with a bit of western food. We didn’t feel bad about this as, I’m sure you are all aware, too much curry burns twice and we had a lot of sitting down to do.
We have eaten everything from some bizarre spicy potato in a bun that poor people eat and is bloody gorgeous, to Lobster Masala that tastes heavenly and does its best to despatch you there.
It is our 6 month wedding anniversary tomorrow and we are booking into the Swedish/Italian restaurant for a fondue feast to help celebrate, our new rings arrive tomorrow also so it will be a good present to ourselves (and no the new rings have nothing to do with the curry).

We had been really lucky, up until the last few days, regarding mosquitoes. But 2 days ago I awoke with about 10-15 mozzie bites, they itched like hell and were, oddly enough, all around my ankles.....it was like waking to find Dracula had a foot fetish, they are quite painful but are slowly disappearing under a barrage of antiseptic, iodine and electrical mozzie neutralisers (yes I am electrocuting my feet).

Yesterday was spent on Arundle beach, home of white sand, clear seas and crusty hippies. The latter were very irritating as they insisted on doing all the stereotypical things crusty’s do (i.e. they all believe they are circus performers and stroll around waving ribbons or forming human pyramids in the sea whilst juggling 3 live crabs to the crazed beat of a drugged up drummer with all the rhythm of a fly hitting the car windscreen). Apart from the crusty’s it really is idyllic.
We are off to a market tonight, so no doubt Saara will acquire some more footwear (just in case we attend a movie premier, have to trek the Himalayas or tight rope walk across a ravine).

Oh well love to you all
K&S

Dead Men & Waterfalls (7)

2005-03-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Well what an eventful 48 hrs we've had.
Yesterday (as revealed in our last update) we hired a cab for the day (at the extortionate rate of 15gbp) and headed off to the Waterfalls they call 'mothers milk'.
I think Freud would have something to say to the man who first stumbled across this spectacular and vast cliff face, streaming with gallons upon gallons of water whisked into a frothy white as they tumble endlessly into the beautiful lagoon, and said 'looks like me mums tit lactating that does'. Still these things happen.
The journey there was uneventful; we killed no one and didn’t hit anybody. We arrived at the town where we had to take a 4x4 vehicle to the falls a further 10km away. Now the day before people had paid 150 rupees (Rs) for this return trip, and so, naively, we thought we would pay the same.
No
That day the elderly tout running the whole operation had decided we would be paying 300Rs. As you can Imagine Saara was non to pleased and ripped into the native with a tirade that, if he had fully understood it, would have had him claiming he was fully aware of his lineage and that he was definitely not begat by a female canine who had could not remember meeting the dog. His response was in fact along the lines of 'you can always take the 2 hr trip home'. At this point I bit my tongue (very wise as the words I was about to utter were 'I can see why Pakistan fires missiles at you'). Anyway after much grumbling we paid the extortionate fee and went to the falls.
They truly weren’t worth it; pretty as they were the 3hr journey (in total) to get there was not worth it. They are pretty but we have both seen better for free in Oz. whilst there you can feed wild monkeys with bananas, sold by locals at outrageous prices (surprise, surprise). We declined, thinking its better to be cautious than get bitten by a wild monkey (we've both seen 'outbreak'), I was hoping to see a tourist savaged but sadly they were docile creatures, and the monkeys didn’t deem them worthy of even a scratch.
I was struck, however, by the thought that this little group of monkeys are fed all day long and wondered how long it would be before the little monkeys are so fat that McDonalds opens a branch at the falls to offer them so low fat, low sugar salad to go with their bucket of banana thick shake.
Leaving the falls we headed for the tomb of St Francis. We were lucky (apparently) as every 10 years they take said dead priest out of his coffin and put him in a glass display case so you can marvel at his decaying remains.
We had a quick peek and Saara regaled me with the story of the devout catholic lady who, several decades ago, bit off the Saints mummified toe and carried it back to Rome in her mouth... Fidelma if you ever visit Goa I expect nothing less.
We left the cathedral and outside were the usual touts etc selling 'official' photos of the mummified man. Bizarrely they were doing a brisk trade from a (I have no idea what the collective noun is so i shall call them an 'abstinate') large abstinate of nuns. They were swarming all over this poor tout (truly even after all the horror stories I felt sorry for this guy), I can only say it was like watching teenage girls at a Robbie Williams concert, thankfully they didnt hurl their knickers at the dead priest (as far as i am aware) but it would have sure livened up the solemn procession.
Today we lazed on coco beach, took a boat and watched the dolphin’s frolicking in the sea. It’s been very relaxing. We did see Goa’s prison, an old building and part of the old fort Aguada (over300 years old) We thought it was deserted until the prisoners started waving at us, one held up a sign but I couldn’t read it (probably something akin to 'sod off tourists you are spoiling the view'). On the way back to shore we passed the palace of a Mumbai diamond merchant it was incredible and reminded us both of Porth Merrion. We have photos and will send them next time we are in Baga (probably 3 days time).
Tomorrow we head to a place called Pamolin (I think) a quiet beach on the southern tip of Goa, and on Friday we head to the most northerly point to another beach whose name escapes me (too many kingfishers for lunch).
Just before I sign off for the day I have seen 2 signs recently that i would like to share.
The first is a sobering one that requests help in protecting Goa’s children from Paedophiles, just the other day a newspaper reported the arrest of a German man for raping a 14 yr old Goanese girl in his hotel room. It’s a horrible thing that hangs over the place and when you become aware of it you start viewing single men holidaying here in a very different light.
The other is also quite sobering it simply read
"Do not let your Minor children drive your car"
Well I’m glad they see the sense in that!

Anyway its time to sign off for today, so take care of each other.
Keith & Saara

Pictures (6)

2005-03-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

Hi again,
A big thank you, first off, to Mad (and a smaller one to Chris :)) for sorting out the photos.
The links are as follows http://keithsaara.madtv.me.uk/
or http://madtv.me.uk/keithsaara/

If you double click the images you will get the full size picture with the relevant caption displayed.

We have mostly been lazing in the sun. Saara has made yet another purchase, She is now the proud owner of her own Indian Costume, I insist she is dangerously close to becoming a Back-Packee she insists her feet are far too clean. Again Saara beat the poor shop owner further into poverty by getting the outfit for nearly half the original asking price.

We have spent today mainly looking at jewellery and I may even purchase a ring myself (saw a thick gold band with a half carat diamond flanked by bands of ruby which im hoping to pay no more than220gbp). Saara is considering ordering her dream ring with 1.5 carat of diamonds studded over it for around 300gbp. we will keep you informed of the progress (and probably become responsible for the maltreatment of diamond miners worldwide).

Yesterday we saw our first accident in Goa, 3 men were knocked off one scooter, there was a bit of blood, but thankfully they didnt cry and scream so it only vaguely impacted upon the enjoyment of our first real coffee for 2 weeks.

Tomorrow we are heading off to swim in some waterfalls and visit old Goa, the resting place of St Francis of Xavier who died in 1500 (or at least whats left of him as pilgrims keep running off with bits of his body......is that stealing or cant the dead own anything? its a good point that i am happy to let you guys debate the theology of between yourselves.....for my own part i think its amusing and will try to steal my own piece).

Anyway gotta go as the power just went again and i dont know how longthe back up supply is here

Filling In Some Blanks (5)

2005-03-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone, Im Dr Nick.........sorry im missing TV

We have found an Internet Cafe with Broadband about 200 yds from ourhotel!!!!! And whats more it has A/C which is a blessing as its 32 degrees outside.

So we thought we would take the opportunity to fill in a few detailswe have missed during our previously hurried emails.

First off Delhi,
Delhi is without doubt hell on earth. It is a teeming city with some horrendous scenes of abject poverty, pollution hangs thick in the air limiting sight to less than half a mile when you are high up looking across the city. The huge levels of pollution obscure the night sky making the evenings pitch black which in turn makes them feel very intimidating.
The touts in Delhi are highly orgnised operating in large groups. They befriend you before moving you onto another group who will try to make you buy organised tours at outrageous prices (they wanted to charge 550 gbp for our rail tickets which we eventually bought direct from the station for 150 gbp). Purchasing rail tickets here is no easy task, you face a minefield of left over beaurocracy from the empire days it works like this. First off you have to find the Tourist ticket office - ALL TOUTS TELL YOU ITS CLOSED DOWN AND DIRECT YOU TO THE UNSCRUPULOUS NEW DELHI TOURIST BOARD ( A government approved scamhouse). We were once redirected away from it when we later learnt we had been about 100 yds from the door.

You must then fill in forms detailing the train number, name of train, number of tickets and prefered travel class along with the passport numbers of everyone named on the form. - In order to get the times/train names & Numbers you need to queue at the help desk, Indians however enter the office and jump the helpdesk queue (buying tickets for the touts so paying backhanders to the officials).
When you have eventually extracted the relevant details from thegrumpy help desk clerk you have to queue in the ticket line where the
will start all over again.It took us 2.5 hrs to buy tickets.

Agra
What a crazy place and certainly my favourite so far. You get the tout hastle but, because there are so many tourists, if you ignore them they move on quickly.
In Agra we saw some strange sights, my favourite being the camel they had dyed with pink spots ( will send photos to Mad)......for a while i thought i was having some kind of flashback, especially when the donkey with its pink mohiccan went past.
The city was safe enough to wander the back streets at night which allowed me to really see Indian culture, and whilst it is very poor i can say, at that moment, i loved every minute of it. The men gathered in small 'restaurants' (an open shop front, very dirty with tables and few chairs where the 'chef' cooked curry etc on an open fire with a large wok like device) and watched us walk by, without the glint in their eye that is there in the day which says 'Hello, Money'.

Varanasi was great to see but as i mentioned previously the touts ruined it. It was here that we began to realise just how dangerous India can be.
In Varanasi 12-15 tourists a year disappear without trace and it is easy to understand how. The streets are narrow with doorways opening straight out onto them and bodies are easily disposed of by wrapping them in funeral clothing and dropping them in the Ganga. We both felt relieved to be leaving there but were glad we had seen the sights.
Saara left her red clarkes shoes in the hotel, we discovered later,which gave her an excuse to go shoe shopping in Candolim, Goa. The poor shop owner soon learnt he had met his match, she tried on 2 pairs totalling 1350 rupees. We walked out 2 mins later having paid 500. Satna was the lowest point of the trip and I think we both believed we wouldnt get out of the place with all our possessions and possibly our lives. It was the most intimidating thing i have experienced in my life. It was that bad that i ended up carrying my mosquito spray open in my pocket as some form of defence expecting to be set upon at any moment. We bought tickets in the station and headed straight out later that same night.

Candolim
This is where we are staying permanently until the 27th December.
It is good to have a base from which to explore and at 10gbp a night we can afford to rent it even if we stay somewhere else e.g. Bangalore.
I have managed to pick up a horrible cold and saara has a mild form of dehli belly but apart from that we are 100% fighting fit.
Beer is hard to come by in North India ( as is meat) but in Goa you find both in abundance.
Beer costs from 30 rupees (45p) a bottle and the food around 80 - 120
A meal out with drinks is costing around 5gbp.
The Goans are lovely people and eager to help.....we actually got directions to the beach off a man in the street without having to argue over the fact that he wasnt going to get paid.
Anyway things will be a little slow for a few days while i nurse myself out of this cold.
Anyway i will post some pics to Mad and hope he puts them online.

Speak to you all again soon

K&S

Discovering religion and finding Nirvana (4)

2005-03-01T18:14:00.000-08:00

Hi All,
We are still alive, and no we havent converted to hinduism.
Sorry we have been out of contact for a few days but its been very very hectic,
I will explain more below.
Thank you for all the emails its great to read them when we hit intertnet cafes. Sorry we cant reply to you all individually but here in India they are on dial up accounts still and suffer from power cuts - at times you could say they suffer from power ups.
We are hoping to get to a broadband cafe in the next few days so hopefully we can get round tos ome more personal emails rather than just the generics (maybe even send some pics).
Well on with the update.The Day we sent the last email - We went for a day trip out to an ancient ghost town (Fatehpur Sikri) It was stunningly beautiful and a welcome respite from the touts/beggars/children who follow you all day long. On the way we saw 'dancing bears' on the side of the road with their owners and had a heated debate with a fellow traveller (rob) with whom we were sharing the car over the cruelty etc. He put up a good arguement and it helped pass the time on the way to the city. Afterwards we went to Agra Fort which was kinda cool. (Mad you couldso easily see those Indian hitmen falling from the battlements :) ).We also drove through an Indian wedding in a very very poor shantytown where the car was engulfed by bright gaudily dressed indians smiling and cheering it was a lovely experience.
That night we took the over night train to Varanasi the spiritual home of Hinduism.
We had to travel sleeper class ( kind of upmarketpeasant) due to a lack of decent air conditioned seats left. It was an interesting time though i did not sleep as i was to busy guarding our bags ( to put the money situation here into perspective a well paid government worker earns 12,000 rupees a month, sounds a lot but in reality it equates to 150gbp), as our camera alone is worth 2 months good salary you become very concious of the eyes scanning you and mentally totalling up your worth. If they werent so weak from lack of food we would probably have been robbed, stripped and thrown from the train (joking, the average Indian is very nice and helpful - sadly you only ever meet them on trains).
We arrived in Varanasi, Rob was still with us (though he had an AC ticket the bar steward) and had also found 2 other travellers who tagged along with us. The 2 new guys (Caz (male from brislington!) & Polenta (female yank not cake)) were on a real shoestring budget staying in hostels for 50 rupees a night needless to say Caz had been violently ill on the train due to eating cheap food from roadside vendors (neither has travel insurance the fools).
Outside Varanasi station we went through the obligatory scrum of taxi and tuk-tuk drivers before coming up with the ball (or in this case a taxi) and headed for the hotel we had picked from our book.Varanasi has a main road and then very narrow streets/lanes (kind of like Morrocco Sooks) so we got out the cab to walk the last few yards and thats when our problems began. We were followed by a young boy of around 10 who offered to lead us to our hotel (the streets are a maze) we told him we wouldnt pay him and he said fine.
The Hotel wasnt suitable and we asked him to take us to another one we liked the look of but he took us some where else where we were surrounded by 5-6 touts all demanding that we stay the night. Needless to say we walked off but they followed us and surprise surprise the next hotel was 'full' as i walked from reception i saw that one of the touts had got there before us. This all began to look a bit sinister and after a few choice words from my lovely wife and a longwalk to leave the touts behind we finally got a room in a reasonable hotel on the banks of the river Ganga (great name).
We strolled along the Ghats (like docks but different) where we were continually hastled (children in North India come up to you, smiling, hold out their hands and say 'Hello, Money', Isnt tourism a great thing) by touts for hotels, boats, clothing etc. This totally ruined the ambience of the holiest place in India.
We came across the place where they burn their dead ( a strange sight, lots of mourners around a burning body when one of the employees, who make sure the body burns to ashes, walks up and with a large bit of wood smacks the glowing head hard so it goes deeper into the fire......If it was my relative i think it would upset me). There was a man there who explained it all to us (they burn most people so that the spirit rises to Nirvana, and the ashes are scattered in the gangees as the river is believed to be somthing to do with their gods ( i forget what as at that point i was watching the Head cricket. Holy Men, children, animals etc, they just weigh down with rocks and dump in the river as they are believed to be innocent and therefore will enter Nirvana immediately).
Late afternoonwas spent on the steps of our hotel watching the men bathe in the ganga - It was here i discovered religion, they bathe and then drink the water, now bearing in mind they dump bodies in it upstream, they pee and shit in it, then surviving drinking it is nothing short of miraculous so their must be a god, or 300 million gods if you areIndian).
We also watched them fighting with kites over the river, we could have watched it all night, they have small regular shaped kites no larger than a foot square, the strings of which they coat with powdered glass from broken lightbulbs. they then fly as close to another kite as possible and begin to try and spin around it, so you have 2 kites in an aerial dog fight each trying to wrap themselves around the string of the other in order to cut it. The losers kite ends up in the river. It is very entertaining.

Varanasi is full of Backpackers who have gone 'native' mainly the 18yr+ women who think its cool to wander through shit in open toed sandals wearing a saari.
I was trying to think of a word to describe them but the best i can come up with is very politically incorrect and sounds racist (its not meant to be). We now affectionately refer to them as BackPackys.
The huge ammount of touts and a very strong feeling of insecurity meant we cut the trip short and jumped on a train the next day for Satna.
Satna is a railway junction where we were intending to get a cab toKahujaro to visit some 'erotic temples' After 7 hours on the train we arrived in the dark, needing to travel 150kms by taxi, but when we got out of the station it became apparent we were going to be ripped off by an unregulated taxi service.
We tried 2 taxis in the end but felt exceptionally unsafe as they kept stopping and getting out to talk to other people which was very worrying. We ditched the cabs and headed into Satna itself.....it was a hole, we couldnt get a decent hotel (just ran down shacks) and to top it all off Saara slipped over in the street and fell in god knows what (didnt smell too bad though).
We were now feeling more insecure than ever, we were being followed up and down streets by a crowd of taxi touts, beggars and just general residents and after a quick debate we decided to get back to the station and take an overnight train all the way to Bombay (mumbai). After a slight problematic encounter with the ticket inspector we were both at our wits end and ready to jack the India trip in and head forThailand and the relative secutiy of a country that does not try to rob its tourists blind everytime they open their mouths.
Luckily We met a lovely Man called Chandrakant, He is 54 and lives inBombay ( A Marketing Manager for a rubber firm that make conveyor belts). He convinced us to head for Goa to relax and then explore South India which, he claims, has a better infrastructure, less touts and more english speaking people (we have also agreed to meet up when we return to bombay, for a meal with his wife (marketing manager for siemens) and a bit of shopping where she will barter for us (tops!).We stayed overnight in a lovely hotel called the Grand for 30 gbp and in the morning an armed guard walked us back to the next train to Goa.

We travelled first class which was lovely and arrived late last night.Having decided to base ourselves in Goa and do 1-3 night trips out of our base we have booked into the Casa Sea Shell hotel for the extortionate rate of 10gbp a night. The food is lovely, beautiful gardens and a pool.

In summary we are safe and well, sick of North India but enjoying ourfirst day in Goa.We will email you again soon

Indians. Monkeys & Other animals (3)

2005-03-01T18:08:00.000-08:00

Hi All,
We are still alive (which in India is a blessing).
We arrived safely, unlike our car which arrived 2 hrs later.
Thankfully we met a nice Indian Guy called Paveen from one of the big hotels who got on his mobile and kicked ass for us. The place is truly crazy and Incredible.
We have seen the Taj Mahal,monkeys, camels and lots of cows.
The Indians have a unique approach to hygiene, urinating in public is quite acceptable and cleaning your teeth appears to mean spitting in the street. That said the variety of colours and smells is incredible. From the dirty street(which often smells worse than shit) To the incredibly complex coloured saris and the sweet smell of incense, you experience it all within 20 paces and it is often truly mind blowing.
Pictures cannot do justice to the taj, but we have taken some and hope to send them soon.
We are very safe, the people are lovely (except in Delhi where it took us 5 hrs to arrange train tickets due to touts and scammers. We were too shrewd to be ripped off but did spend a day being ferried from one bent tourist office to the next before finally finding the real thing.
Now we know how it all works we are finding it a lot easier.
I think i need to brush up on my cricket as its the main topic of conversation and everyone we meet seems to think we are from london.
We passed a big wheel on the train yesterday to which saara exclaimed- Its like the london eye, yes. Same (see Wendy & John for explanation).
On a more poigniant note, life is very cheap here. Whilst travelling on the train we actually ran someone over and killed them (we didnt see the body thankfully). This meant a slight delay but more remarkably all that happened was the guards got off stood around and smoked for 5 mins then got on and off we went.
It kinda brings home how worthless the lower classes are percieved here.
Anyway We need to sign off as we have a lot to do today before catching the night train to Varanasi (Indias most Holy city of Life and Death (we are hoping to experience the former)).
We are both on the Delhi diet, This consists of toast in the morning and water....with the occasional evening curry if you havent been grossed out by the half a hoof cow or gammy leged dog.
Anyway gotta go.
Missing you all and hope to speak to you soon.
Love and Hugs to our families
dismissive waves to our friends :)

Nearly Off (2)

2005-03-01T18:03:00.000-08:00

Well its Sunday night, the house is sold, we are both shattered andare living with John & Wendy until tomorrow.
J&W have been stars, they've really looked after us. Johns band(mercury rain) have just returned from touring in europe and have been offered a tour in Brazil playing to 22,000 brazillians (thats a lot ofwax) in March. So thats kinda cool.
I could be staying in the samehouse as the next Lemmy/Ozzy.....or possibly even Elton John :)Tomorrow we drive to london, drop off the car and spend the night with Carl & Fidelma which we are both looking forward to.
The flight leaves at 11am on tuesday and deposits us in dia (see what i did there?) at around 1 am. I cant think of a worse time to land.
I telephoned India the other day, not all of it, just the hotel Diplomat which is our first port o' call. The bloke on reception spoke perfect english, which i failed to understand via his outragously thick accent, and after a simple 30-40 minutes of talking slowly and loudly i think i arranged a room and a car to pick us up from the airport, however i will not be greatly surprised to discover i have a broom and some tar to spread at the airport.
I discovered today that we failed to pack the usb cable for the camera, its a fuji and the normal pc/cam usb connectors dont fit (barstewards) so the pics may not arrive until we land in australia.However if we can beg, steal,buy or acquire one via any other method short of me having to visit a man called Bubba in prison then Mad will be recieving our pics as we travel about and hopefully putting themsomewhere online.
Well see you all soon/sometime/occasionally/never again (delete as applicable)We will email you all next week sometime (probably begging for donations to have us airlifted to the nearest poolside bar & civilization)

Leaving The Country (1)

2005-03-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to get Mad to write his own content i have decided to Blog my travel emails....also it means i dont have to write content yet ;)

Hi All,Its finally here, we have tickets, some fool has agreed to buy our house at way over its market value and its time to get ready to leavethe country.
We depart the UK on November 30th with the first stop confirmed asDehli.
I am in the proccess of arranging for a large group of indianmen to be on hand to carry our luggage (and possibly ourselves if the feet start aching) I fully expect to be followed around the country by a team of punkawallahs desperate to fan the wife and I whenever we stop and if this does not occur i will be most irrate.
Anyway my mobile phone gets turned off tomorrow so if you need to gethold of me use this email address or the home phone which should be operational until around the 25th November.Anyway must dash I have to go and get the safari suit fitted, polish the rifle and find the time to grow a handlebar moustache.
The next correspondence should be typed by one of the Indian Minions as i dictate it from the Sun lounger by the side of the pool recovering from a particularly strenuous yawn.
Speak to you all soon i hope

Dawn

2005-03-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

Aaaahhhhh, after much public pressure (well a request from Gone) Here is the start of my new and only Blog.
I'm not sure what to write yet but no doubt that will come to me over time.
So welcome world to the inner workings of my broken mind